Middle-aged love, is it worth it?


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  • This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 4 years ago by AnneMarie.
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  • #835859 Reply
    AnneMarie

    As a young widow (38, now 55) with a questionable dating past over the last 17 years, I have finally met a real, genuine, trustworthy, capable man, and he’s my age! Like what?!!!??? It was just about the only good thing 2020 brought me. We have been dating for 6 glorious months, and I don’t have a single complaint. Well, typical kid issues, slight personality differences, etc., but nothing that I would consider a deal breaker. The problem is, after hoping to meet an emotionally and every other way available man, now that I have I am starting to worry about losing my independence. Not my independent thoughts or ways necessarily, but the thought of actually living with someone scares the heck out of me. I like being alone, sleeping alone, waking up alone, etc. I love spending weekends together, and having my weekdays to myself, to basically do whatever I want without having to worry about another person. Before someone yells at me, I totally agree that this sounds so selfish! I don’t want to be and I love the security of a relationship. But I’m afraid I’m too set in my ways and I would never want to hurt a great man like this by my short-sightedness. So, tell me, at 55 (not 20s or 30s when we want a significant other for procreation etc!!) is living with someone all that great? Like, is it worth the compromise? And is it so awful to want to live alone? I would highly suggest trying it for those who haven’t! He is a future-talker and with retirement looming, it seems I’d be an idiot to pass on love. Or would I … TIA for your experiences and thoughts!

    #835862 Reply
    AnneMarie

    I didn’t mention LOVE. Yes, I love him. I know what love is. But it isn’t that crazy stupid non-thinking dumb love that makes no sense and just feels a certain way. It’s a thoughtful, caring, fun kind of love, with all aspects being top notch. IDK I know I need help in the relationship area so again, TIA. I truly don’t want to make any more dating mistakes.

    #835876 Reply
    Lane

    Hi AnnaMarie, I totally understand where you’re coming from as I’m your age the same way lol. What did it for me is that I was lucky enough to find partners who travel for work so I was able to keep my independence, plus my space but also enjoy the benefit of being in a relationship too.

    My ex-husband was gone almost half of our 20+ year marriage while in the military. Although raising the kids alone could be tough at times, especially during the long deployments lasting 9 months; because of my independent nature I was able to manage the homestead alone.

    My current partner goes out to sea for three to four months at a time so I’m able to maintain my independence with him as well. Interestingly, its because of my independent nature they felt totally at ease leaving for long stretches of time knowing I could handle and manage everything on my own. Its one of the things they both really loved/love about me. I too was very concerned about giving it up and moving in with my partner but overtime, several years now, I was able to see that I wasn’t going to lose anything but gain a great “interdependent” (key word) relationship with a good man. I’m currently trying to sell my business (darn COVID) and permanently move in with my beau in a house we selected a couple years ago about 6.5 hours away from where I currently reside. Kicker is, I no longer have the fears you do now—I want to do it!

    I would give it some time before making any snap decisions. Communicate your needs like you did here, if you haven’t already as he might love that about you, like mine does with me? Just keep being your independent self and if he needs too much together then broach your concerns but until then you could be worried about nothing.

    #835877 Reply
    Elvira

    Hi AnneMarie
    I understand the need and desire to be alone and have the freedom you have been accustomed to. I don’t think that is being selfish and its what you like so no shame in liking things a certain way (also that may change later on). Another couple’s “normal” doesn’t need to apply to your normal in a relationship. That is the beauty of having choices we can decide with our partners what works for us. Whether that is being in an open, monogamous, married or not living together. It is your choice with your partner to choose what works for both of you. That said have you discussed with him how he sees the future between you two? Does he want to live together or does he want to maintain separate households? I think the biggest issue we have is the fear of communication. We are afraid to say what we want because it may not be what the other person wants or what society dictates as standard. Once you have settled yourself in a fulfilling lifestyle and are happy you should not change that because now you have a partner. Also 6 months is not a long time, I think it is too soon to be thinking about your living situation. Unless he has already asked and in that case I would hold off at least for a year before making that decision. I would also make sure that if you do decide it is an arrangement that works, you don’t lose your independence or security and are happy with all arrangements (financially and possible marriage).

    #835881 Reply
    Newbie

    You are at an age where you define the outlines of what makes you happy. So if thats a lat relationship or living together or whatever. In my case its a parttime ltr. Because i didnt feel it was wise to emigrate to a new country all together. So for you thinking about what works for you makes sense and has nothing to do with love. But he might feel different so thats up to the two of you.
    But i also agree with elvira that 6 months is not long yet so there is no rush to do or be final about anything. This just started to be a real relationship so keep the pace and good luck

    #835886 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Why not compromise? Get a trailer at a cheap campground and spend time alone there. There are many creative ideas for time together as well as time alone.

    #835888 Reply
    AnneMarie

    Loving what I’m reading! I actually dated this gentleman for a few months 6 years ago, but left him high and dry for my rollercoaster guy. What an idiot I was! But timing is everything and he is also a widow, and it was 1 year for him at the time. Now it’s 7 years and he’s in a much better place. He has shared with me that back in 2015 I broke his heart. Ugh!!! He wants to definitely live together and has mentioned the M word, only in that way (not saying the actual word!) as he knows it gives me hives! It was always my dream, to remarry, until I have had such a successful single career of owning a business, a home and raising two amazing children, not to mention a healthy group of male and female friends. I love my life but do realize that I should want someone to add to it……eventually….. and now I have your insightful thoughts to ponder. I can accept that there’s nothing wrong with loving my life and independence, and I guess I will try to roll with the changes as they come. Like Lane said, I’m sure some day I will want exactly this!

    #835898 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    100% what Elvira said. First of all, 6 months is not long at all so I think it’s too soon to be thinking about a long-term future. I’m in my mid-40s and have been with my bf for 3 years, and we are just getting to the point where we can truly see ourselves together for long term (as in marriage and living together). Just last night my boyfriend made a sweet comment about us being together forever. But it’s taken time for us to get to this point. So I would not rush anything.

    And yes, you get to define your own relationship! As long as there is good communication and you are both on the same page. There are plenty of people in committed, long term relationships who do not live together. Or who take their time getting to that point (don’t feel you have to reach any relationship milestones by a certain deadline). Your relationship is yours (you and your partner’s), to do whatever you want with, as long as both people agree and are happy with the arrangement.

    Am I reading it right that he has been widowed for 1 year? And you’ve been together 6 months? So you started dating 6 months after he was widowed? Sorry, I was just confused by your post. If that’s the case I would advise extra caution in taking things slow. A guy who is fresh out of a marriage (divorced or widowed) needs time to truly process the loss of that relationship. So it’s extra important not to rush things. Just wanted to throw that in there.

    #835899 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Oh sorry, I think you said he was widowed 6 years ago! I re-read your post and I think I understand now. So never mind the last part of my post :-)

    #835905 Reply
    AnneMarie

    Hi Liz! Yes, he was widowed 7 years ago, and we dated one year after that. I was single three years after my husband died before I even thought of dating again! But men don’t like to be alone, like us strong a$$ women! Now he is 7 years as a widow, has dated others after me, and he is certain this is it, no that we are back together. I’m not saying he’s wrong, I’d be lucky to have a man like him! It’s just me doubting my ability to compromise and be a good partner, because he deserves the best! The affirmations of my hesitation help so much because my desire to be/live alone is in no way shape or form a reflection of him. A true case of it’s not you it’s me! Thanks for your thoughtful advice, and for dissecting my ranting so it made sense!

    #835910 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    It’s great you’re being so thoughtful about this. I feel like the beauty of middle-aged love (as you put it, LOL) is that we have experience and wisdom behind us, but more freedom to do as we please before us. Speaking from my own experience, my bf and I are both divorced and have a child each from our marriages (we’re done with having kids)– so there is no pressure (biologically speaking) for kids, no social pressure from parents to get married if we don’t want to, we are both financially very stable and independent so there is no financial pressure– I think we truly feel free to make whatever decisions we like about our relationship, without pressures from biology or finances or society, if that makes sense. So my current relationship feels really nice to me because every choice we make is truly based on how we feel about each other, with nothing outside influencing us. Does that make sense? So I think it’s really great, and healthy, that you are taking the time to think this over and be true to yourself and how you feel. That’s the way it should be, ideally :-)

    #835920 Reply
    mama

    I’m in my 50s too and was on my own for 20 years, raising a kid and doing my own thing. I didn’t date for a long time (by choice) and when I finally did, it wasn’t because I needed someone, it was because I wanted someone. I loved living on my own, not having anyone to answer to, etc. So I definitely understand your dilemma. You are not being selfish wanting to still be on your own. (I now live with my guy who is also in his 50s). Maybe you’re just not there yet when it comes to wanting to live with him.

    I haven’t read through all the comments yet but as to your question of whether it’s worth it, I know in my experience that it definitely is worth it. The art of compromise, of being part of a team, working out mutual respect as well as setting goals to achieve together is wonderful. But you honestly have to be mentally ready for it. It doesn’t sound like you are quite there yet. I think being clear and forthright with your partner in terms of where you are now mentally and emotionally, how much time you think you need before making a big step like living together, and a request for him to work with you on this are all normal parts of discussions like living together or even getting married again.

    I will say though, that the independent spirit is sometimes just who we are. It’s not selfish or one-sided. When I was little, instead of dreaming of getting married and living with my soulmate forever, I used to dream about finding the perfect guy, then having each of us build houses next to each other so we could live apart but still be together when we wanted to. That was just how I thought life should be. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    If you want to continue moving forward with this guy, do so at your own pace, but work with him on how to do it together. 6 months is not that long and this isn’t a race. ;)

    #835941 Reply
    Newbie

    Hmmmmm. Rollercoaster guys are the worst and find their way in at our worst times so good for you he is gone. I think you are perfectly capable of finding out what is right. And part of that is that i do hope you didnt swing to the other side to mr dependable as a rebound from rollercoaster guy. Give it some time to figure it out

    #835947 Reply
    Ss

    I hear you and feel you! I’ve been with my bf for 7 months now and it’s a LDR so we are beginning to talk about to bridge the gap… moving in together. I’m so conflicted. I love the time we spend together. Because we are long distance we tend to spend a week or so together then a week apart when he has his child and needs to be in his home area and it currently suits me just fine! I love having my space and freedom as much as I love being with him. We get on so well that I don’t find it difficult to spend long periods of time together and with covid restrictions it has meant our time is very much together as we can’t really go out and can’t see our friends as much as usual so it’s very domesticated and honestly whilst its not a hell no to us being together properly, its far too soon for me and the idea of giving up my independence freaks me out.

    I love having alone time and being a bit selfish in doing what I want without having to consider someone else’s needs. We both have our own separate interests and friends and are chill about having time apart etc so I think I’ll be able to make the compromises I will need to when we get to the point of moving in together but I know I’ll feel a bit sad to lose that level of independence I currently enjoy.

    It sounds like you have a great man there so continue to enjoy it and grow together.

    I’m mildly concerned that I have to now see myself as middle aged now I’m 40 though!

    #836052 Reply
    AnneMarie

    @Newbie, good point, and probably some truth to it. I’ll definitely keep that in mind! And SS, yes, although he talks about it, there is absolutely no pressure from him at all. Luckily, we both still have one in college so that should slow down the process a little! And I didn’t consider myself middle-aged until I wrote this post, so you have a few years!!!

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