Man Confuses Me

Thanks T! I really appreciate the guidance and it’s where I was leaning. I was confronted with him out with another woman yesterday doing the same stuff he made me think was special and exclusive with me. I asked if it was someone new or if he had been seeing her the entire time he was with me. As we had been sleeping together and I honestly thought we were serious I felt I had a right to ask as I made clear from the moment we started sleeping together that I don’t do FWB relationships. I was told to “holy crap relax it was just a friend” and then saw a post from his brother on social media asking about his “hot coffee date” which was definitely not me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together to get 4.

I realize that I’m still hurt from him not wanting me and him being the man I thought I wanted. Jealousy is something I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m mad at myself for being way more invested that I wanted to believe. Between those things and feeling jealous I realize that I need to cut him off completely to do what’s best for me. I can’t do the just friends bit with the way my ego and feelings are bruised right now.

Thanks for listening. It helps to write it out to process and I really do appreciate the advice/information given here.

Lane-
I did. It sucks getting played. And I’m ashamed I fell for the good guy routine and actually believed him when he told me he didn’t do the FWB thing either. That’s why I slept with him. But I realize he was probably playing me the entire time since we only had sex like 3 times in the entire relationship (I have 3 teenagers at home and my room is in the loft area of my house so no doors and he has 3 kids at home, one very young so I just thought it was a scheduling thing). As f’ed up as it is, I thought that was a good thing because it meant I was more than sex.

Doesn’t matter at this point even if I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. I’ve already dropped him. I’m too old to play these childish games with a man. It’s not worth my time.

You want serious and he does not know what he wants. Time waster for you or any woman. Wave bye bye.

Believe it or not but its common for some men to do this when they stop something with a lady. They don’t want to keep you but they don’t want to lose you fully either, on the off-chance you might change your mind, and go with his NSA/FWB (no commitment) plan.

Its not your job to figure him out. Its your job to protect your heart from men who don’t want you to possess theirs. This is why you need to be very skeptical of a man’s intentions as its most likely a case of lust/infatuation that doesn’t evolve or develop into love, which is much calmer (you know he loves you), and goes much deeper (progressive integration), than surface level stuff. My son (age 28) said it well when he told me he’s never been in love. Its not that he doesn’t want to, he actually does, its just that the initial infatuation never develops into love, after spending time with her, he just can’t envision or build a future with her in his head, and that’s when it ends, with him. This very well could have been him where he was infatuated but after some time wasn’t able to envision you as his wife (that’s a true commitment), so he didn’t take it further.

Irregardless of why he ended it with you, its your job to set the standards, boundaries, and course for not only your personal life but dating life too. Always be highly skeptical of a man’s intentions until he makes it CLEAR he see’s you as his life partner; until then he’s just one of the many actors auditioning for a role that he may not qualify, or be qualified for as the leading man in your life. Dating takes a lot of willpower to not over-invest before the man makes an actual investment, and continues to invest without stopping even after your married. If a man can’t at least see or envision himself marrying you (true commitment) within a few months, its best to walk away.

I had four men propose to me within six months of dating between the ages of 18 – 23. That’s the type of commitment you should look for, and a man you should stay in a relationship with, if that’s they type of relationship you’re looking for. I wasn’t looking for that type of commitment back then, as I was young, didn’t want to be *tied down* as I still had a lot I wanted to explore, so I turned them down, or didn’t go through with it after realizing I really wasn’t ready for, nor wanting it. If you don’t know where a man stands, that’s a tell-tale sign he doesn’t either, and not the one you want to hitch your wagon to, unless your prepared to go on a wild ride.

Thank you for the responses and help through this. I am hurt but I will get through it. I have an awesome, amazing life that is full with things I love and good friends so it’s not devastating to me. It just caught me off guard because I really, really did think this was a normal, progressing relationship. His actions all indicated that it was and in the beginning he was really good about making me feel secure with the progression because his words and actions matched up. That’s the weirdest part about this and why I feel a bit duped.

As sad as I am about it, I’m the one who brought it to an end by asking where we stood or were going. Not meeting his friends or family in the 5 month time frame was an eye opener and made me start questioning if he was the right fit for me. In fact, I told him exactly that a few weeks ago. I do think interactions with family/friends say a lot about the person you are so having not seen him in those scenarios I wasn’t sure he would be a good fit for me. I knew how he interacted in public and with the community (he’s a firefighter) but not on a more personal level. Hindsight makes me wonder if it was because this is a regular theme for him but that could just be coming from a place of hurt.

I actually called it a “situationship” to my sister this morning and said I was not going to allow myself to be fooled into one again. She’s actually a little upset with the guy because she defended him to me and told me to look his way in the first place.

Thank you for not saying I was rude by walking away. It was so strange the way it happened. I just couldn’t deal with it. Might not have been so bad if it was like from the other side of the coffee island but he literally was within kissing distance when he walked up to me and started talking. I’ll be polite and walk away. I do wish him nothing but the best. As much as I really want to call him names I do think he is a decent human and deserves whatever he is looking for when/if he figures it out.

No contact is hard but each day it gets a little easier. It’s very weird to go from texting every day to not at all. It’s like I lost a friend and lover in one so it feels like mourning but stranger because he’s still alive. Like today, I got a raise at work and he was the first one I wanted to tell about it but I’m not going to de-value myself like that.

Not sure I’m making any sense but this has been a great thread helping me work through the breakup of this situationship. Thank you all for the words of wisdom! Also, it has prevented me from engaging in my petty side which wanted to mail him glitter bombs lol

Newbie- Glitter bombs are balls of glitter that you can send anonymously in the mail as a gag gift. Since glitter gets everywhere some would see it as a punishment. It was just a brief thought, however, I know the guys sense of humor and he’d probably laugh about it and like the attention even if it is negative attention. So sending glitter bombs or bags of gummy d*cks are out (yes, you can send those anonymously too).

As for the rest, yeah I feel like things would have been different if I had known he wanted only casual dating. I can’t change it though and all I can do is appreciate the good that came out it.

I’m keeping all this in mind for future interactions with men. And I do feel some righteousness indignation toward him. The feelings are still messy, one moment sad, one where I’m missing something, one where I’m angry, one where I hope he comes back in a week saying he was stupid and I was the most amazing thing to happen to him. Im pretty sure it’s normal to feel all these. I wish it was that easy to say he just wasn’t into me, but those were definitely not the vibes I was getting. And that ticks me off for making me question my own intuition. So, I’m focusing on the things that make me happy, doing stuff I enjoy and spending time with my close friends. I have 2 close women friends and both are moving to other states so it’s like a triple whammy in the past week. I’m really trying not to dwell and just enjoy my people while they are still here.

There is one thing in your interactions i picked up on earlier but forgot to mention. In your timeline you dated 5 months so roughly Jan-may. Around easter he told his kids about you. Two weeks later you asked where he stood. Then you heard about the cookouts you asked again and after that you ran into him and asked again. Af that moment he said he wasnt sure. In your original post you dont mention the other dates he had but in the follow up you added he saw someone doing what you and he were doing (probably cooking) and you asked if you knew her for a long time already. And when was the hot coffee date?
I cant put my finger on it, but asking over and over what his intentions are doesnt exactly comes acros as secure. Why was that? Insecurity or you felt he wasnt all in? And are you officially over now? That part is also unclear to me.
Im not trying to confuse you here but i read other responses and was strongly guided by them thinking he was leading you on. But it could also been your own insecurity that set this in motion in case there was nothing going on with the other women. He told his kids about you. For most man that would mean he is serious. At this session you could have made it clear to both of you if that meant you were a couple now. But i guess that talk didnt happen. Because you had to ask and ask and ask. Im curious because you can maybe learn from it next time in making things clear by asking more thorough. So you dont have to keep looking for reassurance the weeks after.
Maybe i misunderstood the timeline but i do think you need to work on communication (to get answers) and security and not satisfied with half answers. Im saying all this with the best intentions

Also not sure if this matters or not but he said about 2-3 months in that he loved that I wasn’t like other women because I wasn’t needy or clingy. Around the same time he would tell me things like he couldn’t get me out of his head and that at random times he would think about me and that being around me made his face hurt because he was always smiling. It’s why I’m thrown off by the whole situation.

I know you are hurting, and feel blindsided but trust me, there was nothing you could have done or said to scare a man off if he’s fallen in love with you! He likes the *idea* of love but it doesn’t sound like he’s in the right headspace (frame of mind) to go there yet. He will, in time, and this probably isn’t the right time for him.

My BF did the same thing yours did. Romantically swept me off my feet but the difference is, I only wanted ‘casual’ as I was too busy running my business to get enmeshed in a relationship, so our temporary fling worked great for me. It ended, we went on our merry way, and never expected to see him again. Nine months later he popped back in, as the ship he worked on needed some more re-work (how we met). I was very hesitant to re-engage again as he consumed too much of my time, the last time, and my business suffered for it. However, I agreed to see him again after some prodding from my employees, who knew him, and it was like the 9 month gap never happened—we just slipped right back into what we had the last time. I again KNEW it was “temporary” going in, we would have some fun time, and we would go on our merry way again.

It didn’t happen. He started saying the OPPOSITE of what he did the last time, I however didn’t buy into it, and kept my emotions in check because again, I knew the flowery words were fake, like the last time, so just ignored them. He sailed away again a few months later but this time he kept contacting me, sent me a “love song” where I point blank asked him what the hell he wanted, and his response was “I want you!” I then reminded him of the things he said the first time but he told me “I was in a different headspace back then, I had a lot of financial issues going on (which I knew about), and not in a position to start a relationship. My life is now sorted out, and I want you to be in it.” He immediately planned for me to meet his family after that, and then threw out the “my girlfriend” to see how I reacted to it lol—that was over 3.5 years ago. When I sell my business (darn Covid!) we will be taking the next major step in our relationship (commitment), as we chose the location, and house together, and now its just a matter of me moving into it full-time.

What I’m trying to say is that a man needs to be in a certain *mindset* in order to move forward. If his life isn’t in a place where he can give 100% to a relationship, then he can’t get there. This is why you need to find out what his life really looks like: Is he having any financial hardships? Personal issues (work, kids, ex, family)? Juggling too many balls in the air (plate is full)? Time is limited? These are big indicators that he won’t be in a position to progress/move forward. He may want to but they are holding him back too, if that makes sense. Something to keep an eye out for, and also not give a man who is not your BF so much of your time. When single (mot a man’s GF), continue to meet, and date others that way if one egg breaks (like this one) you have others in the basket that you are still getting to know, spending time with, and might actually find a better egg :o)

It’s normal to miss him, it takes time to get over a disappointment like this. You’ve gotten some really good advice here and I’m sure you’ll get over it and be OK. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders. I’m sorry he was such an a$$ and led you on for months but you will learn from this and move on. I think you did the right thing by not engaging with him in a friendly way when getting coffee. It will just mess with your head to be friends with him (especially if he’s dating other women). You need time and space to heal.

One thing that struck me in this thread is that you only had sex 3 times during the 5 months you were dating. I understand the situation is complicated with both of you being parents, but still. Aren’t his kids with their mom at times? You couldn’t do it at his house when his kids weren’t there? It’s just my personal opinion but I think if a guy is really feeling “it” with you, he will do what it takes to have intimate time alone with his woman. And if he feels an emotional attachment to you, the sex will bond him to you further. So I’m wondering if this guy wasn’t really feeling “it” with you but enjoyed your company so didn’t want to stop seeing you, although he was clearly not ready to commit to you either.

Of course there are guys who just want sex, and you want to avoid those guys, but I would raise my eyebrows at dating a healthy man who did not want regular sex. I’ve been in that situation, and something was always wrong in the background. A guy who is into you, who feels “it” with you, wants to sleep with you. If it means arranging custody schedules and squeezing it in when the kids aren’t around, so be it. When I first started dating my bf (we’re both in our 40s, divorced, with one kid each), and we started sleeping together, we couldn’t get enough of each other- we were doing it 3x a week. This is just my personal opinion, of course, but my future advice would be to be wary of a guy who isn’t into you sexually. At the very least I would definitely question the lack of interest. It shows there is some kind of disconnect or some other issue (and like I said, I’ve been there).

That’s too bad about his kids’ mom! So he is definitely a single dad with his hands full, if he never gets a break. I had just assumed he shared custody. And I don’t blame you for not bringing him home for overnights with your kids there. It sounds like it was hard to get any alone time at all for sex. I don’t think scheduling it is necessary a bad thing, for people with kids it’s the only way sometimes.

Bottom line, you will most likely never know what exactly was going on in his head. Like you said, if he’s not feeling it, he’s just not feeling it. It really sucks that everything seemed to be progressing so well and he pulled the rug out from under you. I’m sorry about that. I think no contact is the way to go. You should take care of you, at this point. Later on you can decide if you want anything to do with him.