My Best Friend is having a birthday getaway celebration and I’m not invited

Hi, Sandra,

Coincidentally, I was just Today remembering how My Mom had advised me during College when I was upset with two of My Friends–to discuss our differences once I have calmed-down and am at a better place; as I might really have a melt-down otherwise.

So it might be a good idea for you to space out when you meet to sort-out your differences with your BFF.

Also coincidentally, last night I was looking-over a Facebook Conversation I had with a High-School Classmate about Friendship; and she mentioned that the Re-Evaluation of Relationships is life-changing: that she was reflecting on Relationships that she thought were meaningful and then realized how one-sided they were.

I think that you could possibly have a concise Conversation over the Telephone with Your BFF before you meet later onwards: in order to have a more clear idea of where you both stand. I do honestly feel that “closure” could be an indication that your Friendship has run its course, but it could be otherwise. I do feel that a bit of clarity can bring you peace.

It could also be the Case that after a bit of time apart, you can both evolve and then revisit Your Friendship with a more realistic and healthy perspective. That was the Case with how I dealt with opening-up my Eyes to the Reality of that Friendship I romanticized. Although that Friend and I have not been as close as before, I have approached all my other since Formed-Friendships with a realistic and healthy perspective.

Good luck!

Hi Padmini, I really did think that’s what would happen, that after some time went by when we were both more calm we would talk if need be. If not I would have preferred it that way to just de done. Anyhow I am torn on whether I should go or not. Thank you Padmini for your advise.

What I will say may not be very popular – but I think you have done nothing wrong. I don’t think you have romanticized friendship! I think you live in a culture that we all do that – romanticizes romantic partners as being our everything including best friends and people spend so much time cultivating long term relationships-marriages 50% of which, at least, end in divorce – and give no where near the effort or investment into friendships that they should! You can Google it. There are a ton of articles about how friendships are neglected, not nurtured, etc. I have been mostly single for a few years now. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have had “dear” friends become distant, to the point of breaking off almost all regular contact, when they become emeshed in new relationships. Of course it might be normal the first three months or so during the most intense period of initial connection – but it does NOT have to be that way. I will always always be there for my friends if I have another partner, as one of my best friends recently met the love of her darn life 8 months ago (she’s over the moon peaceful and in love) but she has pointedly, continually maintained our relationship and made me a priority. We’ve even talked about how she purposefully made that effort. In my last 6 month relationship I did the same thing with all my friends.

So don’t be hard on yourself. People change and grow (or regress). They show you who they are. You deserve someone who invests in you. Talks to you in advance about changing your traditions and routines and engages your understanding and extends thoughtfulness and love. There’s that old saying -Friends are around for a reason, a season or forever. Enjoy when it’s good. Let go of what’s not meant for you. Sending you hugs.

Hi T, thank you for your understanding. Coming on here when I feel down definitely helps me. I feel like I’m not alone. Even when the opinions of some people I might not agree with I am very thankful for everyone’s input it puts some things into perspective for me and helps me make better decisions. I think her and I have definitely grown in different directions. It’s sad but I think it’s time for me to accept that and move on. Thanks for the hugs :-)

Hi Sandra, after reading through the posts I believe you have developed an unhealthy version of sisterhoood.

Real sisterhood is most often not super close, especially when you branch out as adults. It sounds like you leaned on each other during a difficult time, and clung on too close. I understand your connection a little bit, as I had a bestie who I thought of as as my “soul sister” as I connected with her much better than not only my bio sister but all others I had met before her, including my HS bestie until she died of cancer. However I was able to enjoy many different friendships as well—she was just one of many I spent my time with so we didn’t have any of the complications you are dealing with because it was ‘balanced.’

I agree that the word “closure” was not a good word for her to use but most people don’t always use the right words to convey a message. It may not mean ‘the end’ but clearing up any confusion. I would meet but also accept she is going through a life transition, which is OK as it frees you up to meet, and invest in new friendships that brings you happiness too. So don’t look it negatively as you will be OK either way :o)

You two have been friends for over 20 years. You both grow up and grow old. No matter how close you two are, there are circumstances that you two face were/are different. Even twins are not the same person, they feel differently.

Give it time and cool it down. If you are ready for the “closure talk”, then do it. If you are not, then don’t. If you don’t want to do it, give an explanation to your bestie, telling her “I am not ready for the talk”, don’t brush her off with “I am busy, sorry~” that kind of lame stuff. She might have something serious to tell you, and she would not appreciate you brush her off with any lame excuse.

She did excluded you from her activities and I understand from your point of view, it hurts. Since you mentioned there were other issues you did not mention, I would not be able to understand the situation completely but I would respect your privacy.

Perhaps she, before you did, noticed that this was a “clingy sisterhood” that it was not very healthy? So she starts to change and starts to “see other friends” and be more independent?

I still would stay with my suggestions: go explore your own world and widen your own social circle, keep your bestie in your heart and keep her update from time to time.

A 20 year friendship is precious; don’t throw it away easily. You changed, she changed; unless she becomes something that you could not stand (I had a highschool bestie turned into such a snob…ya…) I don’t see why a friendship has to end.

Of course, this is your friendship with your bestie, it is your choice. I still wish you the best of luck!. Take care. Hug~

that’s a gud idea sandra, about therapy. what your going through now many of us have gone through already. many posters have written many things. ultimately you have to figure out what is it that you think, feel and want and then act based on that.

if you wana have that meeting and feel its important to have that talk now, and then move on in life, that is fine. if you feel you need time to figure what you think and feel and what you ultimately want from her/friendship, than take that time and push the meeting to some future date. as many said, its a 20 year friendship so you may want to salvage that. but then again sometimes, our lives take different directions and unless both understand that and take efforts to still keep each other in their lives, its a dead friendship.

or another perspective is its very easy for us to blame the other, but can we dissect our own behavior so minutely?? have you tried to get along with the new people in her life whenever you were invited? this is not a criticism but just another view. has it been that something you did, or the way you behave, whenever you have been invited by her, it was very obvious that you stood out bec you couldn’t mix in with her new friends?

what am saying is we need to see a situation from all perspectives including our own behavior. what have we done to adapt to her new friends? recently i had issues with a very close person in my life. and i always felt the other person didn’t try. but after therapy, i kind of opened my eyes and realised there have been times i have simply put up my hand and said but you knew this is how i have always been and this is what i have always liked!so turns out even i didn’t try. :-).

Hi Tammy, the last I heard from her when all of this happened there were three other couples going aside from her and her boyfriend. I know one of the couples and I have known them for years. I met them through her. They are part of our usual hangout crowd and we have always gotten along great. We even travel together. The other two couples I’ve never met. She’s only been hanging out with them for a couple of months.

sorry to hear. but its ok. this chapter ends and others shall begin. what worked for us when we were younger, doesnt necessarily work as we get older. its only in our teens and early twenties usually that we have best friends with whom we hang out every week. for most of us, its having few good friends with whom we catch up occasionally. to expand your horizon, get into activities where you have chances of meeting people. take up invites for hanging out, join dating sites. so many things.

gosh. that’s so extreme. from best friends to deleting nos. and she wanted to meet personally for this? like seriously? u know i have few friends where our interests differ completely and we are poles apart. but we still are friends. and we meet up occasionally. even that friend of mine who got in touch to get her old pics. we are sooo different and have different interests. its like at times when shes bored and feeling alone or wants to vent she gets in touch. and when i am bored and need some company for the evening i catch up with her. despite so much that has happened, we never had a ceremony just to say goodbye. not sure why it has to be all or nothing. if that was the case why even meet?

i had posted but it dint get posted. those are the exact words that some of the mutual friends had told me about my bff when i was younger. but i didn’t pay any heed. infact my grand mom had told me she didn’t like this friend of mine and told me i should avoid her. it happens and we learn and move on. from hence forth don’t put all your eggs in one basket. have few good friends with varied interests. That way your not dependent on just one to enjoy your social life. and get to do different things with differnt friends. :-)

With time and space, someday you will hopefully look back on your friendship with fond memories and gratefulness for what it taught you. You won’t always have the hurt feelings. A bit of advice: Respect your own hurt feelings, work to move forward, but try not to demonize her to yourself or others, just to make yourself feel better. We all do it but there comes a point it’s more of a crutch than a salve.

We grow and change and our friendships don’t always grow and change with us. That’s okay. Good luck to you!

well said mama. i agree. when i broke off with my bestie many years back, most people asked me what happened? except for 1 of my closest friends, i never talked about her or what happened to anyone. just told them s**t happens and we move on. after few years i caught up with the same friend when i visited her city. and i also interacted with her husband when i met him at the airport.i have lost touch with her in the past few years. :-) but yes things never really repaired between us.