Met a guy in a pub

I’m reading it as he wasn’t hinting – he was telling you to expect to pay for yourself. A guy who intended to take out wouldn’t mention the paid entry. If a guy asks me out I expect him to pay. Me, I’d say no thanks and stop responding to him.

But tbh a lot of men that I am meeting these days don’t seem so desirous to pay. And say that they respect a girl who pays for herself more than those that expect you to pay. I don’t subscribe to that logic but it still makes me feel cheap these days if a guy ends up paying for me….I know he doesn’t want to, he did it because he has do it if he wants another date, if I tuned back and offered to pay they would most probably accept my share. I can’t keep going on dates, and have a really good time only to realize that you have to give your share too or the guy looks uncomfortable because he paid/ or he must now be feeling entitled enough to make some move (just because you paid for a date you don’t get the green signal to sleep with me, there are lots of other thigs as well). I never found such guys in the beginning. Maybe I am just not dating the right people…..I mean somehow I am ending up with guys who don’t wanna pay at the end of a very good date as well. I mean I find that out in the end, and feel disappointed, or they pick up the tab and when I offer to pay my share they accept it. ALL OF THEM. I feel like I wasted another evening when I go home after having paid for myself after yet another date.

Would you guys go out with him in this situation tomorrow to the club?

How old are you?

That was snarky on his part. I personally wouldn’t go out with him. I’d just stop replying or tell him that you don’t see this going anywhere and you’re out.

It sounds like you have low self esteem. The bigger issue is you need to develop a set of boundaries and standards that screen out disrespectful abusive men. And stop offering to pay. Just go have coffee or drinks dates for first dates so there’s not a costly meal involved and you’re spending no more than an hour with them.

I suggest working with a dating coach or a therapist to handle your issues so you don’t continue having bad experiences with men.

I feel like there’s a lot of guesswork going on here, and a lot of it is out of fear and projection from the past to try to protect yourself. But you said you don’t actually know him at all. So I feel like there’s not enough information here. Either he’s “too smooth” and really only looking for something casual, or you’re getting your wires crossed because communication is over text only. If you’re interested in going on one date, tell him to take you out for a coffee on a day that is more than 24 hours notice (you can even snark back that he can still pick up the tab). That way you’re not committing to an entire night out with him and can gauge in person if he’s just coming across different over text or if he seems like a player who isn’t worth your time. Or, since you’re already getting vibes that are turning you off, you can just say it was nice meeting him but you’re not interested, and then totally stop talking to him.

Myrtle,

Our ways of navigating in dating align exactly (being true to thyself). I eventually met my bf and in a loving relationship. Keep it up, and you will eventually have the same.

Go with your gut. If he feels like a player, he must be one.

And keep refusing these free home dates. And if he doesn’t come up with anything else just dump him.

AngieBaby, don’t get emotionally invested in these posts. I see your tone getting exasperated. Take some time off away and come back when you can post your [very helpful!] advice without convicting someone before they’ve even commented. It’s not helpful for you, and it’s not nice to the OP. We have no idea what the real story is, thus separation is important for your well being.

You give great advice but lots of them won’t listen to it.

I don’t think Angie is giving bad advice at all. You are sending mixed signals (even though I don’t think you mean to) and don’t know how to get what you want because you’re trying to protect yourself by focusing on figuring him out rather than having confidence in yourself that you’ll be okay even if you find out he’s a player and it’s not going anywhere with him. If you think he’s a player, have him take you on a real date somewhere you can talk and get to know each other without distraction, like coffee or dinner. It’s nice you had a good time at the club, but for a first date that is a hookup scenario. That is why we suggested asking him to take you out somewhere you could talk and he could pay and without too many drinks involved… if he doesn’t want to do that and pushes for the club or home dates, then you’ll know exactly what he’s looking for.

I agree with AngieBaby as well (I also understand her exasperation, lol). You are giving mixed signals and don’t seem to know what you want. You say you’re not looking for a serious commitment, but you’re also telling this guy that “true love” is the way to get you into bed.

Look at the situation this way, you met the guy in a pub, your 1st date with the guy was in a club, and he’s asked you on a 2nd date to a “ladies drinks night” and “snacks and drinks at his house”. All your interactions are centered around clubs/alcohol. And going to his home on your 2nd date isn’t a wise thing to do- it’s too soon for home dates. You’re joking about being horny with him, he’s telling you he was turned on when you kissed him- it’s too soon for that. None of these things are conducive to anything serious. Now, you say you’re not looking for anything serious but if you’re not, why fret so much about his intentions and whether he’s a player?

So yes, you seem all over the place. This guy says he wants a girlfriend- then let him take you on a proper date, where you can sit and talk without the distraction of other people and loud music in a club. A coffee date, dinner or lunch, whatever.