Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › moved away and now he's not really talking to me
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Amanda.
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Alyssa
My boyfriend just moved over 2,000 miles away from me.. we’re still together as of now. Before he left he spent the last few days with me and was saying it would be okay, he loves me, and he’ll see me soon and we talked about me coming to visit and maybe moving there with him (he’s there until at least the end of the summer for work). He left on Tuesday and he took a bus so he’s still on his way, he’ll be there in a few hours.
So my problem is, he hasn’t been really texting me. We’ll have a little spurt at least once a day where he texts right back and when he does text back, he’s sweet and seems normal. But these little “spurts” last for only about an hour, if that. And then it goes to where he doesn’t text back for hours. I don’t want to be nit picky, or create a problem that doesn’t exist. But I just know that if it continues like this, we won’t make it because I don’t see how we’ll maintain a connection if we barely talk. I’m trying to keep in consideration that he may be going in and out of service, or may be sleeping. But it’s bugging me.. I don’t know if I should talk to him about it to kind of nip it in the bud, or if I should just kind of act nonchalantly about everything and continue with my life. I’m just worried that if I do that, since we’re far away from each other, it’ll just make everything fizzle out. But also, He’s kind of a free-spirited-no-worries type of guy and I can tell he’s gotten annoyed with me when I’ve brought up problems before if what I’m bringing up isn’t that big of a deal. And I also don’t want anything to be a downer on our relationship because when we do text, things are in a happy place. I just don’t know the better way to do this since we’re so far apart.
Jules
I wouldn’t create a problem where there isn’t one. You guys are still in contact everyday. It’s unrealistic to think you’re going to text constantly throughout the day. An hour of texting should definitely be enough.
If you bring this up it will come across as needy and tell him that you can’t handle the distance. If that happens he may break up with you before your fear of things fizzling out even occurs.
Go about your life and enjoy the times you do talk. Distance requires security, show him that you are secure in this relationship.
Alyssa
Thank you so much! That makes a lot of sense and helps a lot.
Teri
how far away is he ……………..wait I see 2,000 miles.
ok how often can you plan on flying/bussing out to see each other during the interim?
is he going to another country? that could be a bit different due to timezones and service availablity. But I agree don’t make something out of nothing. keep things in a good place and don’t trip over the change in texts patter.
you can also set up a skype or facetime with him so its not just texts ya know. there so many ways to ‘stay connected’ in this cyber age we live in.
all the best.
Alyssa
There’s a 2 hour time difference but we’re still both in the US. Today i went 17 hours without hearing from him. Again, the last text he’d sent me was very sweet and loving. But regardless, I’m not really okay with that. I had only texted him twice – once this morning as a reply to the text he sent me and then once in the late afternoon. Finally tonight I was just like, “hellooo? I’d kinda like to hear from you sometime today.” and he responded fairly quickly and said he “had bad service, I love you and miss you so much,” and replied back to me a couple times, then nothing again.
Idk, I really don’t expect constant contact with each other, but we have always talked at least a little bit throughout the day and I kind of expect that to continue. I don’t see a reason for it to stop. Am I wrong?
Ania
Alyssa please stop being needy , he just got into new city – give him time to rest and unpack and find himself in new place . You need to get busy with Your life without him ,
be strong for both of You — dont make it harder for him , be supportive and loving .
Put Your energy in love and dont let “crazy” take over YouMary
Hey Alyssa!
I get you, since I used to be like you. We’d love to talk to our boyfriends like 24/7 and we’d want them to reply as soon as they read the message we’ve just sent them. What I learnt is that this is not how it works. Now he’s away and you feel that your relationship is threatened. Believe me, this is not the case. Just go on with your life, go out with your girlfriends, read a book or watch a new tv series. Wait for your boyfriend to text/call you and enjoy the time you spend together without asking for more. I believe that after some time has passed and he begins to REALLY miss you, since you haven’t seen each other for a while, he’ll start texting you more. Until then be the lovely girlfriend he knows, but don’t be too clingy.
:)Alyssa
Thank you! It’s just so hard not the constantly think about it and what he’s doing and why he’s not replying. But it’s nice to hear from other people that this really isn’t a problem and it’s probably all okay. It helps put my mind at ease. I don’t worry as much about him not wanting to be with me, because I truly don’t feel like that’s the case. I just worry more about him being unfaithful in some way.
Alyssa
It’s been a few days since he’s been there and it hasn’t gotten any better. If anything I feel like we talk even less. I’m kind of worried now that he’s just losing interest in this relationship. We now go most of the day without texting at all. It’s mostly me that reaches out to him, and I’ll text him casually throughout the day. But a couple times I have purposely not texted him first and eventually he does text me. When he IS responding he is still telling me he loves me and misses me a bunch. Saturday I called him on my way home from work and we had a good conversation. He was really upbeat and happy and asking me if I was coming to visit him soon. I felt really good after that and I’ve tried to hold onto that but ever since then we’ve been back to not talking. I asked him to call me last night and he said he tried a few times and it wouldn’t go through, because he says he has bad service where he’s at. Which is possible, I know there’s some rural areas where he’s at. But idk if that’s just his excuse.
I don’t know what to think. I would just keep going on like everything’s okay but I don’t want to be naive. I haven’t brought any of this up to him, and I’ve been very careful to not show him that I’m sweating this. I don’t think he knows I’m upset about it. I just need to know if I’m overreacting or if this is something I really should worry about.
Algo
I would stop texting him first, at least for a while. Let him vome through for a few weeks… If he texts you every day, you’re fine, I Def wouldn’t worry…
Hannah
He has just moved to a new home. He’s been travelling. He has a lot of adjusting to do and he is probably tired and overwhelmed. He also has bad service. I think you’re being a bit unfair here. Stop thinking about your needs for constant texts and start thinking about what he might be going through at the moment. This is a 2 way relationship. It’s not all about you. How much support are you giving him by being an added pressure on an already pressured and stressful time?
Give him a few weeks and he will probably get into some kind of routine with you. But if you keep being the needy girlfriend, you might drive him away.
You have nothing to worry about apart from over-worrying and being too clingy. I understand why you’re worried but just relax. Know he loves you and you will find a happy routine once he gets settled.
Alyssa
That’s the thing though, I’m being careful not to add pressure to him or show him my worries and my neediness right now. I’m trying to let him be. Because I want him to have fun and do what he needs to do without having to worry about his needy girlfriend back home. That’s why I’m spilling my worries here, to hear other opinions on if I really need to worry about him forgetting about me or losing interest. I’ve not expressed ANY of this to him.
Algo
That’s what I do too, I do/say sth, worry that it’s needy, come here and vent and then realise we’re fine and I was just overreacting in the moment. Good way to keep grounded until you get to the right state of mond by yourself.
Alyssa
Exactly! It’s hard because I’m kind of an introvert, so I don’t have a lot of close friends I feel comfortable talking to about it. My best friend is dealing with something going on in his life right now as well, so I don’t want to bother him with all of this. And the only other people I feel comfortable talking to is my mom, who I do talk to a lot but she’s just as lost as I am, and well my boyfriend but that’s the whole issue in the first place lol
Plasebo
U suk xaxaxaxaxaxa
Raven
Why did he move?
Sophie
Hi Alyssa,
Agree with the others that moving and settling into a new city takes some adjustment and is taking up his mental space. The fact you are still hearing from him is good. Just keep monitoring the situation for now.
Like Raven said, why did he move? And what is your plan for long term if you’ll be 2000 miles apart? Is this distance going to be temporary?
Hang in there!
Amanda
This post is almost two years old. WTF some troll decided to bring it up by posting “you suck”? Some people have issues…
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