Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Marriage or not to marriage
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Sophia.
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Sandra
Hello
I’m a 30 Y/o female married to a 33 y/o male. Our marriage started 2 years ago and has been incredibly rocky. It has had good times, of course, but we got married for visa reasons after dating long distance for 2 years (1 year when we met and 1 year while engaged) and in the same city for 1.5. We lived together too for 6 months.
So I recently started reading a book called “why does he do that” and it has made very clear that my husband has emotionally abusive tendencies. He has a horrific temper, is cruel and vindictive, and act times even somewhat of a misogynist.
He yells and screams, slams his fist on the table, and has called me names when we are arguing. Typically very minor disagreements lead to arguments as well.
This is pretty devastating as I am also extremely in love with him. I also am 30… and I do not want to be single again as I really want kids.
I understand he will not change. I have tried to talk to him about his behavior and am always met with “this is who I am”. What I need to decide is do I walk away now and start over and pray I meet someone with enough time to have kids? Or do I just have kids with him and then leave?
I appreciate everyone’s help.AngieBaby
You need to find a counselor in real life, because just the fact that you’re here asking and the answers aren’t plain as the noonday sun means you’ve already deep into battered wife syndrome.
To directly answer: GET OUT. NOW. DO NOT GET PREGNANT WITH THIS MAN. This is an extremely unhealthy situation. To even think of bringing children into this mess is criminal in my book.
You’re only 30, you have plenty of time to meet someone else. Once you’re out, you need to gain a sense of yourself and what healthy love and relationships look like before you even think about becoming a mother. Children aren’t toys.
Run, don’t walk, to a counselor. I hope you’re not tied into this for “visa reasons.”
Maddie
Second all angiebaby said. Leave when you can, without kids. Kids mean you’re tied to him always, and he will likely be just as abusive to them as he is to you. And/or, if you try to leave with kids, will find ways to insert himself in their lives and prevent you from having full custody while also seeking revenge on you for leaving. Do not put children through this. 30 is plenty young to have time to heal from this, meet someone else, and start a family. But you need to work through the scars of this and what led you to this situation first.
You also need to make sure it’s safe for you to leave (assuming you will leave), and expert resources will be important for that aspect as well.
Raven
Desperate is as desperate does… GET. OUT. NOW.
Sandra
Ok message received. I will find a professional to diagnose what is going on. For context I originally went to see someone about 4 months into our marriage and they never mentioned that what could be going on is emotional abuse so I would like someone to confirm who has experience with this kind of thing.
Queenie
I can speak from personal experience, DO NOT have kids with this man, and Get Out as SOON as you can. He WILL NOT change, and the abuse will only get WORSE. If you have kids with him you will be tied to him for at least 18years.
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage which eventually became physically abusive after my 2nd child. It started with exactly what you described, the temper, the name calling, the showing of physical aggression (slamming fists), the vindictiveness, him intentionally trying to hurt my feelings, bringing up things I told him in confidence in front of others, shaming me, I could go on and on. My (now ex) husband went to jail after the police came, for the 3rd time, and saw the bruises around my neck, all over my arms and back, and the scratches and bite mark on him (defensive wounds from me, when he had me pinned down, him being 100lbs bigger than me, choking me).
Do not let this be you. I wish I saw all the blaring red flags. And I wish I was strong enough to have left him for good the first few times I tried, before it became physical. It was such an awful cycle. And I kept going back. But while he was in jail I finally was forced to stay away from him and was able to get counseling, and see him for what he was. If I stayed, I may have been killed.
Please, please, seek help and support from family or friends, or a counselor.
You do not deserve this. Nobody does.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
You can be stronger than you think. You will find love and family from someone who will love and respect you. He will never be able to give you that.Queenie
Caetru
Yes, what he is doing is emotionally and verbally abusive. Why would you consider bringing children into this unhealthy situation? From experience, the stress of having children brought into the mix will only make his behavior worse. And he will be in your life forever not just until they turn 18.
I’m glad you are open to getting counseling. Please try to understand why you are willing to stay in an abusive relationship and then think it’s OK to bring children into it. Get yourself to a healthy place and then you will be able to find a good man to start a family with.
Some books I found helpful
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
A Woman’s Worth
Codependent No MoreSandra
Thanks all
This is obviously really hard to come to terms with but I appreciate the recourse recommendations and have reached out to a LMFT counselorSteph
Also, who says that just because you’re 30 means your biological clock is ticking? I’m 29 and as single as can be. Plenty of women have babies into their late 30’s and early 40’s. Modern medicine makes it possible. You DO NOT want to have children with an abuser.
AngieBaby
Queenie: THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your story. A lot of people read this forum and I”m sure you’ve just helped a lot of people including the OP. What a difficult situation. I”m very glad you and your children got out.
Sophia
What AngieBaby said. 💛
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