Making his sorrow all about me

DUMP HIM.

No matter how bad timing this might be, you’re not overreacting. This is a shock! I would see red too.

He was indeed seeking comfort from someone closer to him (distance wise) during this difficult time. However, actively being the one asking her out for ice cream until she says yes and sending selfies of the likes doesn’t speak much for his grief. 🙄 And having her over at his house without you knowing is worse. I definitely sense emotional cheating if not physical. And he’s being manipulative of this situation and gaslighting you.

Other’s may agree that this is okay because it’s his way to grieve and you should allow him that and they will probably see way more beyond than I can but I strongly do not see this as okay. Right now he thinks everything he’s doing and saying gets a pass and should be understood because of the loss of his mom, does that fly with you?

For the sake of the 5 years you’ve had and respect of his late mother, try to keep composure until the funeral is over. Then end this relationship because what is the point of it if he doesn’t see you as a person to reach for, for comfort in difficult times?

And, you owe him NOTHING.

Stop confronting and talking to him. Why would you want to be with someone who after 5 YEARS together distances himself from you, brings another woman in your home without your knowledge (assuming when you are not working long distance you live together), continuously asks another woman out, and who isn’t sure he wants you anymore?!

After 5 years he should know whether he wants you or not.

It sounds like he has “checked out” of this relationship, and when that happens its very difficult to change another’s mind once its made up.

It sounds like the two of you may have drifted apart due to the distance. It doesn’t sound like he does well in LDR’s, most people don’t, and need to be near their partner in order to maintain the love, bond and connection. In a nutshell, the physical distance appears to have created a fissure in the relationship, if you weren’t having issues before. Although what he did nor how he’s doing it is the right way, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional or pre-meditated; she (the co-worker) was “there” during a very difficult time while you were far away, and they naturally formed a bond. People naturally enjoy hanging out with other people they like, and avoid those who don’t—its called “human nature.”

He’s pretty much telling “you to fix it” because you are the one who created the distance and why he feels like he’s done nothing wrong. Whether he has or not, your anger at the co-worker or their friendship is misdirected IMO. Either the LDR is not working for him OR he is not happy with the state of your relationship—that is real the issue, yet you keep honing in on her, and everything he’s “doing wrong” instead of trying to get to the root of your BF’s unhappiness, with you or the relationship. Men who are happy in their relationship want to tell and share everything with you, when they stop its because they are loosing or have lost that “loving feeling.”

Ever hear of the adage “you get more flies with honey than with vinegar?” When facing relationship difficulties you need to be CALM and have a face-to-face discussion without blaming or shaming the other as it just makes them go on the defensive and fight back, or shut down and detach further—no one wins those wars. The CALM discussion you need to have with him is to determine what his true state of mind, between YOU and HIM is, not the co-worker, his mom, or anyone/thing else. You need to know if he’s still IN (he will be very clear/unambiguous) if he is; or OUT (not clear/ambiguous) if he’s not, which appears to be where he’s heading based on what you’ve written. If he’s still IN then you need to calmly discuss what he and you BOTH need from each other to be happy, not only in the relationship but outside the relationship too because one person, such as a partner, cannot be solely responsible for that, and must allow for other people and things (work/hobbies, etc.) to provide them happiness too or it creates unhappiness.

If neither of you are able to effectively communicate, meet each others needs, or trust each other then the relationship is doomed.

Yep, I think Gaia nailed it too. I like what else has been advised here – pay your respects to his mum, return to your job location so you can be the calm person you normally are. Anyone would react in the manner you did if they found what you did.

His behaviour is neither honourable nor kind (to put it mildly). Doesn’t matter if his mum is dying, it’s still not okay to actively pursue another woman when you’re already in a committed relationship. It’s ultimately irrelevant that it’s an LDR.

What’s almost worse, is that he’s making it your fault and gaslighting you.

Molly, you’ve listed a lot of concerns. You know the truth don’t you? There are too many things wrong for any of this to be okay. This has got nothing to do with his mothers death and you’re not creating drama. Zero women would find his behaviour acceptable if they were in your shoes. Trust in yourself and your gut instinct, not in what he is telling you.

Thank your lucky stars that you’ve had to work away, you got to see his true colours before you invested any further. LDR’s are hard but his behaviour is unacceptable and revealing of his true character. Do you really want to be with someone who treats people so abysmally???

If it were me I’d end the relationship in my head and in my heart first, and then mourn the loss of the relationship privately.

I’m sorry you had to experience this. It’s awful. You deserve better and you will find it.

Let peace be yours again in time Molly. It may feel like you’ve lost 5 years of your life at times, but the truth is, you’ve gained the whole of the rest of your life ahead.

Time to start afresh.

Sending you love ❤️💛