moving on

Amy, I’m going through this right now. Met a great guy, all going well after 4 months. Absolutely the man of my dreams. Then he starts backing off, after we’ve taken what I thought was a really fun week long trip together. We had spent weekends together before and that always went well, and we’d traveled short distances for a weekend away. He says he needs space, I say OK, enjoy your time in the man cave (I was being funny and light, not sarcastic and he knows this) and I’ll be here when you get out. But he kept backing off further and further – then cancelled out on a trip we were going to take and I freaked. Wrote an email I should not have. He asked to meet up and I told him if it was to break up, he had already done it with his behavior. Bad idea and I have learnt my lesson about email! Long story short, we met at his request, he was mortified at what he’d done to hurt me. I told him, you did not hurt me, I hurt myself with the stories I was telling myself in absence of information. We had a good evening out and he stayed over. My sense is there is something going on with him not about me at all, and per Eric on this site, men want to be left alone to deal with their stuff, not us all over them. He emailed, thanks for being so kind to me, and I said, you know I want you to be happy and be your true self. Take all the time you need, I will leave it to you to ask to see me when you are ready. I meant it, it was not a ploy or a game.

That was two weeks ago. He emails faithfully every other day. Still called me pet names and signs with lots of love. I do not initiate any contact, only respond when he emails me, and don’t blather on, keep it short like his are. (He’s not much of a text guy and rarely called before, so I just get email.)

Now, I can torture myself about what is going on with him, or I can just continue doing what I did before he showed up in my life – do what I like to to and enjoy myself. My choice is enjoy myself and not worry about what’s happening on with him, other than the occasional thought of “God bless you S, wherever you are and I hope you are well and thriving.”

We have choices. I control my thoughts. Do I want to go with a thought that takes me “north” or a thought that takes me “south”?? I’m riding the north bound train, girls! I want to feel good!! So I choose thoughts that feel good and if one pops up that doesn’t feel good, I realize that it’s just old fear and I drop it, quick. This is a practiced pattern. Here’s a good pivot phrase – “wouldn’t it be great if…” and start a story about something that feels good to me.

S will come forward or not – I do want him to be happy. I also want to be happy, with someone who is a good match for me. If he’s a good match, he will come forward. If not, he will fade away and I will still be happy because I loved my time with him, it’s taken me into ready to date and love again and this is a good thing. I will be grateful if he stays or goes, so I’m not attached now to the outcome. And if he goes, I will certainly be a bit sad but I will meet other nice men. I know I”m worth a lot and I’m not going to settle. Did that in my first marriage.

Thoughts are energy. They feel it if we are the clingy type, even if we aren’t actively calling. You don’t have to lay it on thick about all that you’re doing and you don’t have to tell him you’re moving on. You just do it. And you don’t have to sign up for everything going in a frantic rush to fill your time. Ask yourself, what do people with high self esteem and confidence do? Then do that. Guaranteed way to build yours up.

If he keeps up emailing with no other contact, eventually I will be the one doing the ghosting. But I’ll deal with that if it becomes necessary down the line. I trust myself to know what to do. There is a lot of good advice on this site from Eric and Sabrina and it’s helped me get to this wonderfully centered place. Read their Q&A posts and their blogs and you’ll find a lot of practical tips. I’m really glad I stumbled on this site when I was googling for information to help me deal with this situation.

I hope this helps you. :)

Thanks Betty. To clarify, he disappeared for 4 days after the trip. This was not entirely abnormal as when he goes to visit with his mother or his son for the weekend, I may not hear from him, which doesn’t trouble me, it’s only 2 days. I don’t need daily contact to feel secure in a relationship. Once I emailed and determined he was OK, he then resumed email contact every other day.

He’s a great guy, never been treated so well. He may or may not be into a full on relationship with anyone, he’s been divorced for a long time and admits that he has dated some but always hits a wall. I now take the attitude of, well, you know I”m normal, sane and responsible for my own happiness after 4 months of dating me. If you want to block me with “I’m afraid of being hurt” then that is how you protect yourself, and you’re going to be on your own the rest of your life… which, if that is what you really want, is perfectly OK. If you want me, you’re going to have to up your game. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Men value this more than love and if you call them on disrespecting you in a matter-of-fact way, miracles happen. They respond to this.

Ha .auto text on your name ! Sorry

I have a book to recommend: Difficult Conversations. It has really helped me deal with my current BF situation and also everything else in my life. Check it out.

Amy, when you don’t need anyone to see you are wonderful, when it is enough for you that you know that you are… that’s when things change and life gets really good and the brilliant guy shows up. We don’t have to earn approval or love, we are giving it to ourselves and that’s when we are truly in command of our lives. I just really got that this week. A game changer.

I will get over it though. Stefanie, you have it figured out and I’m glad you realize things will always work out

Hey ladies…how many of you purchased Eric and Sabrina’s book? Was it worth it? Is it in PDF only? $50? Any link to purchase it?

Amy…I am trying my best to move on from someone also who does not want a relationship. It’s very difficult anything that might help would be appreciated. I’ve read a lot of the articles here and am interested in the book at this point.

Also, Stephanie…I have read “difficult conversations” and I highly recommend it as well:)

Thanks, Stephanie! Would you mind giving me link to book? Is it only available in PDF?

And I agree with you…there are great men out there looking for a great woman. It’s a bid sad when something awful takes place and you are wondering what if? That’s my situation but I’m slowly letting go and moving forward. Any resources could only help my progress and so I am open to it:)

Right now, I’m in a much better place and more luck my normal self. Calm, collected, fun and beautiful to as the icing on the cake!

I mean the link you purchased it from*. Sorry, typing on my cell. And thank a again!

i would not reply.

he could be regretting the late night text. he could not.

It’s only been 2 days.

I’d wait it out.. show him you don’t DO late night texts.

Hi Amy, the answer to your questions is usually not, but there’s always the exception to the rule. A man normally doesn’t express he’s not looking for a relationship unless he means it, whereas there are a few variables that makes a guy step up: 1) He’s emotionally available; 2) hes’ willing to lose his freedom for a lady; and above all: 3) fears losing you to another man [key ingredient].

In my experience a man has to want you more than you want him for a relationship to last which is why I established a 6 month benchmark as to whether a relationship is viable or not. For instance, if he doesn’t continue to step up and I’m not satisfied before the 6 month benchmark then its best to end it because this is a good picture of what the relationship will look like down the road. However if things are going well then I put another 6 month benchmark on it after the first because its impossible to really get to KNOW someone unless you spend time together in a variety of situations—some men show their spots earlier than others.

I’ve been in an FWB for over a year which I WANTED because I don’t like all the heaviness of a real relationship (in each others pockets so to speak). I’ve remained in it because he’s consistent, a man of his word, we get along really well, treats me like a lady, LOVES doing things for me that a BF would (fixes my car, does house repairs, initiates contact 95% and takes me out 1 – 2 times a week) and often tells me “I like pleasing you”. I technically have all the benefits of a BF without actually having one because I date other guys and maintain my independence too—its calm, easy and best of both worlds :-)

So in a nutshell, if you like what you have with him then don’t ruin it with a relationship—just enjoy the time he can spare (if you can remove the emotional aspect of it) while dating others who ARE READY if that’s what you really want. Trust me, if you did enter into a relationship with him the dynamics will change, your head will start over analyzing him (what he’s thinking, saying or doing) and your insecurities will start coming out especially with him travelling so much. Even if he DID change his mind, unless you’re super strong, confident, independent and can fully trust him 100%, then being with a man who travels a lot will put an additional strain on you (and him which is why he probably doesn’t want a relationship).