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- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
mama.
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Emma
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. We connect well physically and intellectually but what I’m finding difficulty in, is getting to know eachother on a deeper level. He struggles with anxiety and depression, and I’m very understanding and always around to help him through anything and give him space when he looks like he needs it. But he is unable to comfort me back. Whenever I’m upset about anything all i get is an “I’m sorry to hear that”…no advice or actual consolation. Am I expecting too much? Does the connection come over time? Or am i asking something from him he doesn’t know how to deliver. If I say how I feel to him, it’s often met with a lot of judgement or immaturity so I’m lost as to what to do. I’m pretty rational about stuff like this so is this fixable?
Raven
What are your ages?
You say, ‘If I say how I feel to him, it’s often met with a lot of judgement or immaturity… ‘ Can you share an example?
mama
It’s really tough finding a balance between accepting those we love as they are and getting our needs met.
It could be fixable. It could also be just how he “is”.
For example, myself: it took a long time for me to acknowledge and realize I lived with a somewhat unempathetic attitude towards other’s challenges. In my mind it was okay if other people showed SOME vulnerability, but if they showed too much, then I took more of a “suck it up” attitude. This was how I was raised. But then I realized (with a lot of therapy and some heartbreaking relationships) that a little tenderness towards someone I love does way more for them and their situation than drawing a cold, hard line. It took me a while to get there and while I will always have that “suck it up” attitude milling around in my personality, I also understand not everyone is like me and need different things. And I’ve had enough therapy and maturation to understand I don’t lose a thing by giving those I love what they need (within reason). That learning came with a cost though — I lost a few decent men with my hard lines.
So try talking to him to see where he’s at. He may not realize what he’s doing or he may be aware and not ready to give you what you need. Which means you should move on to find someone who’s needs and personality better complement yours. You might end up doing him a favor in the long run. ;)
Good luck!
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