Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Mixed feelings with ex
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Irene
Hi guys,
I posted here about a month ago.
My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. We dated for 2 years.
We both didn’t contact each other until he msged me last month to see how I’m doing and said he missed me. I didn’t respond back to him.
He reached out again this week and asked if we could go for a walk for a catch up. I agreed and we met up today.
It was a nice catch up as both of us were curious as to what we’ve been up to these days.
Obviously the main question came up. He wanted to know if we can try dating again. He said he will give me time to think about it and he will fully respect my decision if I choose to not wanting to try again.
I’ve been rehearsing for this scene for so long. I keep telling myself that the answer will be ‘no, I do not want to get back’ but obviously I didn’t say it in the end. I still love this guy.
We broke up because I felt he was going distant towards me and I didn’t want to invest if he is no longer interested.
Background story was he moved in with me for about 9 months and to him it got too much, too committed. He now realized that he need to mature up and made a mistake.
He was definitely committed in our relationship but I guess out of all his past relationships our one is the more serious one so it got to him a bit full on. He never moved in with anyone in his previous relationships.
I told him my concern is what if 2 years later if he feels it’s too much again and we might break up bc he can’t handle it. I told him I’m not convinced yet.
I need to see some actions to be convinced but I don’t know how he can prove it?
Should I give it another go and see if this will work again. I understand this will be decision at the end of the day. Just a bit lost now.
Newbie
What was the title of your other post and in what section you posted it. I can sort of recall some outlines but more specific details in this case would be nice as this comes down to details. If i remember richt at first he just approached you and now you took it a step further. How serious is he in wanting to try again? How clear is it to him he made a mistake?
And: how badly do you want him back? You felt he was distant and when you broke up he didnt put up much of a fight. He sounds a bit like a dud to me honestly.
I think you weigh this and if you decide to try you give it max 6 months to see you can get to version 2.0. And you deserve an answer on the question what happens next time he feels overwhelmed.
But overall there is too little information about the relationship to see if its really worth going back to.Elvira
Hi Irene
Your last post stated you and he didn’t have a lot in common and that was his reason for breaking things off. Honestly 3 months isn’t a long time to be apart and grow but I do think its enough time to know that you miss someone. I would suggest that you have a conversation with him and ask what will be different this time around…explore each others interests and maybe discover things you didn’t do before…what are you looking for as far as a future together? Sometimes we get complacent and forget that the other person is still getting to know you every day. If you want to try a 2nd time around I would definitely suggest it so you don’t regret not doing it later, as long as you know and understand that you need to get what you want from this relationship not just him. With that I would also say that communication is key whenever one of you feels something is not working then talk about it. I would also recommend not living together until your sure your ready for the next step…whether that be marriage or moving in once you feel he is secure. Nothing in life is a guarantee not even marriage but as long as your happy and respect each other then giving it a 2nd chance is totally on you.T from NY
I think advice given is really fantastic. Taking it slow, having him court you, asking him what HE needs as well, possibly exploring your relationship with a counselor (there’s lots of virtual therapy online now) as well as talking about what EACH of you wants for a future. He does have to earn your trust back because it’s not fair to you going forward, wondering if he might leave again for similar reasons. I mean – no relationship has a guarantee – but he needs to speak to you and show you the ways he’s resolved what led to THIS break up.
Also I think it’s important for you to consider – with the space you’ve had – did you get to a place where you were happy and can see a life without this guy? Don’t minimize those feelings if you had them. Take time to consider what’s best for you before jumping in again. I wish you best of luck
Irene
Thanks so much for the advice guys.
I will take my time to get back to him and will definitely ask him those questions that’s mentioned above.
Sorry Newbie, I can’t find the original post, the title was ‘did I do the right thing’
I did ask him how is he going to prove to me this time around? He said that he didn’t want to ruin the surprise but because he can see that I need an answer he said he would like to propose to me to show his commitment. Once again that’s of course is just the talk for the time being.
I do want to try again but will be scared and I think my friends and my family might be disappointed with my decision.
This 3 months of no contact I have been coping well, I am happy somewhat but I will always think ‘if we’re still together we can try this place out’ etc. I miss the activities that we use to do together, even just a short walk around the neighborhood was nice to me.
Newbie
I found the old post. There is also another similar one where the guy started to date and ask for shared activities like working out right after the break up. But im not sure thats a follow up from your story.
You need to do a couple of things. Forget about friends and family. Then figure out why you want this guy back. Is it for legitimate reasons or your ego wants to or youre afraid to be alone etc. Or deepdown you know you care more about him than vice versa. From what i can tell technically you may have pulled the plug but he wasnt showing any signs of interest anymore stating the two of you are so different. Fuzzy reason like liz lemon said on that post. Im not impressed with how he showed up again. It needs way more talk to figure out if its worth it and his response its a surprise hinting at proposal is downright ridiculous. I know it doesnt sound very romantic from me, but getting married is not that hard. Its staying married that is the hard part. You said in your other post you were helping him cope with his finances. That right there makes things unbalanced. For both of you. So i dont think taking this guy back atm is a good idea. Why would you? Why not heal and find another guy later on. Well im not saying you should, but at least keep the option or like i said before put i limited amount of time in trying again so its not another two years where he slowly wanders off in his head -
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