Memoirs Of An Ex Ghostee… Spot Ghosters And Save Yourself

When we are ghosted we usually say ‘I can’t believe I didn’t see that coming or I didn’t recognize the signs.

Most catch up on the ghosting game when it has already happened or, when the ghosting process is already in the advanced stages.

Usually ,when the clear ghosting red flags are up, you’re already in the process of being ghosted, at this point you can’t salvage anything, your first instinct is to panic and push hard, it will just speed up the process, calling them out or interrogating them will again speed the process.

At this point, you just have to take the L and cut your losses, knowing you’re just finishing the job for the ghoster,it’s too late. Anything you do after the red flags are up, will be for you, not them because they have already checked out.

When it comes to ghosting, start with the amber flags, when you see red, you’re already out of the game. You’re just waiting to hear the ‘poof!’ as they disappear into the night.

So here’s some stuff I learnt from being ghosted in the past, which hopefully will help someone out there who is looking out for potential ghosts, someone in the process of being ghosted, ghosted and looking to reform like me lol.

1) I’ll start with the simple one. If someone tells to you they’re not looking for anything serious. Please believe them and know they’ll ghost you. They’re coming with an expiry date already and when they are no longer feeling you, they will bail without ceremony. You can’t ask them anything really, it was never that deep to begin with, at least for them and they told you. It’s rude but they don’t see it that way, so ghosting it will be!

If you can’t define the relationship, it doesn’t exist, maybe it does, but in the ether regions. Which means at some point, the person won’t exist too and they’ll treat you like you don’t either!

2) If they love bomb you/ future fake/overwhelm you too much, too soon. From telling you they’ve been thinking about you when you’ve just met them days or a week ago or even on dating sites , bombarding you with calls to ‘surprise you’, without even asking if you’re busy or good to talk , start talking about all the future dates in a row that you’ll have, how extremely hot/beautiful you are, how you drive them crazy for you all the time.

They overwhelm you, so you can be oblivious to the con they’re running, i.e they are not for real.

They don’t respect emotional boundaries, they will push and push you and be all up in your personal space, but you are never allowed to get close to theirs. Any attempt to get close they snap back like a rubber band. These are the actions of a person who has a foot outside the door.

3) They want to know how you feel about them but are vague about their own feelings. Ghosters already have one foot out the door but they need something from you, yet they are not willing to give anything in return. They usually ask if you think they’re hot, funny, if you like them, if you’re attracted to them. They always want some feedback and some reassurance from you. Don’t mistake if for weakness, they are checking to see if their con is running and when to make the grand exit.. When it’s your turn to ask, they get distant or sound cryptic. They know they are not there for the long run but they need a base of operations which is your attention, adoration, your body etc..

4) They make plans and flake without calling or explaining. They are the ones who do the planning, not even you. And they just decide not to follow through and not tell you. To keep the charade going, they make excuses and quickly try to reschedule, only to cancel again. When you plan a date with this individual, a day before or on the day of, they stop replying. The ‘What time? Are we still on?’ texts go unread only for them to surface after the fact or in some cases, days after or to just disappear altogether. They are sending you a message, which is, they will definitely ghost you. Flaking is already a less obvious form of ghosting, the main event is on the way.

5) Interactions with them will often leave you feeling cold, confused, frustrated, angry, empty or sad. There is no warmth with ghosts, what you’re mistaking for warmth is the adrenaline rush. Someone who doesn’t have much to give you, is incapable of making you feel warm. That is why you chase them so much in the end when they go poof, you’re looking for your adrenaline fix. You’re not even chasing this person, the rational part of you knows you don’t even like them that much now, but who on earth likes a drug dealer so they can do business with them?
If a person makes you feel like that, they are definitely going to ghost you, no doubt and when they do, you’re going to hit the trenches.

6) If they deliberately ghost you the first time, they will ghost you the second and the third and the fourth. Sometimes after short or long intervals. Save yourself from the heartache. What has changed from the last time they went poof?! Usually nothing, but they have been dumped or they kept you on a rotation roaster and it just happened to be your turn or they are just bored and need an ego boost.

Don’t take back ghosters, especially those who not only went poof, but took it further by ignoring your attempts to communicate with them like an adult or worse, blocked you unprovoked.

7) If they are always vague, cryptic, mysterious, they’re going to ghost you. There really is no mystery to that man/woman. The only mystery they are hiding is, they are not being real with you.

Sure, ghosters ‘open up’, by tossing you some breadcrumbs but usually it’s information that is negligible or an ‘occupational hazard’ of the game.

The truth is, most ghosters are like the Scooby Doo monsters. If you uncover them/figure them out, you will find out they are just a man/woman who didn’t have anything to offer you in the first place, so they created this ‘supernatural’ phenomenon around themselves.

That’s why they can’t have a decent conversation with you to tell you it’s over or something along those lines. Those are honest human conversations which require real feelings, this means after that, you’ll start seeing them without their masks. Can’t have that can we?

They gotta keep that street cred, so they can live rent free inside your head as you try to solve the ‘mystery’ that is them. You’re not really chasing them, you’re chasing the answers!

Recognize these people and get out before you get hurt. You can’t play this game with them, you won’t win. You’re already invested to some degree , they are not. You’re getting into a game where the score is 1-0 in favor of the ghoster already.

Of course some are going to say, no one wakes to and decides to be this diabolical and play such stupid games with people. They don’t actively wake up and decide to do this, but they are hard wired to conduct themselves like this!. It’s normal human behavior to them, so they don’t wake up and make these grand schemes, they just act in the manner they’re wired to. Don’t be shocked when you hear ghosters say ‘What’s the fuss, I don’t get the fuss. I wasn’t interested and I dropped you, suck it up!’…. assuming they even respond to you LOL!

Peace