Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Meeting up with Ex
- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
Jennifer.
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Bee
My ex and I have been back in contact for a month or so. It’s been fun and lighthearted conversation, but he’s made no mention of wanting to get back together or anything like that. Today, he suggested getting together at my house for a movie because of the virus stuff. While I don’t think this is a ploy to sleep with me, I still find it too intimate of a setting to meet up for the “1st time”… plus it leaves no room for conversation. I asked why he wanted to meet up and he said it would just be cool to do a movie night. Really I wanted to get some sort of insight. Lol. But that’s all I got.
So I said in reply that I’d love to see him, too. But that I’m also trying to move on and that it might hurt us more. That if he wanted to get together in a quiet, public setting (a walk, coffee on a bench)
and talk about life and such then that’s fine. We can plan somethingBut that if isn’t clear on why he wants to see me and just wants to “hang out” then I think it’s best that we not spend too much time together.
Obviously I don’t want to scare him off with being too serious here, but I also have to set personal boundaries and protect myself. Do you think I did this right?
m
What do you want out of it?
Do you want to get back together? Though you talk about being cautious, some of your phrasing suggests you are hopeful of getting back together – for example not wanting to scare him off.
You’re broken up- no matter what you do there’s no guarantee you’ll get back together.
The fact that you’re focusing a lot on whether the activity is appropriate, or whether there will be enough conversation implies there are still feelings involved – you’re not treating it exactly like meeting a friend. Because it sounds like you both aren’t over what happened.
What’s your aim out of this? getting closure? Being chill friends (because from what I read, you’re not quite over it enough to be chill), or getting with him? Before anyone can answer if they think you did it right, it helps to know what the aim actually is.
Why did you say what you did to him – it’s a good point, you need clarity in his actions beforeyou guys can decide whether seeing each other is appropriate. It’s good to have clear boundaries with an aim to avoid either party getting hurt. That’s a sensible thing to say. But what are you hoping he’d say?
If you want to get with him, see him somewhere you feel comfortable, have that conversation and take things from there. If you just want to be friends, avoid date-like situations, hanging out at each other’s flats in the evenings or where alcohol is involved – avoid things that make you feel like you’re falling ito a couple-routine or would lead to sex.
If you feel there’s a mismatch in what you want (he wants him, you don’t, or vice versa) then stay away from each other entirely, in the politest way. Before you hurt yourselves. Be careful – playing with fire usually leads to getting burnt.But your ex is usually an ex for a reason. You don’t have to tell us why you broke up, but is that issue resolved? Because if not, then getting back together will lead to the same fights in ike 1 month’s time. Think carefully about what went wrong before you decide to try again.
Lastly: if your country/state hasn’t released restrictions, then you shouldn’t be meeting up at all.
Bee
All great points!
I do want to be with him, but I also want to make sure I have boundaries in place. For me, that’s not hanging out at my house when I haven’t seen him in person in 8 months. (He moved away and now is back). We have talked on and off since breaking up last year. I know that we both still care for each other, but nothing has come of it and I don’t want to get hurt. What I wanted from him was a reason as to why he wants to meet after all this time. Surely it’s not just to watch a movie. But if all he wants to be buds then I don’t think it’s a good idea to spend too much time together. It feels counterintuitive, but given our history I think it was best. I know you can only give limited advice, but was hoping for for some feedback.Raven
It’s a ploy…
You don’t know where he’s been…
Please stay distanced.Lane
I think you are way overthinking this! He may not know what he wants or doesn’t want until he sees you again.
I’ve been in this scenario twice, and both times they evolved into long-term relationships. Not because I was conjuring up some kind of ‘plan’ but whether *I* wanted to meet up with them again. The thing is, our endings happened for the same reason yours did, so there was no ill will or bad feelings, it just naturally fizzled out due to distance.
The first was my (now ex) husband. We were stationed together in the military when we both received orders to different bases that were in different states. He was able to get his orders changed to get near mine but he had to stay at the base we were at for another year to get them. Over time my feelings dwindled, I ended it, and started dating other guys. A few months later he called me out of the blue on my birthday, then said he was flying in next week and asked if I would pick him up from the airport. I thought about it for a bit, wasn’t sure I should as was seeing someone at the time but that’s what military comrades do for each other, so I agreed. I swear, the moment we saw each other it was like the year never happened! We slipped right back into the relationship as if we were never apart and were married 10 months later! That marriage lasted over 20 years.
My current BF of over three years happened for the similar reason. He works on ships, was in my town when his ship was being worked on for six months, we had a fling, and then he left. We communicated once or twice through an FB post but that was it as I honestly thought I would never see him again. Well, I received a text from him out of blue about 9 months later saying “would you like to meet for a drink?” I honestly thought he texted me accidentally and responded “I think this was meant for someone else lol” where he responded they were back for more re-work on his ship and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him for a drink. I thought about where a couple of my employees said “what’s the harm, he’ll come into your business anyways so why not do it now.” They were right, so I did. Same exact thing happened! Him and I slipped right back as if the 9 months didn’t happen, and we’re still going strong over three years later!
I can’t say this will happen to you the way it happened for me but why not give it try! Just meet him, and see what happens! You only have one life, so live it.
Bee
@lane
I get what you’re saying. But it didn’t quite fizzle out that way. To give more of a backstory, he had actually asked me to move there so we could be together. We talked a lot about that. I started looking at my options, etc. But that all changed overnight. He backed away, said he no longer saw me that way and went out of contact for a month. I feel as if I invested a lot of time and effort into him and that idea but then ended up hurting me. Upon his recontacting me, he asked if we could be “friends “. I agreed, but as time passes I feel as though he needs to figure out what he really wants… otherwise he can’t have full access to me. If he could be enthusiastic about me moving to another state for him after then I don’t think meeting him for a movie is going to make or break things. I didn’t say no. Not sure if I said the right things but it’s out of protection for myself.
Bee
Update: He just texted me and said you never answered me.
Apparently that whole text didn’t even go through? Omg.
bookgirl
I hope it all turns out well – give us an update and good luck!
Lane
I still see no harm in meeting up, even if its just a friendly catch up. No need to blather on and on about the past and should try to stay in the present, the here and now, who the two of you are today, and then decide how you want to proceed or not proceed at all.
Oftentimes meeting someone you haven’t seen in awhile can make it clearer for you, even if it doesn’t amount to anything but a friendly catch up. Sometimes silence is better than a bunch of words, that way you can’t mess up trying to say something you want to say but it comes out the wrong way haha.
Newbie
I feel with the context you gave the right boundary is not to get back to contact at all unless he makes it clear he wants to date you again. If you read back your first post you stated: i feel its too intimate to start with a home movie. So your brain is already set for trying again (Otherwise why use the word start). If he backed out the first time, now only said he wants to be friends, you stating you want to limit acces to you: means no acces to you. Unless you want to be friends
Newbie
The fact he didnt get the message is not a bad thing. Too much bla bla bla. The first two sentences alone are complete contradictions. Just state simple truths
Anon
Do not meet up with him! I’m not sure where you live but I wouldn’t meet up with someone you have no idea where they’ve been. Also, what guy just wants to come over to a house to be friends?? I’m thinking he is missing sex and wanted to see you to see if this is a possibility.
If you want to meet him anyways with the virus around- then set the boundary right now- and say- let’s go for a walk- if he’s suddenly not available for that/ it was only to meet up for eventual sex.
Bee
I’m glad it didn’t go through, too, tbh. Still not letting him come over but a walk sounds good. Locally, the restrictions are easing. Thank you!
Jennifer
I agree with Lane. Life is short and there is no harm in meeting him, especially since he is motivated to see you! If you don’t do it, you may be thinking of the what-if’s for a lifetime. You may only get this chance and life has a way of delivering interesting twists and turns. Open the door, stay in the present, and see if there’s something still there between you.Good luck!
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