My Best Friend is having a birthday getaway celebration and I’m not invited

Hi Madi, thank you for your response. I did mention to her taking her out for dinner when she got back and I guess I didn’t make It clear in my post but it’s not just her and her boyfriends going. It’s one or two other couples. If it was just the two of them it would be a non-issue for me.

Hi Karina, absolutely I told her as much. It’s a given I am single have been for a long time and its not the first time I am the third wheel, it happens. I am used to it and she knows that because most of the time she is the one I hang out with. I think my concern is that now that she is in a relationship she might feel she has more in common with other women who are also in a relationship. There are a few of us going on a cruise in a few months and I am the only one without a couple and that was not an issue I was the first one her and her boyfriend invited. Of course this cruise was planned way before, so I don’t know if things have changed.

I can understand why this would be hard on you but at the same time, you cannot expect it to last a lifetime. She is in a different phase than you are. It sounds like this relationship could potentially evolve into a marriage, and is most likely going through a life transition. I went through it too, where when I was single I primarily hung out with single friends, however when I married, we hung out primarily with couples–its just the way it goes.

A best friend wants the best for their friends. I don’t see why you can’t allow her to do her birthday with her boyfriend the way she wants to this year, and then plan something for her prior to, or when she returns as I’m sure she would love both.

Hi Lane, thank you for your response. I’m not stopping her from going. And like I said in my post. I did offer to take her to dinner when she came back. I just never thought I wouldn’t be involved in her birthday plans. I always have been, when she was married , when she had other boyfriends and even the past two years with this one. So My feelings are a little hurt.

Hi Tammy, thank you for your insight. I think that’s what’s going on. Sad to come to that realization but like you said I need to accept it.

Hi Tammy, I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad you’ve moved on. Now it’s my turn. Like I said it is sad to come to that realization but I think I’m just slowly going to fade from her life. At this point I don’t think she will notice much anyway. This getaway was the final straw for me. I have dismissed the other red flags but I can’t anymore. Thank You for sharing your story. Makes me feel not so alone, and hopeful that I will be ok. Best of luck to you as well.

Yes Tammy, I think you are probably right. Last night myself her, and a third friend which is part of the “couples” that did get invited to her birthday celebration spent the night at a casino. It was a plan we’ve had for over a month and I didn’t want to leave them stuck paying for the room. I tried to make the most of it but before we headed to the casino her boyfriend calls her and she puts him speaker and now the three of them plus another gentleman who also got invited attend with his wife we’re planning what they were going to do that night and I’m sitting here in the room with no where to go listing to all of it. She already knew all of this had upset me and she went ahead and put him them on speaker. That’s just not ok. So now we are going to head home and like you said. Try and seek out other friendships and let this one just fade into memories. Thank you

Hi Tammy, her and I had a conversation yesterday after our friend left. I told her that what she did the day before making plans in front of me was not ok, especially when she knew how I felt. Needless to say things didn’t go well. I told her I was going to take a step back from the friendship and she told me to do what made me happy which tells me sh had been wanting this for a while now, she just didn’t know how to tell me. In any event things didn’t end well so I am sad. I am grieving a 20+ year friendship. I will miss my friend, but when I think about it she wasn’t really communicating with me like she used to before so I’ve been missing her for some time now. Thank you Tammy for replying to my posts, it’s been helpful.

It’s crazy how your friend reached out when you had just been posting about her. You are right, when something like this happens things never return to what they were. It’s like something was broken, even if you put it back together you can still see the cracks.

sandra you know why my friend reached out? it seems she has broken her last phone and was unable to access all the data thereon which included many pics that she treasured. she asked me later on whether i have any pics of hers saved on my phone. and if i do, can i send those to her. :-). haha. she dint reach out bec she missed me or thought of me. she reached out bec she thought there was a possibility that i may have some pics of hers saved on my phone. i didn’t actually. i had deleted most of her stuff. the few i did have, i sent to her. it doesn’t hurt nor do i feel bad anymore. am cool either which way.

whats happened between you and your friend happens. sometimes as we grow up and get into different things, we evolve in different directions and it than becomes diff to meet at a common ground. thats probably what has happened between you two. dont think shes a bad person or doing this to deliberately hurt you. just that she realised much before you that your directions have changed. its ok. you take care and figure out ways to fill that gap shes left behind. you may broof over it occasionally but with time, you wont. take care. :-)

Hi, Sandra,

I am really sorry that you are going through this disappointment.

I advise you to objectively perceive whatever you find happening and to take your time for vulnerable moments.

Your Post reminds me of a Thread I posted on another Website, reflecting on how My Best Friend did not tell or invite me to a Party she was having; as it surprised me as I am usually the first Individual she informs and invites to her Parties. I found-out later that there was more Alcohol than usual being served at her Party, all the Attendees partied hard through the Alcohol! So it made sense then to me that she would not invite me, as I do not drink Alcohol; and would thus be out-of-place there!

My Case is quite parallel to your’s; as you are not yet in a Relationship; while the other Attendees are.

Since Your Friend’s Decision here affects you so much, it would be optimal for you to have a straightforward Conversation with her about how you think and feel about this Matter.

I wonder whether there are other underlying issues you do not clarify here:
Is a part of you also a bit left-out that you are not in a Relationship?

Good luck! :)

Hello Padmini, thank you for your reply. I did have an honest conversation with her and she told me she thought I would feel out of place because I was not in a relationship and would feel awkward. I have been single for 12 years. I have hung out with her on numerous occasions when she has had other boyfriends, even when she was married. I had never been excluded before. I’m single it’s a fact of life for me so I either go places by myself or I stay home. I’d rather go out when I have the opportunity. This is the first time that I feel left out in all of these years. So honestly yes I am butt hurt. She told me her life has changed and she is now in a relationship. She now hangs out with other couples.

I understand that, She’s been doing that since she met her new boyfriend 2 years ago, yet our friendship remained the same. It’s just in the last couple of months that I have noticed the distance.

I think that’s where i need to make peace with all of this. Fact of the matter is her life has changed and she doesn’t have time for this friendship because she has made other friends that she has more in common with. I feel that the best thing I can do for my mental well being, my peace of mind is just take a step back and let her do her thing. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing a friendship on her that she no longer has the same amount of time for.

Hi Sandra.

Sorry it became so messy but unfortunately life can get messy at times. I do agree that at this juncture it would be best for you take a step back, and try to rebalance your life so you aren’t so reliant on your friend, or each other, anymore.

From what it sounds like, the two of you spend way too much time together. It sounds more like a codependent friendship which over the long term is not a healthy dynamic. I have never had a friendship like yours because I am able to enjoy many different types of friendships, from acquaintance to close to best, so I never feel like I’m left out because I can easily spend it with others, and be totally OK with it.

I don’t believe this needs to be a breakup but a transition towards gaining some independence, and autonomy from each other. In time I believe you can get back to being besties again but you do need to learn how to balance our life with other people, hobbies, things to do, and places to go without being so overly reliant on each other.

Next year, if still single, have a singles birthday bash at a fun venue, such as a singles resort, Vegas, cruise (just to name a few) that you can plan with your single friends—try it, you might actually have a blast :o)