Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › My boyfriend demanded a weeks break away from me
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mell.
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Trina
My BF has recently demanded a break away from me for a week with no contact and I don’t know how to handle it.
We have had a few arguments in the past two weeks which have got heated to the point where he has yelled down the phone in a fit of rage, admitted to throwing things and in one arguments he whacked me with her jackets beacuse I called him a child. I know I shouldn’t have called him that and I apologised.The past 7 days have been lovely and we’ve got on without arguments until Sunday where I asked him he would come round for 10 mins as I was feeling a bit down and needy and really needed a cuddle. We’d already spent two and half days together the day before so he’s response was “I’m ok on my own today, I’ve already spent 2.5 days with you so I’m ok on my own”! I flipped as I hate when he keeps tabs on how many consecutive days we spend together as it doesn’t leave much hope to eventually living together (we’ve been together for two year already) and I felt disappointed that he refused to be there for me when I needed him the most. He didn’t even asked what was the issue.
Anyway this turned into a shouting fest and know he has brought up other arguments from the past two weeks and have demanded a weeks break/space away from me!He has always said that he doesn’t do breaks so I can’t help but feel so hurt over this, we speak literally every single day and see each other every two days or so.
He admitted that he needs to really consider if this relationship is what as our arguments bring out a horrible side of him.
I feel like I don’t want to sit around for a week for him to then turn round and end the relationship. I honestly don’t know how to play this or what to do and I really want to call him and resolve things! What do I do! He’s never asked for space before!cupcake
This honestly does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. After 2 years together you should really be comfortable to spend an extended time together without losing it. It sounds like a toxic situationship that the two of you keep dragging on ( for whatever reason). If i were you i’d not wait for him and break it off and move on.
I am sure both of you will be a lot happier if you go seperate ways.
Liz Lemon
I think you should leave him alone and give him a week’s space, as he requested. He asked for a week’s break to think, because your relationship brings out horrible arguments. That’s a perfectly reasonable request.
As cupcake mentioned, your relationship sounds very toxic– shouting, throwing things, hitting with a jacket, name calling (you called him a child)– none of that is healthy or constructive behavior. I find it hard to believe that this suddenly started out of the blue in the past 2 weeks. Has this been the pattern through the past 2 years?
You also sound very smothering. You spent almost 3 days together, and within less than a day, you’re calling him up to come give you a cuddle because you were feeling “needy”? What’s that all about? I’d feel smothered too if I were him! If you had a serious issue and needed to see him, you should have verbalized the problem. What was so important that you needed him to drop everything and come over after spending multiple days with you?
And he asked for a week’s space to think about the relationship, and here you are freaking out and wanting to call him. Again, you’re being needy and smothering. Give the man his space. Let him reach out to you after 1 week.
You’re thinking about living together but I hope you realize that living together doesn’t mean spending 24 hours/day together, or him dropping everything to come give you a cuddle every time you feel “needy”. Cupcake is right that after 2 years you should be able to spend multiple days together without any issue. But after 2 years you should also be able to give him some space. Men value their freedom and the last thing they want is a needy, clingy woman who is always demanding their time.
Ss
Well it depends on what you have been arguing about and how serious an issue it is. I don’t see it as a good idea to just end a 2 year relationship if the issues are recent.
From what little you have said it sounds like he is finding you too needy. Men don’t like needy. When you say you need him emotionally, all he hears is moany nagging not what you are actually saying or asking for. You shouldn’t need a man to help you feel better.
Give him the space he has asked for. Its disrespectful to not listen and to try and push your agenda to sort things out. Use the time to work on you and reconnect with what you enjoy. Do not immediately contact him at the end of the weeks absence – wait for him to come to you. If he doesn’t then his lack of contact tells you that he doesn’t respect you or prioritise you and that you should be thinking about ending it properly because you deserve better xx
Trina
I just feel like a week is unreasonable when the argument was so minor. We’ve never gone a week without talking so I don’t know why he think it will work starting now. I can’t help but find it insulting and I personally feel as though if he really loves me that much then surely he wouldn’t be able to go a week without even calling me to see how I am.
And to add, he has his needy moments, calling me multiple time’s a day just to hear my voice so for him to then turn around and say he doesn’t want to speak to me for a week is a shock to the system!kaye
You’re obviously aren’t hearing anything anyone has said to you!! It doesn’t matter if the argument was minor. What matters is he has asked for space from you because he’s been pushing to his limit with ALL the arguing!! And if you don’t hear him, listen to what he’s saying and GIVE HIM the space he’s asking for, he’s likely going to leave you. So would you rather go one week of not talking to him or the rest of your life without him?
Anon
Maybe look at it positively. If he didn’t want this relationship he might have already ended it after one of the screaming fights you’ve had this past week. But he didn’t, he wants a break. So now you have to respect his wishes as you would want him to respect you if you wanted something. Try to look at things from his perspective and have some empathy as to how he’s feeling. He may come back ready for the relationship or he may decide he’s over it. If you push him, I can guarantee the relationship is over.
Tallspicy
You are not getting it at all. When a man asks you for a break, he is considering a break up. And you are very immature to think a person who loves you needs to talk see all the time. That is codependency not love. That is a child love, not a mature love.
This man is questioning your compatibility and needs to think. Give him that gift. If you do not, it tells him you have unhealthy boundaries. And that other women will meet his needs better or he can on his own.
He needs to see if he misses you when you are not around. Men love women in their absence, women love in the presence. If he does not get time to miss you, calm down, reconnect to himself, he will flat out dump you.
Please read up about how men become attracted…. it is in mystery, missing you, longing for you. Not being constantly available.
When a man asks you for space, give him the universe. Focus on healing and supporting yourself
Tallspicy
And the argument was not minor if he thinks it was not minor. He is seeing a pattern that is unhealthy and wants out. Your best recourse is to let him have the time and if you come back tell him you are committed to different outcomes and you are doing therapy so you can deal with conflict more successfully.
mell
It sounds like you may have different needs with regards to closeness. You will need to learn to compromise on this, or you are incompatible as a couple. This means you’re going to have to work on yourself. I think you need to work on your own needs – perhaps get counselling or get some hobbies.
If someone asks for space, you NEED to give it to them. This is out of your hands. Let him think. You don’t want to sit around for him to end the relationship – but actually, everyone has the right to do that, and you can’t stop him, just like he can’t stop you.
Calling a guy up and asking them to visit you right there and then because you need a cuddle is not usual – realistically people have work and lives – even if they do love us. He may well feel that he doesn’t get time to do anything else. Is that really when you “needed him the most”? – why did you need him so badly that you demanded he came over? Was it really urgent, or are you used to asking for constant comfort and was it your way of dealing with insecurity by keeping him around when he asked for time off? Why didn’t you tell him what the issue was, if it was that bad? There’s really no need to be cryptic with your boyfriend- men tend to be worse at this kind of thing than women, and nobody is a mind reader. Don’t expect him to know how bad you are feeling, or what you feel bad about.
I genuinely think you may have problems here that need addressing, especially if you’re that needy and having that many fights – please take care of yourself and consider getting support. This isn’t judgement coming form me – I have CBT counselling myself.
At that stage of the relationship you should be able to spend multiple days together, but also that time shouldn’t be 24/7, nor should it lead to him feeling stifled. Don’t just let him have some space, encourage him to do it. Make sure he has friends or hobbies and feels like he can do fun things without being chased by you. Make sure you have the same – so you can do thigns without obsessing over him. Do you actually have anyone else to speak to, or anything else to do? Because it sounds to me like your relationship takes up all your time. Believe me: if you have nothing to focus on but your relationship, it’s going to make you a clingy wreck. Make sure you build your life outside him, too.
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