moving on

Hi Amy,

Then I would let him go. Again, if you aren’t satisfied then its time to end it and move on pronto because it simply isn’t worth the angst you’re feeling. I would tell him “good bye” and try not to get into this scenario again if you’re wanting a real relationship. Again, if my FWB started acting this way he’s GONE because I don’t waste my time or energy on men who aren’t putting any in—gotta always maintain your self-respect, worth and value :-)

Thanks, Lane. I dont know that I necesarily want an exclusive relationship at this point in my life, but I do know that his current behavior doesn’t make me happy. I was ok with how he was in the beginning and not so much anymore.

Amy if that’s what he said, this was never anything real or all that special. A guy who is interested in you doesn’t just taking other dating opportunities when they arise…. that’s just a statement of laziness AND non-commitment. He told you with that he was just passing time with you – he was not all that “blown away” . Again, don’t pay so much attention to what they say; it’s what they do.

The mistake you made was sticking around after that if you knew you wanted something more. If you were only in date-around mode like he was, then fine. Then this one just didn’t go anywhere.

There is a great piece on the site that either Eric or Sabrina wrote. When he says he doesn’t want a relationship… he doesn’t want a relationship with YOU.

There. It’s out there. Now. SO WHAT?!?! BFD. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. He doesn’t see it as a match for whatever reason. Move on.

I’m of the mind there is no such thing as rejection. A good match is two way. If it’s not the right thing in one person’s eyes, then that’s the way it is. Rejection is a story we tell ourselves. Stop putting yourself through it.

Amy.. I think you are falling into the trap a lot of us do.. you REMEMBER the good things/how things WERE and forget how HE IS ACTING NOW ! The honeymoon period is over.. this is the real him.

Let him go.

Thanks ladies. I have definitely made up my mind that i want to move on from this guy- but I know thatiw ll take a little time.

He texted last friday and i never responded, as it was late.

He texted just now and asked hows it going? do i just play it cool and respond with friendly/polite indifference? and if he asks to see me, make up an excuse?

Yes, it will definitely set me back at this point. Typically, once I’ve moved on from a guy in my heart, I’m great at being friends with them. Right now though, I’m emotionally attatched to him and I know if he sees me he’ll be expecting sex, which can’t happen right now. I need more time apart from him.

Regardless, its 8 pm here and I am pretty settled in for the night as I have work tomorrow and am not up for hanging out with anyone. So it woudlnt even be personal to him.

Because otherwise, if an unkown number texts me, i’ll ask “who is this?” haha. Plus i trust myself not to text him or call him

Hi Amy! I know exactly how you feel. I have been there myself, with a guy who is a great guy and so romantic in everything he did or said, in his frequent texts and all that but as you do feel, he wasn’t ready to commit to me. He was being hot and cold even though when we were together it was great. It just didn’t feel like he would ever commit. You are right about moving on in your heart and mind, even though I think moving on in your mind is the first step cause then your heart will follow. I am trying to do the same thing. Like you, I don’t wanna have any conversation with him of such thing or discuss about it, but just let go and have no expectation of a future together.When that little voice inside of you tells you that you should move on and that he will never commit and that you deserve better then you should pay attention to it. I think in our situations these guys are not afraid of losing the love of their lives cause apparently it doesn’t feel that way to them cause if it felt like that they wouldn’t act this way. Anyway, I pray that you’ll get over this and move on as hard as it is and I say the same thing to myself. I met this guy in June as well. I see you’re mature and strong enough so you gonna make it. :)

Thank you ladies for responding…

As an update, I began to move on and he contacted me a few more times. He initiated a conversation with me where we were both pretty honest about our feelings, although everything he told me I already knew. I had sensed he was not over his ex and feeling conflicted and how emotionally closed off he was. In the end, he basically told me that he feels he has some emotional homework to do, and that he is unable to do this while being invovled with someone. He acknowledged that he likes to be a giving bf, and doesnt feel he is in a position to do that with me. He told me that if he still had a chance he would like a friendship with me at some point but that when we do he wanted it to be respectul to me and he wants to be emotionally available. He’s experienced a lot of loss in his life, and while hes a really positive person, it seems the break up with his ex took quite a toll on him.

Regardless- following your gut in these situations is usually the right thing to do. if something feels off, then it is.

Thanks Carrie :) It’s been a little over a month since we sort of broke things off and of course tonight he texts me about something random (thanking me for introducing him to a certain music artist, that he’d been listening a lot recently)

I thought it would be much longer til he got back in touch. Idk what to do

Amy, it sounds like you are moving forward well and I’m happy for you. I think it’s great you two had a mature conversation. I give him credit for being honest and clear with you about what he can and can’t do.

The thing is, when you really let go and shut off, they feel it energetically and it freaks them out. So they move to close the distance. They don’t want you too close but they don’t want you too far either. If you ask me… I think texting as he is doing is a form of e-tethering. He’s keeping it going and hence blocking you from really moving on so you are there when he’s ready. This is not malicious on his part in this case from the sound of it.

My advice is, and you need to think about this and decide if it’s right for you and you are ready to do it, text or call and let him know that while you appreciate him thinking of you, it would be best if there were absolutely no contact for a while until the dust settles. The reason for this is, it upsets you to keep hearing from him and keeps you off guard and somewhere inside you if you’re honest it keeps alive the hope there could be something. This is not good for you. Also, it’s not good for him because to really address and clear his issues, he’s got to do without you, so as long as he keeps the connection to you, it alllows him to avoid dealing with himself.

I last saw my ex 2 weeks ago and it was clear things had changed. It was also clear he was not going to ask to see me over the holidays. I walked away from that lunch knowing that I was done. I didn’t think I’d hear from him again. All the girls on the site told me otherwise. Sure enough, it only took 72 hours before I had a sweet email wishing me a good trip to the US (I was in Miami last week on business). I gave a short mirrored reply 2 days after he sent it. Now, I will not be initiating any further contact and for me it’s over. If there is a new chapter someday, well I’ll consider that IF it comes up. Thing is, I’m a different person entirely since I met him last May. I got stronger in October and November when he was sitting in his man cave and thanks to what I’ve learnt form being on the site I now only invest in a man once I’ve seen he’s met my standards and is investing in me first. This wasn’t a long relationship so I feel like I’ve come out pretty unscathed. Wherever he is and whatever he’s doing I wish him nothing but the best. I’m glad he was here, he contributed a lot to my growth and showed me what an openly affectionate man was like. Yay! NEXT!! :)

But I digress, this about you. He won’t really and truly miss you until he knows what it’s like to have no access. A lot of girls make the mistake of thinking that he will forget you if you go away entirely. NO. They don’t work like that. It will make them miss you more… or they will move on, which they would do anyway if you weren’t allowing them to keep a line open to you.

Make sense? Take that on board and do what you think is right. And ask for more help if you want. I’m going to post a lot less now but this thread I will keep an eye on because you seem to truly want our opinions and benefit from them. best wishes, Stefanie

I was just wondering, when he told you he wanted to date others and that you were not completely compatible, did it come from him spontaneusly or was it you who asked specifically and which question did you ask?