Loving Him So Much, But It hurts

Wow I’ve got goosebumps. @Erin, my brother was married to a woman who did this same thing. He put up with it for almost 7 years before he finally got out. He got into counseling, then filed for divorce and got custody of their son. Turns out she was bi-polar and has to be on meds or she can’t function.

This man has serious issues, possibly mental illness like my former SIL.

As to why you keep putting up with it – for whatever reason you don’t believe you deserve any better and or that you have to fix him or if you’re just good enough he will stop it. You’re now like the frog in the water that heated up slowly. The frog didn’t notice it was getting hotter until he almost got boiled to death and jumped out. (In some versions of that story that frog does get boiled to death.)

I”m glad you’re posting here for help, but you’ve got to get in touch with a local organization that helps abused woman because you now have abused woman syndrome. You’re now conditioned to tolerate this and blame yourself and keep trying. You need PROFESSIONAL help to get out of this whole and rebuild yourself and your life without him. PLEASE Google for that right now and start making those calls. This is not going to change unless you decide you want to live a good life and stand up for yourself. This man could turn more violent any time. Don’t become a statistic, I’m begging you.

I agree with Angiebaby that he is most likely bipolar, his behavior does not sound healthy for him or you. Whatever the case is maybe even depression, but it does sound like a mental disability. At this point you know being around him is not healthy for your well being so you need to worry about yourself. Why you stay is probably from a codependency that you feel you can fix him if you continue to do things that won’t trigger his anger bursts, which you yourself do not know what they are. You already moved out which was a smart move, you need to distance yourself even further. I would speak to him and say that you do not like the angry outbursts and what he does is hurtful, so either he go speak to a therapist (psychiatrist) or you will remove yourself completely from his life. I suggest you also speak to someone to go deeper into your own feelings as to why you continue to take this behavior and how you can prevent from this happening again.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. Most of them I’ve tried already. We both went to a counsellor and he walked out when he was put on the spot. I continued to see the counsellor who advised me that I needed to walk away that his behaviour was not healthy. I became totally depressed. I started to see a psychiatrist and CBT therapist who was trying to get to the core of why I feel that I deserve to be treated that way. We were getting so close to figuring things out before he quit without notice and abandoned his patients. I didn’t have the energy to tell my story all over again. I took it upon myself to figure it out. Obviously, I wasn’t successful and continue to feel hurt and my self esteem is at a huge low. This man will tell me I’m beautiful, comments on my looks, opens the door for me, pulls out my chair when we go out for dinner and makes me feel like wonderful, but I also recognize he lies, omits, I have suspected he was stealing from me as my things would go missing. It’s all so confusing. The good does not weigh out the bad. My neurological system has been compromised by the fear of his next outburst. He loves me one minute and two hours later he is cold as ice. I would describe him as a child. I should note I have three children. They have also experienced his outbursts when we lived together. That was the main reason I needed to leave. My oldest daughter would stay in her room. Her things went missing as well as my other children’s belonging. He would have a camera hidden in the garage where I parked my car. I didn’t notice until a year after I moved in. He knew when I left the house, whether I came home for lunch and what time I arrived home after work. It was very uncomfortable. So for those reading this, you must think I’m crazy to want to be still involved with this man. I wish I could find the answer. Stockholm syndrome as one of you mentioned is a possibility. I am happy I found this site. Since my post a few days ago, I’m finding a little strength to help me convince myself, this won’t get better. Your opinions and advice is getting me through slowly. I have already loss my friends and have been alienated. I do deserve someone who respects me and my children, and there is someone out there who I can be comfortable with all the time. I know that, it’s getting there that is the hardest. I’ve revolved my life around him, but continue to be his boxing bag, I know it needs to stop and I need to separate from him quickly. It’s just so hard.

When you mentioned the camera, and that things go missing and you bought him dinner… I thought of that TV series ‘Dirty John’.

Erin, the first thing you deserve for you is you to love yourself. Forget any men at the moment. You wont find any decent men when you are not even able to break away from this. And i really dont mean that harsh but realisticly we put up with what we feel we deserve. Im glad you are no longer living with this man. At least your kids are not exposed to this on a daily basis.
What would you need to see you have to break up with this man? Because i actually worry for you. Battered wife syndrom, Stockholm syndrome. They are real. The abuser breaks a woman down to build her back up and down until her self esteem is down the toilet. And the longer it lasts, the longer it takes to get your old self back. There must be a version of you in the past that you liked. See what it takes to trigger her. Try to figure out if you really can let go of this man and what support you need to do it. Im sure old friends are willing to come back for that cause. They probably hated to see you lose yourself and become a shell. But they had to let you go. You cant help anyone unless they want to change.
What makes me sad is that you really love this man. What makes me sad too is that you are not a good rolemodel for your daughter. What exactly is so hard about being single, loving yourself and your kids without all men drama. What does he actually give you except a few compliments here and there that you take as a puppy so happy. You really need that? Its meant to keep you in your corner.
I hope you can break free. The only one holding you back is you. There is no one else doing it for you. Your choice