Meeting kids

No, I don’t think it’s weird to buy a young girl a birthday gift. He is trying to make sure things go smooth for the introduction.
If you are worried about what kind of gift. It can be something you made, something tactile, baked goods, etc

Thanks for your replies!

OP here – Hello again,
I’ve now had a few outings with the kids now and things went fine. I did end up getting a gift for the girl which was the right decision.

I am having a few difficulties otherwise , specifically , I just feel kind of helpless when it comes to this integration. My boyfriend doesn’t really voluntarily talk much about future plans but usually just says vague things like “eventually you’ll be able to come over whenever “.
His mom is helping take care of the kids whenever he has them and unfortunately she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me , including meeting me.
It makes me sad and It’s been hard enough the last 10 months not really feeling like I’m fully in the relationship (not really seeing him on days and the alternating weekends he has his kids).
So now I realized this week that I won’t even be able to step foot in the house as long as his mom is not ok with meeting me . He says he’s hopeful maybe eventually she will agree to being in the same house as me .
This vague talk makes me anxious and I feel like I’m not in control of the situation at all.
Just for a bit of background , when the kids aren’t there , it’s like I live in his house . We spend all our time together and cook together etc . Then when alternate weekends come I feel I am banished and it just feels to me I’m not in a full relationship. The hope I had was once I meet the kids it’ll be easier but now I almost see no end in sight with his mom being this way.
Then I feel like when I mention these things I’m being pushy . He says I’m trying to move things along too fast but I feel like I just need some concrete plans or to see what he even wants , so that I know the time I’m spending is even worth all this .
Any advice ?

Why does his mother have such a problem with you? You’ve never even met her. What happened?

I agree with Tallspicy that your bf needs to manage his mother. If he wants a serious relationship with you, he needs to stand up to her…not just make excuses and put it off, but actually do it.

* HER personality

OP here again.

Gaia – he is much older than I am that’s for sure . Early 50s believe it or not ! I’m in my 30s.
Sometimes I do wonder how much of it is him or his mom . Maybe he makes her seem worse than she is.
He also kept delaying me meeting the kids because he kept saying he’s scared of how the kids will handle it … even though we went to counseling to prepare us and talked to his friends in similar situation (all of them urged him to just tell his kids about me already!… but he kept me waiting and waiting and waiting
He made up all these doom and gloom scenarios but in reality the kids were totally fine !

So now I see this pattern repeating and I’m
Just so fed up! Like when will I finally feel like I’m in a true relationship ?

I’ve thought about just not sleeping over there . I know he will not Handle it well at all! I am certainly “playing house” and it doesn’t feel right .
He says if we stop sleeping over the relationship will erode. But maybe it’s time I put my foot down.
If I do this , what do I tell him ? Do I tell him why I’m doing it?

Thanks so much

Everything Gaia said. Also, let me get this straight- this man’s mother stays with him for the entire weekend when he has his kids? He can’t manage his children on his own over the weekend? Why does his mother need to be there?

I thought you meant she helped with child care when he was at work, but it sounds like she’s there for the entire weekend when he’s got the kids.

OH NO NO NO NO NO!
NO! Did I make that clear?
He is ERASING all trace of you before his “mom” comes over?
I don’t believe it’s his mom. Sounds like his wife or other girlfriend. You don’t hide the woman you are seeing unless you have a reason too.

No, he is obviously not giving you the love and attention you need. Don’t analyze yourself, evaluate him and his compatibility with you. Hiding you from mom, kids and who knows who else would be a deal breaker for me.

Oh wow. There are so, so many red flags here.
“He’s not really capable of doing the single dad thing and seems to need help. She does most of the cooking but also helps care for the kids. She also sleeps over those days.”
So in other words, he’s not a functioning adult? He can’t care for his own children by himself? This would be so incredibly unattractive to me. My bf is a single dad, late 40s- he cooks, he cleans, he cares for his son in a very hands-on way when he’s got him for the weekend. And I find it incredibly sexy, I really do.

“Every time I go over, I need to erase all traces of my existence before the kids and mom come in.” Honestly my jaw almost hit the floor when I read your last post.
You contradict yourself here, because you say he gives you the love and care you need, and he goes above and beyond….and yet you say “I have been in such distress it is causing fights with my bf and I feel I can’t even be my best happiest self around him most days anymore.” You deserve better. This guy doesn’t sound like relationship material, at all.

The more information we get the worse this sounds for you.

I’m going to say this with a lot of love and sympathy because I have been in your shoes:
STOP IT! You are making lame excuses for his unacceptable behavior. He isn’t even single. Get that through your head right now to save you heartache. He will still need to process his divorce once it actually happens and that will be his next excuse. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

There are so many things I can point out to you but you may need to figure it out for yourself. Please, take some space for you. Don’t worry about what to tell him. In fact, if you must be crystal clear: I’m taking space because you are not divorced, our relationship isn’t progressing, and I’m not going to hide from the people and family in your life anymore.

After 9 months+ the excuses are wearing thin. Trust me a 7 and 10 year old won’t care if you are an overnight guest or if you leave something behind if he is genuinely serious about you.

He is using you as a placeholder while figuring out his divorce. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

What are you really losing if you walk away from this man? Nothing. You’ll be gaining your sanity, less fights and opening up to someone who truly wants you in their life all the time not part-time.

Thank you all so much . You are helping tremendously
I don’t mind the tough love AT ALL. Please keep it coming if there’s anything else you want me to know . I promise everything here is helping .
Just as it did last year in my other relationship .

I did date someone for 6 months last who was separated . He got a divorce while we were together . That relationship was nothing like this one (that guy only wanted to see me once a week, rarely called etc. This guy is in touch with me all day every day with phone calls, messages – and wants to see me all the time, and tells all his friends and colleagues about me and wants me to meet them ).

However I am not making excuses .

To clarify , they have filed for divorce . It’s just the back and forth agreements dealing with financial things. He signed his end in October and she held onto hers for months . Last month I told him to please keep reminding her to return her part . He did this (even in front of me on the phone with her) and she finally returned her side last week with many new requests so now he’s reading and needs to sign and Return.

Emotionally they’ve been separated for 3 years . Officially she moved out in sept 2020.
I truly didn’t think him not being divorced was an issue as I see he’s taken steps and actively filed etc.
But again, I’m not making excuses . Just explaining .

Also he pursued me like crazy … this is why eventually he won me over . Otherwise I don’t purposely date separated guys. He convinced me by explaining the above that there is zero emotional connection left with her and he’s already Mourned the divorce .

Anyways , again, not an excuse … as yes the fact he can’t care for his kids alone is extremely concerning. He does have a very demanding job and often works late or weekends , so he uses this as a type of excuse as to why he can’t do it alone .