Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Mixed Signals
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Emma
Hello.. why is dating so difficult!!
Context – took about 6 months off to work on myself and the anxious attachment style I had adopted from previous ghostings and narcissistic relationships. Entered the dating pool in January and had a bit of trial and error – we’re all learning.
Anyway end of Feb, along comes Henry, 33 (yesterday) and works as head of finance – he loves his job. Been dating, having fun, intimate and have spoken about what we are looking for.
Now the last time we saw each other was 2 weeks ago, we were out for dinner and it started to rain. He had cycled to mine and I asked if he was expecting to stay the night – he politely replied saying I hoped you would ask but it’s okay I’ll get a cab. I then proceeded to say he could stay however we had been sleeping together a while and I mentioned I wouldn’t be comfortable if he was sleeping around, knowing I wasn’t. He seemed a little taken aback but said he wasn’t so we carried on our night and had a good time.
THEN texting back turned into hours then days – I asked his weekend plans and he was ‘busy’ (brothers engagement which I knew and too soon to be invited to). However, no plan for a further date.
When he replies he is his enthusiast self and blames work – it was his birthday yesterday and being polite sent a nice message to which he responded asking how my time with my family was..
I’m writing here because I’m really confused and feel my anxious attachment coming up – I know texting has no tone and isn’t a good form of comms but my question is:
Do I leave him on read for a few days? Show I’m not so easily available.. I want to reply and tell him all about the wedding I was at and if he’s up for celebrating when I’m back in the city but I’ll be honest I’m scared.
Also, is this a typical guy getting scared off when asked a mature question ie I’m protecting myself sexually.
Any thoughts or advice would be great – I’m not looking to play games just a little direction.
Thank you x
Natz
You haven’t made any mistakes on Henry in my opinion. It’s good to ask about exclusivity. However, I feel that he might be dating others at the moment and have not yet come to a decision if he wants to date and sleep with you exclusively. Or he might be really into you and he’s hesitant at the moment to decide how serious he wants to be. He might say something like, “he’s just going with the flow” if you ask him about it again. It does not necessarily mean he’s wasting your time. I would text and see him as normal but would hold off on sex until you guys can put things in the clear. Just tell him you just want to know if he’s seeing others that’s all, but only tell him when you meet in person again.
Emma
Thanks for replying Natz!
I’ve not thought about it that way. I do feel he would have closed it off if he knew if feelings.
I’m thinking of replying to him saying I’m having a great time at home and that we should catch up when I’m back.
Leaves the ball in his court and if it’s meant to be it will. If not I’ll know and have learned something
Tallspicy
You did nothing wrong, but I suggest you stop contacting him. I think this is most likely over as pulling back at this point either indicates he is thinking it over and wants to move forward or might be done. Either way, let him lead. I suggest before exclusivity let men do most of the work and only initiate if they are very consistent… their 3 times to your one. You have now reached out twice to a luke warm response with no mention of seeing you. There is no harm to suggesting one more date like you suggested…. Worst to worst is he doesn’t respond or it is your last date.
However one thing for next man. You tell men before you have sex that you expect exclusivity, not after. That you are looking for a relationship. That you enjoy your time together and you are really attracted to them, but that sex is for growing relationships for you and you will decide together when being exclusive and that you won’t be with someone knowing they will be on the sites the next day.
Maddie
Generally agree with Tallspicy.
What had he said in the past when you “spoke about what you were both looking for”?
Gaia
I agree with everything Tallspicy said.
Personally, it sounds like you have dated for 6 weeks and once exclusivity was discussed he has dipped out. This is why that talk should be had before sex is involved. This way you know if you are both looking for the same type of relationship.
I would pull way back and let him contact you. But don’t wait around for him. Go on other dates, go out with friends, enjoy living your life. If he contacts you great, if not, you’ll be so busy you won’t even notice.
Liz Lemon
Two weeks is a long time not to see someone you’ve been dating for a couple of months, in my opinion, when there’s no extenuating circumstances like traveling out of town for that entire time. Guys always use the “busy at work” excuse when they want to pull away. If things are progressing, you should be escalating the amount of contact you have. This guy is pulling back and it doesn’t bode well.
I agree with what the other posters have said. Generally guys decide by about 3 months whether they see a long term future with a woman. Maybe your remark about exclusivity freaked him out. It wasn’t wrong to say it– it had to be said. Honestly when I met my bf, we slept together without discussing exclusivity first, the way you did. I told him afterwards that I wanted to be exclusive and he eagerly agreed- he didn’t freak out or pull away, on the contrary he told me he was glad I brought it up and made it clear he wanted exclusivity with me. So even though I did it the “wrong” way, in the end it didn’t matter because he wanted the same thing I did. I don’t think this guy wants the same thing you do, unfortunately.
Like others have said, I think you should pull back and let him take the lead here. Sending a light text about getting together when he’s back in town is fine, but let him do the heavy lifting. It will become clear what he wants.
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