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amy
In a lot of Eric’s articles, he talks about when in a situation where a guy is not committing, says “he doesnt want a relationship right now”, “not over his ex”, etc. that the best thing to do is full heartedly move on, without any intention of manipulating him into being with you. He suggests not ignoring the guy but also not reaching out to the guy. He says in this situation (when u fully move on in your heart) one of two things will happen: the guy will step up or let you go.
Has anyone ever had a situation where they did this and the guy actually stepped up? How did you move on without completely ignoring the guy?
I’m currently seeing a guy and am realizing I need to move on in my heart; but I dont think it needs to be an event or conversation where I tell him i’m doing so….I also don’t want to be mean to him
Lisa
Hi Amy. You’re are mature to realize that moving on doesn’t have to be an event or conversation. It’s just something you decide in your heart and mind. When you move on and let it go, you don’t care about having a conversation with him. It’s not being mean to him. It’s truly letting go.
Besides, if you do have the conversation or an event with him, he could try to persuade you to do otherwise for the sake of his ego, he can’t stand rejection or not being in control, or he would not appreciate the drama because he just doesn’t care as much as you do. So not having an event would be good for you. If you do have the conversation because you’re hoping he’ll be upset about your leaving and he wants you to stay, imagine how devastated you’ll be when he lets you go by saying ok, it’s over.
You can move on in your heart and mind by not allowing yourself to think of a future anything with him. Future friendship, future talks, future hangouts, future texting. But if he contacts you in the future and you don’t want to ignore him for the sake of being polite, you can be polite in your replies but not encouraging him to take it further. Sometimes, I think polite indifference is the best way to let guys know he no longer means anything to you. Angry responses tell a guy you’re still into him.
To answer your question about whether guys have stepped up after you move on, I’ve had all past guys contact me again. But I ignored them because I didn’t want them for relationships. I think if you’re trying to move on to make him step up, there’s a risk he won’t step up by giving you what you want. Since you’re trying to move on, you’re probably not happy with what he’s giving you now. Yes or no? Or maybe you know he’s not the right man for you?
amy
Thanks for your response Lisa!
In response to your question- I think he’s a great guy, has a good heart. However, he’s been wishy washy about his feelings toward wanting a relationship. His gf broke up with him a little less than a year ago due to the amount of traveling he does/distance between them and he does not appear to be over this. He even admits it still kind of hurts him. While I think he could be a great guy for me, I am not happy with the amount he’s giving. I’m consantly stressing or hopeful he’ll come around. I realized I just need to stop putting myself through this and move on….
amy
I’ve tried to tell myself that if I truly like him, I should just enjoy him and be present when we do hangout, and I do for the most part. Then, when I leave, I just feel unsatisfied with how things are…wishing for more because I know he’s the type of guy who gives more to a gf.
Lisa
Hi Amy. I appreciate how mature and thoughtful you seem to be, and I understand how difficult it is to let go of a good guy who isn’t completely there for you. If he’s wishy washy, but he’s a great guy and he’s broken from a past relationship…. that’s a recipe for years of heartache for you if you wait for him to come around.
I read Eric’s articles and what he said about a guy stepping up because he doesn’t want to lose you. But it’s important to consider what exactly is the guy afraid to lose. Sex? Companionship? A friend? An emotional crutch? The connection? Or the woman he loves and can’t live without?
I think some guys step up just enough when a girl wants to leave because he wants to maintain the status quo. If the status quo was a sort-of-relationship where he wasn’t totally committed but had a girl who was committed to being there for him and giving him companionship and sex, then of course he wouldn’t want to lose that. But when he steps up, a girl must carefully see what sort of improvement he will make. I think most girls want the full commitment which may be more than what he wants.
I wish the best for you Amy as you make your decision :)
Ivy
Amy, So basically in order for you to actually be happy with this man, you would need him to be different, correct? Love needs to be at face value, who they are in the present moment, how they treat you in the present moment, if that isn’t good enough, then envisioning some relationship where he treats you the way you want him to and then you are happy, is basically all a fantasy.
Wishy washy doesn’t feel good to a woman, when a woman accepts this it can truly eat at her self-esteem, even a confident woman. When you accept treatment that is less than you know you deserve and which doesn’t make you truly happy then you will start to become emotionally unbalanced. It’s difficult when you develop feelings for a man and they are not reciprocated, but relationships should have some kind of flow to them, a natural progression helped along with communication, bumps are always in the road, not talking fairytale here, but wishy washy makes a girl get unhappy wishy washy and that’s no way to live.
I hope you find a way to truly move on in your heart, sometimes you have to take the step even before your heart is there. Move on with your head, and your heart will follow. :)
Lisa
I just read your latest post. I know what you mean about feeling unsatisfied. Yes, being present and happy in the company of your man is very important, but if you want a commitment and he doesn’t (or isn’t being clear about it), then of course you’d feel unsatisfied.
You’re right about moving on. You’re smart in realizing that you can’t force a guy to give more by asking or nagging or complaining. And being present and happy in his company doesn’t necessarily compel a guy to step it up if he has no desire to commit. In this situation, I’d feel stuck. I never ask a guy to give me more and I’m happy and present in his company. But if I feel unsatisfied, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long you two have been dating. If it hasn’t been that long, then maybe he hasn’t had enough time to decide if you’re the one. I don’t know.
Harley
I think perhaps he is not over the ex.
I’d.. move on. His behaviour IS wishy washy and you don’t sound happy.
amy
Lisa, you brought to light a really great point about considering what it is the man would be afraid to lose…in this case I’m not sure really,probably the possibility of a relationship with someone he likes, a friend, sex, companion…but certainly not a girl he loves and can’t live without unfortunately. I appreciate your support and insight a lot.
Ivy, thanks for responding…. I’ve been conflicted about why I feel this need for him to give more…I love who he is as a person and we have fun together. I tell myself that if I’m a happy person and satisfied with my life, why would I need him to GIVE anymore? I appreciate your point about accepting treament that feels less than I deserve…I think that’s really the problem for me…
amy
lisa, we met in June. Although this was months ago, he’s traveled for weeks at a time, including a whole month in August. It is feeling like he’s had more than enough face time with me though to decide how he feels.
Lisa
Hi again Amy. Some women on this forum will say over and over that a guy knows if you’re the one within X number of months. But I don’t know about that being a hard fast rule. But the most important gauge for you is that if you feel he’s had a enough quality time to get to know you and you feel in your heart that he doesn’t want to commit to you, then you’re right. It’s time for you to move on. Keep being mature about it. It seems like you’re handling this situation very well :)
amy
Thank you Lisa :) I’m trying. I’m so afraid of walking away from something that could be great. Appreciate your input!
Lisa
Don’t be afraid Amy! If it could be great, then he will have to make it happen. Not you, since he’s the one with the commitment issues. He knows what you want and where you are. If he’s ready to step up, he will. But please don’t wait around for him. If you wait, then you might be disappoint if he never comes back and you might close yourself off to another man who could be great to you! Good luck Amy.
Betty
OMG Amy, I know exactly how you feel. That feeling when you are with him and then the feeling when you leave (even if he keeps being super sweet when you are not together you know something is not right or is missing).
After one year of dealing with exact the same situation, I walked away. It’s been a month and I still have that feeling maybe everything could have been great.
Keep us posted how it is going. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and a lot of us are going through something similar.
amy
Thank you ladies!!
Betty, sorry to hear you are going through something simliar…it is not a great feeling :) I will most certainly keep you posted and probably be back on here for a bit of support/advice when I hear from him. Per usual, he will probably text at some point before the week is over to see me.
Be
How long have you been seeing him?
Betty
Oh you said you met him in Jun. Did he stay in touch with you while away for a month in August?
I started dating my guy in Jun and he was away for a month vacation in August. :)amy
We met in June and hes been out of town a lot for work.
To give you a more specific idea….We had some great dates mid/end of June. Then both of us were out of town for three weeks. More dates upon return. Then he was out of town for a month. A date upon his return and then he was out of town for another week. And so on. I’m sure this has complicated things….
amy
He did stay in touch during the month he was away (not very frequently, but he did) and made plans to see me the night of his return. He brought me back a small gift as well which was sweet.
Betty
Please don’t take this wrong way or find it weird (creepy ;)). My guy called me the evening he came back (from the airport) and wanted to see me but I refused. Saw him few days later and he brought me a small gift that I still have around my neck.
I just feel the need to share this.amy
hahaha wow the timing we share is extremely coincidental….strange (let’s hope its not the same guy haha)
sounds like these are both great guys who just simply are not in the same place (no pun intended) as us right now
Betty
Just mine was a year ago. This summer he was away in July, kept it touch every day but no presents this time. ;)
Amy
Well, i saw him two weeks ago. Heard nothing since and i did not initiate either. I have been trying my best to get busy and move on. Tonight (10:30 on a Friday night) he texts to see what i’m up to tonight. I’m angry. Obviously we are over, but to receive a text that is nothing but a booty call hurts and makes our time spent tainted.
Betty
Did you reply to his text?
Amy
No, I didn’t. I felt it a response wasn’t needed- I imagine he was texting to see if I wanted to come over (and at this hour it would be to have sex and go to sleep). He went two weeks no contact without any explanation and did not care enough to see me to make plans. It seems he’s just feeling lonely tonight. I just feel sad that two people that shared things with eachother (things we don’t just tell to anyone) could be chalked up to wanting sex on a friday night.
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