Mixed signals/ complicated

So you’ve had sex before so I’m guessing you were in some kind of relationship with this guy? I think he wants a FWB and you clearly do not. I would move on because it is a relationship that didn’t work before and it seems like it would be a struggle for it to work again if feelings are not on the same page.

You need to read why men love bitches. Its really helpful.

You shouldn’t be telling him that sex is off the table, your actions should tell him that you are a woman who values herself. By telling him sex is off the menu you are just telling him you are needy and want a relationship. That’s a turn off. He also may see it as a challenge so will pursue and then disappear.

You shouldn’t be initiating anything – how can you gauge his interest if you are? You should not get hung up on this one guy – as a regular poster on here recommends (tall spicy?) You should give zero f%&ks until he is your bf. Until then you both should be playing the field a bit.

You’ve set all your cards out so now he knows you are keen and he will probably be less invested and make less effort since you are presenting as fine with what he is offering.

My advice is step back, enjoy talking to him but other men too. Just relax and observe xx

You should only have sex if it’s what you want. Not what you crave, but what you *want*. It sounds like you don’t want casual sex or FWB because you want to have a relationship. And if that’s the case, you’re right to hold out until you feel that he can give you what you genuinely want. As others have said, you don’t need to make a big deal of it – if he turns talk to sexy stuff you can just change the topic and say you aren’t ready for that right now.

I don’t know how he will take it, given you’ve slept together before.

You say he doesn’t talk much about how he feels, but it souds like things are still early on – I wonder if you are admitting too much too fast. You should mirror what a guy does – none of us want a partner confessing undying love when it’s been like 2 months and we haven’t met them and we like them but we’re nowhere near yet. Even a decent guy who is just getting to know you might not feel ready for how you feel if it’s early on. And in the end, people fall at different times, often a while apart, and people can often admit ‘I love you’ a while apart – but their actions should clue you in.

Until a guy makes you feel really liked and cared for, don’t confide how much you like him. Until you feel truly loved, don’t rush to tell him that you love him. It can take people a while to get there – don’t assume they have until they show you. Sometimes people show it before they are ready to say it (I seem to attract quiet guys who fit this pattern) but in those cases I don’t mind waiting because it’s clear from all their actions that they treat me seriously.

However, if you’re just saying perfecyly appropriate things for where you’re at, like “I really like you” and he can’t stretch to that, then he’s probably just not very interested. A lot depends on what your history is, too. History might be a couple of one night stands or years as partners or FWB. If he’s known you well and for a long time, he should absolutely already know how he feels about you and what he likes about you.

I agree that at the start you should pay careful attention to how interested a guy is, and how much effort he makes. The reason we suggest men initiating first is because girls often get emotionally invested earlier than guys – we have a lot more pressure to be in a relationship and settle down and ‘legitimise’ the sex we want to have. And alot of guys who want to play the field know this and try to use it to their advantage. If a guy wants you, he’ll make the effort. I’ve dated shy nerds who hate meeting new people who still made every effort to message first and freqently even though they aren’t big on messaging or calling, and ask for dates at the end of each date. Even guys who need to take it slow because of past experiences or just being reserved will still make an effort to unequivocally treat you well and make you feel cared for.

By itself, don’t worry about “you’ll find the right one someday.” Is a stupid thing for him to say, but if it’s really early on, it might not be a big deal – until you are exclusive there’s no understanding that you are each other’s ‘one’. I remember feeling hurt when my BF said, once or twice early on “how are you single”, because I didn’t WANT to be single and we hadn’t locked it own, but the guy was just trying to be sweet and picked the wrong words. If it’s a good guy, he might just be trying to reassure you whilst hoping HE’S the right one. But yeah if he’s a douche, then perhaps he already knows he’s not the one.

SS – I found that book pretty useful when younger! I also love the advice to date around. It really helped me when I was online dating because it means you don’t obsess over whether any one man you’ve messaged twice is gonna text back or what it all means – and f it doesn’t work out, there are more cute guys. I feel a lot of why people get so worked up over really early relationships is because they invest so heavily from the start – clutching onto like 2 dates or some sexual tension at work, when really they need to see the world as their oyster until some person proves that they are worth taking themselves off the market.