Man Confuses Me

Hi Everyone,
Just wanted to give an update since I ran into the guy I was originally talking about last night.
First I just want to say: No contact is amazing. Hindsight is 2020. And the truth always comes out.
So, it’s been approximately a month since I snubbed him in our local coffee stop. I have seen him out with someone else on Monday nights in the past few weeks because it happened to be near where I was at the time with my kid. He’s also taking her to where his daughter works so I’m guessing she is not as much of a secret as I was. Looking back, I realize I most definitely was a secret. Our dates were mostly out of town until quarantine and then it was at my house or doing stuff like getting his car washed. I had not met family or friends. It turns out his divorce isn’t complete and he wasn’t planning on filing. He’s waiting for her to do it. But these are little tidbits acquired in small town gossip because people like to talk to me. And none of them matter. Especially because he approached me yesterday in the parking lot of our local coffee stop and I felt nothing. No connection. No chemistry. Just a moment of awkwardness when he approached which for me was a “how am I going to deal with this” moment. He was friendly, asked how I had been, asked why I didn’t text him anymore. I laughed and told him that I was enjoying life, had been going to really cool places, and frequenting flea markets (it’s my thing). The man actually looked jealous and envious that I was still going about my life. It was brief, friendly but just like catching up with a friend but not really a good one. I’m not sure if that is weird.

But the good news: so about 2 years ago I was involved with someone that I cared about a lot. The timing was never right though. We both had too much going on and he was in the process of a divorce, selling his home, and moving with his daughter to even think about a relationship. We mutually agreed to end things and go our separate ways but stay friends although distant ones. Well, we bumped into each other a few weeks ago at the flea market and it turned out the sparks were still there. The connection is still there and we both are in way better places in our lives. He’s also moved, completely divorced and has most of his life in order. As I just came off of a situationship I told him I’m not going to jump into anything but that I enjoy his company. He keeps showing up at the flea market to wait for me to walk/shop together. He’s introduced me to his friends. It’s clear I’m not a secret. One of his friends called him while he was with me and he actually told them he was with me then looked at me and said “Dom says hello” so he’s been mentioning my name to his friends. Just last weekend we went on a date to a local park that is based off the Isle of Iona with standing stones and faerie rings. And the date included his 14 year old autistic daughter who absolutely loved the place. He asked if I would take pics of the two of them together and then he took pics of me under certain stones. And he smiled/laughed when I took a selfie of the two of us and said it might go on my social media.

This is long and I feel like I’m gushing but there is a clear and distinct difference in the way the connection feels with both men. With the first guy I originally talked about I think we both wanted chemistry to be there that wasn’t and that’s why we only slept together a few times and came up with excuses for why we couldn’t. The current guy looks at me like it could happen any time any place and anywhere I asked for it. We aren’t at that stage but it’s still a damn good feeling to have a man look at you like that. And he just wants to “do” for me. I don’t have a better way to say that. He’ll be fixing the brake pads on my car next week so I don’t have to pay a mechanic. I was working on a costume and so he cut out wood so I could make a shield. His actions speak volumes.

I’m still going slow with the new/old guy but I’m hoping the timing is right this time around. Just wanted to give you all a happy update. I’m enjoying life, doing the things I love, and definitely not being a secret anymore.

The way you handled ex guy when you ran into him made me laugh. Yeah im sure his ego was hurt there.
Good luck with the new guy. I do think it will be good to tell him you are looking for a relationship but taking that easy. Otherwise he might also think no strings attached.

So I don’t know what category this would fall under so I’m just going to continue with this thread.

I’m feeling my professionalism slipping by the moment.
The man originally discussed in this thread is not nearly as amazing as I thought. I’m grateful to find out and I’m really, really trying to be grateful the universe is showing me that I dodged a lying slime ball but now it is at my work.

So, it seems that I was a secret and the other woman during the 5-6 months he was seeing me. Or he fell in love literally the day after he told me he didn’t know what he wanted. I hate that lie plus I trust my gut so I think she was around the entire time.

So now he is now buying a house through my office with the other woman although neither of them are divorced. Small town gossip has me knowing way too much I don’t want to know. And I know personal/private info because it’s in my office now. And what ticks me off the most is he knows I can’t say anything because of confidentiality.

I pride myself on being a professional but my limits are being tested by this. Seriously, there was no reason he couldn’t get referred out of my office.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

You have to keep telling yourself what you did: be glad he is gone. And yes you can bet he was already seeing her as well. Look he is doing nothing illegal so confidentiality means zero here. Youre just extra hurt he is now buying a house with someone else. But he is seriously rebounding and she is crazy. Dont know whats in the water of the small town there but i guess lots of ladies go bonkers with this guy. Remember how you were before you met him and go back to that gappy place when you hadnt met him yet. This will go away. And that house, i could bet lots of money here: that house wont be bought. He backpaddle and find another cook off and a lady with a hot grill pan. What happened to new oldish guy?

Well that’s just gross! It just goes to show two insecure people ending up with each other, bet their relationship workout (sarcasm on the last part).

People who go from relationship to relationship are VERY insecure, they don’t know how to be alone.

You are way better off without that guy, you don’t need his mess. I know it hurts and it sucks for them to flaunt their relationship in your face like that though, it’s still new so it’s hard to see it for what it is.

Try to take a different approach whenever you see them. Tell yourself things to life you up like:

-So glad I’m not her
-Thank you Jesus for that relationship ending
-I don’t envy what their future holds

Maybe this will help?

I have a feeling he heard this woman would get divorced and he jumped at a chance with her. Maybe he knew her and fancied her. Would explain the coffee date comment. But anyway it doesnt really matter. I do hope you get over these anger feelings. Yes this guy was sort of leading you on, but it didnt cost you anything. You have to try to make this smaller. Start the healing process

Gaia,

I find it odd that you have to be separated 2yrs before you can file divorce in your state? In most states that have a time-table with divorce, it’s either 6mths separated if no kids are involved OR 1yr separated if kids are involved. Was he the one who told you the 2yr rule? If so, he’s lying.

Regardless, it’s very obvious to me this guy is super insecure and is trying to setup shop with another woman before his divorce is final because he can’t be alone.

Why do you feel this is all coming from Karma? If you dated him under the impression he was separated, there is nothing you did wrong or to deserve this.

I know thoughts will run through you like the one you said, “Hey I didn’t pick you, here’s the one I did” but try as hard as you can to fight them off because they are not giving you the big picture of truth. When those things run through you, FORCE yourself to open up the big picture.

What I mean is, look at this guy and his character. He isn’t even divorced yet and he’s buying property with another woman who ALSO isn’t even divorced yet. That’s like the worst financial as well as worst business decision of all time!! You also said he is waiting for his ex-wife to file in an earlier post, so guess what that means..he’s a coward who can’t even close one chapter before opening another! Something tells me he’s delaying the divorce because he knows he’s going to be hit in the pockets once monthly support payments start. Again such a loser! Do you really want a person like this to pick you? Even if he did pick you, you’re response should be “thanks but no thanks”.

Trust me, you don’t want to get involved with a man who makes poor financial decisions and is insecure. You’ll be plagued with a life long of financial strain and mistrust.

So when the bad thoughts come, look at the BIG PICTURE. This other woman isn’t winning anything great by getting chosen by a loser.

Gaia,

I looked it up for PA and here is what I found:

“As of December 2016, the waiting period for filing a unilateral no-fault divorce – meaning only one of the spouses wants to divorce – decreased from two years of living separately to one year. However, for those who file for divorce prior to physically separating will have to live apart and wait two years to file.”

So this doesn’t match-up with the 2yr thing if neither of them have filed yet. Doesn’t really matter because he’s not your problem, I was just curious how it worked in PA because a 2yr separation is unheard of to me and it sounds like they did way with that unless people file for divorce prior to separating.

And yes it does make sense now. You get a front row seat to his Karma, hope you bring popcorn with you to work lol