Men Who Can't Love

I can only comment on my own experience. My first husband was attentive until we got engaged after 2 years of dating and over a year of living together. Then there was a complete 180. He seemed to have time for everyone in his life but me, started flirting, ignoring me when we went out in groups or to parties. He wouldn’t even acknowledge we had a committed relationship or were engaged, he’d only acknowledge I was his ‘sort of serious’ girlfriend to people we met. I put it down to pre-wedding nerves. I couldn’t believe he’d had a permanent personality transplant. I left after 2 years of marriage finally admitting he wasn’t going to revert to the way he used to be. It was like a switch was flipped when we got engaged.

I dont know the book, but if the title says ‘men who cant love’ i assume its about men who cant love and not about men who can commit just fine. So youre fishing in the pool of men who cant love i think there is a high change you will pick a commitment phobe. So in not sure how you find opposite views from the book versus this site. The views on emotionally unavailable men here are pretty much the same as in the book.
These days i think its way harder to find a good man who wants to settle. It all depends on timing i guess

Jo- That sounds awful. I’m sorry about that. There’s nothing you could have done and I hope you don’t blame yourself.

Phoebe – Another thing to mention is that the commitment-phobic will resent their partners and punish them. Maybe not directly. It’s often passive aggressive like ignoring them, disappearing for lengths of time, treating them coldly. Like I said they can have just as much trouble saying no than they do saying yes. They can’t make a mental commitment to anyone but they also can’t say “I want out”. Hence why they often leave without a word or try to get the other person to break up with them so they don’t have to feel responsible. So they may stay in a relationship while not being happy at all. Even though they initially said they wanted a commitment and often times they were the ones that pushed for it they can’t help but become overwhelmed with an intense fear and like they are being trapped. One story in this book accounts a man that had been heavily pursuing a woman. He pulled out all the stops and romantic gestures to woe her. She wasn’t into him at first (which made him push harder). Finally she agreed to go out with him and when she told him she liked him he said he had this panic come over him. This voice (not literally a voice I’m sure…) telling him to run. He never talked to her again.

I personally don’t think this is a *guy* thing but a personal human desire to not commit to something long-term. Some people can, some can’t, where they fall out of love almost as quickly as they fall in, IF they fall in love.

Love is fickle. All it does is provide a base foundation but there are many other factors involved that determines if it has staying power or not. Even the most commitment phobic people can find that other person (e.g., soul mate) and commit to them for life. And the opposite can happen too, where a non-commitment phobic person can have trouble sustaining relationships.

I think a lot of this psychobabble and don’t put a whole lot of stock into it. If a man doesn’t want to commit, then why should he? Is there some come of law or rule that say’s a man HAS TO commit to a woman? If they don’t its OK, if they do, its OK too. I personally don’t have the time nor energy wasting it on someone who doesn’t and only spend it with guy’s who do…makes life a whole lot easier.