Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My BF was talking to his ex pretty much all night and I felt left out
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AngieBaby.
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Jessie
I was hoping that sleeping on it would make me realize I’m being unhealthy or ridiculous but honestly, I’m still having a tough time so I wanted to get some thoughts on this situation.
We’ve been together 5 years, both previously married with two kids each close to the same age. Boyfriend had these friends way back from high school who invited him to their kid’s 10th birthday last night. He’s kept in contact with them but don’t really see them often so he was going to attend with his kids then stop by my place afterwards since I don’t live too far from them.
They didn’t get there until a bit later than anticipated so he called me and invited me and my kids over. Now it was a bit odd because I had never met them nor did I think they ever knew about me (unsure about that though). My kids and I ended up going and it was just awkward from the get go.
Apparently he told the wife (mom of the kid having a birthday), that his girlfriend and kids were coming, so when we arrived, everyone was welcoming. He introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, introduced my kids, etc. Fast forward to close to 20 mins or so after we arrived. Mind you, my BF was standing by the counter talking to his friends and I stood there but wasn’t included in the conversation so I excused myself to sit with my kids. He called my name, I turned around and there was a girl he introduced me to and I stood up, she was very nice and gave me a hug. I remembered the name from when he mentioned one of his exes in passing. It was her. I don’t think he knew that I remembered. She was there with her husband and two kids (9 and 7 year olds).
All night she was talking to him. Apparently they all went to high school together, including her now husband. I started feeling uncomfortable because it seemed everywhere he was, she was there. There was a point before we left, that we were all on the couch- me, my BF, her and her husband. Husband at the end, then her, and my boyfriend and me at the end. They were facing each other just talking. No flirting but my insecurities were letting me feel uncomfortable. They were just talking about what was going on with his family, kids, school life, etc. All while I was sitting there for 30-45 minutes not being acknowledged because they were so busy catching up. They maybe included me in a couple of subjects but it was short lived.
I get they were just catching up and this relationship was at least 13 years ago- I’m guessing 13 years minimum because of her kids’ ages and his. BFs oldest is 13. He married the mom (his ex wife) back in 2010.
I just didn’t like how they seemed like they couldn’t part. The guys would stand in a group and she would be there next to my BF. We sat on the couch and she sat by my BF… Prior to that, he did call me up to the counter a few times to have a drink with the group. I would stand there and try to converse with everyone but most of the time, the group’s conversation would steer to them talking about the past, high school, etc. something I wasn’t a part of. So he did try to get me involved a few times but I would say the majority of the time, I was left out.
He and his kids ended up coming home with us. I knew he was drinking and I drove us all to my place and he acted like there was nothing wrong and actually back to his more affectionate self when we were starting to head to bed.
I guess I just need reassurance that I’m reading too much into it and perhaps me not knowing anyone there being the outsider heightened my anxiety and insecurities. I’m too old to be having this mentality. Would you all feel a bit neglected too if this happened?
Tallspicy
This is 1000% a you issue. You have some responsibility to connect with people on your own. By your own admission, he did include you pretty often.
That said, you feel the way you feel, so be kind to yourself, but you may want to think about what you were telling yourself while this was all happening. How could you have soothed yourself better next time. You could even share how you felt as an inquiry and something you were surprised to be feelinh.
Jessie
He called me up a few times when the group was gathering to take a shot. But he absolutely was talking to her more than he talked to me.
I get what you are saying though, and I’m trying to set myself straight by reminding myself he sees me often and was talking to her more because they were catching up on the drama, life stories, etc in past years. I began to feel insecure and questioned if there was some attraction there because of the attention they were giving each other.
Ewa
someone told me once -you can talk to people doesn’t mean you want to be with them. And i agree with that statement. I would probably feel very insecure but then again like you said many times they were just catching up, I doubt that her partner felt weird about it.
I also feel like you will always feel left out in these type of gatherings because you don’t know these people and no matter how hard your partner will try to include you , there are things you might not know so you won’t be involved in their conversation as much. I doubt that they will suddenly renew their contact.
security should comes from you, but I get the feeling there is something missing in your relationship or your partner does not make you feel secure enough.
Gaia
Tallspicy is a 100% correct here.
Nothing about this interaction screams that your BF was being a jerk. If you had said he spent the entire evening in a corner talking to this woman and didn’t acknowledge your presence at all I could absolutely see this being an issue but that wasn’t the case.
Jealousy from our own insecurities can make us blow things out of proportion. Try to look at the positives that your BF showed you…
He invited you and your kids to the party. He introduced you to his friends. He included you when getting drinks with the old h.s. group. He didn’t flit off to somewhere secluded and had the conversations with her in front of you and her husband. You could have went and engaged in conversation with someone else at the party, the ex’s husband, or done something else in the small time frames you felt you were being excluded (30 min to 45 min is a very small time frame).
Personally, I think the only problem here would be you making it one. He didn’t do anything wrong and included you even though you can’t seem to see it.
AngieBaby
I don’t take my BF to my high school classmate gatherings anymore. It’s difficult for him to sit there and listen to us laugh about stuff from a long time ago. He went once and expressed that he felt left out even though I tried to make sure he was included. Most of my classmates don’t bring their spouses. It was a small town high school and we all know each other well. It’s also hard for me to go to his family gatherings and listen to them go on about past experiences for hours, so I don’t always go and he understands. Some of my HS friends’ spouses have been to all our reunions though and they have established relationships with us. I love chatting with some of my classmates’ spouses and look forward to seeing them at our get-togethers. When you have bonds with HS friends, it’s special. But it doesn’t mean any romantic interest. He invited you and did his best to include you. Doesn’t sound like he’s interested in her, just was having a good catch-up. Chill.
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