Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My boyfriend doesn't find me attractive?
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Bunny.
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Wren
So i enjoy being creative in bed…my boyfriend doesn’t and I’m ok with this. But he never initiates sex…i ALWAYS do it. Sometimes I dress up sexy, or just give him pleasure instead of sex…whatever. So he doesn’t initiate it and now he doesn’t even really act that happy about it when i do.
I asked him what the problem was and he said it was because he was bored with sex. Uh…I like to try new things all the time but he always turns down my ideas. So i told him that didn’t make sense and that’s when he said that it was my body and that i wasn’t in shape.
Wow i was hurt. The thing is though I’m not fat, I think i look damn good actually. I’m 5’6 116lbs…am i in shape? No, not really so i guess that’s the problem. He’s a Butt guy and i have no butt, but i have big boobs. Prob. 1, Prob. 2 my stomach isn’t flat, even though I’m skinny everywhere else. So i don’t get it.
I know that he is insecure about his own body but i’m not. I asked him if maybe that was the problem and he said it could be and that he was just nit picking about my body flaws. The fact remains that he doesn’t really like my body. I’m hurt, I’m walking around in this surreal daze, and i’m trying to act like everything is ok. I don’t know what to do, because in every other way he’s the kind of man women wish for. We’ve been together 2yrs and I love him so much, our personalities are so similar, and he’s my best friend. Where the hell do i go from here?
Sassperilla
Wow. Honey. YOU ARE NOT FAT!!! Jesus if he really said that then woah… I would be hurt. I’d probably need some space from him. I’d definitely need him to bring something major to the table to be forgiven!
Do you live together? If not I would cool it with him for a while. Let him experience life without you for a bit. Sounds like he’s having some issues with his sex drive, but that’s his problem to work on, not yours, and he shouldn’t punish you for it.
talllady
Evan Mark Katz has a good article on something similar.
He said – dump him. It is easier to find someone else who loves you as you are (which hardly sounds obese-and if you have not changed over the time you are dating), than to try to turn yourself around being what he wants. You will never feel safe now. I am sorry, but you won’t.
This is his issue, not yours.
Sorry, but attraction is binary – you are or you are not.
stacey
If this is really about your body then
he should workout with you instead of refuse sex. You two could build butt muscles together, but instead he’s going to insult you. He is being jerky!talllady
BTW, I am not of the school that women should be able to physically blow up and they man should love her. I actually do believe that men are visual and indeed do lose attraction if you let yourself go. However, if you have not changed much, then screw him. Let him go out and find that perfect body and see if he can find the rest of it to.
I know you have been together 2 years, but is this just a ruse for him to move on? Are there other issues? Usually sex is not only a physical issue.
Stefanie
My gorgeous 5″9 130 lb sister went through this with a boyfriend – who incidentally has one of the worst bodies I’ve ever seen and was 10 years older than her) – and it just about destroyed her. After 9 months of this BS, she finally broke up with him but it took her a year of therapy after that to recover herself.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s very shallow. Having watched this all, it seemed a way of him keeping distance between them, being one up and controlling her. IMO, if a guy is saying this thing like this to you, it won’t change and you deserve better.
There has been much made the past few days of regular posters saying “walk away” and that not being helpful to the OP… but i”m not sure what else to tell you. He’s told you he doesn’t find you physically attractive to the point where he isn’t interested in sex with you. I don’t care what else is right in the relationship – this is huge and can’t be ignored.
You can either be OK with that or get in shape that he wants you to be in. Your choice. I know what I’d do!
Stefanie
I meant, you can be OK with him feeling this way and not having much sex or get in shape if you want to stay in the relationship. Me, I’d walk, but it’s up to you.
talllady
If and I mean if, you were to try to get into shape. I would be very clear – WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU NEED ME TO WORK ON? And if I do, what will happen?
My thought is that he is just a jackass and is being critical of you instead of working on his own darn self.
Wren
We do live together and this is only the first time it’s ever come up. No my body has not changed in fact i think i’ve lost weight. He admitted he was wrong and that it’s something he needs to change.
We were working out together but we both got kind of lazy about it. But i have a short torso and no matter what i weigh my tummy never gets flat, I have a butt but it’s tiny(while i have 36DD boobs).
It’s not that he’s refusing sex, it just seems he’s not really interested in it unless i bring it up. He said he loves me, that i’m sexy, that he doesn’t want to break up but that he was just lashing out and nit picking at my flaws…but damn it still hurts ya know?
I mean could i point out his body flaws? Yea, he has more than me but i just don’t care. and It has nothing to do with if i want to have sex or not.
I think he’s gotten lazy, he pays too much attention to video games…etc. So when i ask why he never initiates it or wants to try anything new/kinky…he lashed out. He does that…if he feels embarrassed he’ll lash out(he gets embarrassed easily). But i just can’t shake that fact that that’s how he really feels.
LAgirl
Are you sure he isn’t having sex with another woman? It’s not unusual for a person (man or woman) to lose interest in sex but be satisfied with someone on the side…
I don’t see any options here… you could workout, but then what? For him to find somthing else he doesn’t like about you? We all age. Is he not going to like you to get wrinkles? I think it sounds like an excuse to me.
Stefanie
A viable solution would be getting back into working out together.
Wren
And let me say that i’m NOT an insecure person. I love my body, and cute little anime-like face, and my pixie cut hair that most women won’t dare to try. I’m bold, I’m independant, I was happy alone before we met. I love myself probably too much sometimes lol, but something like this can really make your ego take a hit.
Maybe he’s jealous of how confident and honest I always am? Maybe he’s just like every guy and wants a supermodel body on his gf but he made the mistake of actually saying it lol idk.
He’s just not the type of guy that I would have thought he’d feel this way…i mean i’ve seen his ex GF’s lol. I can bounce back from this i know i can because I love myself, but if it keeps coming up then honestly i just don’t want to be with someone who thinks that about me.
I’ve been with hotter guys before and never got any complaints so what gives him the right…
Wren
LAgirl…trust me that was my first thought. But how would i know? I won’t know until he slips up and I don’t want to be the girl who’s just waiting to find out if he’s cheating. He says he’d never do that, he said he loves me too much to mess things up and lose me. He said he’s done that in the past and that’s the No.1 thing he hates about himself that he ever cheated on someone.
So there is no way to know if that’s the case.
Ali
Is it possible he’s stressed out by work? If a man isn’t feeling successful in that aspect, it affects his sex drive. It’s possible he has some other issue going on and threw out the “not attracted to you” comment as a way to deflect and hurt you. It’s a low blow. And you can’t bounce back from that easily. At least I wouldnt!
If you haven’t already, I’d let him know that it really hurt you for him to say that and that if he truly feels that way then you both need to think about how this relationship will work. If you both want to continue the relationship then you need to figure out what’s really going on.
Sexual compatibility is important, but maybe you can find a compromise?
Lane
I agree with Ali and you need to confront him on it! My ex started doing this to me to DEFLECT his own insecurities. He was overweight and not in shape and to say something about mine, was well, wrong. I told him to stand in front of the mirror and pick out his own flaws and fix his before he picks on someone else’s.
Maybe try a min-break for about a month. I’m not saying ‘break up’ but give each other some space. I would approach it with “I’m not happy with the way things are right now. You play too many video games and don’t want to have to sex with me, and I think we need some space to decide if this the type of relationship we want.”
Do you have a sister or friend you can stay with for a month? Sometimes when you have the space to really think about what you do and don’t want and that if it doesn’t change then you at least gave yourself some time and clarity to ACKNOWLEDGE IT before making a definitive decision as to whether or not you want to stay or go.
Ivy
How come this issue is just coming up at 2 years?
If I was with a guy and early on in our dating life and sex life he revealed that he wasn’t attracted to me because of my body then I would have to say logically that I would have to let him go. See how I see it is that men are attracted to a variety of women, and women are very different, plus attraction is not just about the physical body. Even if I were to try to change some aspect to make it more appealing to the guy, even if I was secure with my body, I wouldn’t be able to be secure with that man, I wouldn’t feel like he appreciated my beauty, I wouldn’t feel as attracted and want to be sexual with him either. Also, let’s say I changed something, then what happens if I got sick, then the guy isn’t attracted to me anymore, what if I got old (will happen), pregnant, taking medication?
I think if you interested in being with a man who loves you and will love you long-term for you who are and be attracted to you and enjoy a loving sex life then maybe you need to think if in fact this guy is the right guy for you.
If you were not attracted to a man’s body and did not desire to have sex with him then wouldn’t you feel that he deserved a woman who was attracted and desired him? And don’t you feel that you deserve that in turn?
Take some time to think about what makes you feel good in a relationship, what you want long-term, what your values are etc. Take a bit of time before reacting but you do have something serious to address here.
Just because he is a man that women want doesn’t mean he is the right man for you. Wouldn’t the right man for you find you beautiful, attractive, and desireable?
And yes he could be cheating or watching too much porn…quite frankly there seem to be a lot of possible things here and they are all potential deal-breakers to me.
Mae
Hi Wren,
Wow. I’m very sorry to hear about what you’re going through. First off, you are by no means overweight. I’m 5’2″, 120, have big hips, and am even considered skinny by some. Anyway, it’s possible for men to not be physically attracted to a woman no matter her shape. It’s all relative. But, I don’t think that’s the case.
What I’m gathering is that he has some deep insecurities he’s deciding to project onto you. I mean, he can’t genuinely feel happy and productive playing video games and wasting away. This is a reflection of him, not you. What he said translates to: “I really don’t feel good about how I look, but I’m too embarrassed to admit that, so I’ll flip it around since I have an opening.”
The fact that he brings this up after two years makes me wonder if a confrontation would be useful. But first, I would do some soul searching and look inside of yourself. Perhaps go away for a weekend with the girls, or even alone, and really ask yourself if you’re okay with what it MEANS to be with someone like that.
Hope that helps a bit.
Bunny
Have things gotten better? Im going thru this too. We met at the end of November 2014. I was always comfortable with my body. After sex I wouldnt put my clothes on right away, and walk around nude for a little bit. In late dec or early jan of this year we were both dressed, it was mayne 30 mins after sex, he told me “I “I like you better with a t-shirt on.” I know the surreal daze you mentioned. I haven’t asked why or what he doesnt like. Im afraid to rock the boat, we are both very quit calm chill people. Has anything changed for you?
Laur
Dayummm. If anyone remembers my thread from a couple weeks ago I went thru this too. PP is right in saying you will never feel safe again. It still hurts me on a personal level too. And YES they do deflect their own insecurities
Kai
May I throw something into the mix?
I can relate to the issue of all the sudden not being attracted to you anymore. This happened to me once.
Here was my scenario. Guy had midlife crises issues, dated just “girls” at least 20 years younger than him and watching a lot of porn. Oh and on Viagra.
We also had not been together very long. This was a whirlwind affair where he wanted to see me EVERY DAY, right of the bat. I also knew he had issues with his divorce three years earlier and he was depressed.
I mention all of that since I am sure this is a way of reflecting from his insecurities. But I also believe you do/did the same thing I was doing. Trying too hard to please the guy!
Let the guy chase you! Let him beg you! Don’t become his care taker and go after him for sex all the time.
He gets bored and turned off with all that testosterone coming from you!
My two cents of what I am seeing here. Good luck ;-))SthrnBelle
Wow, wow, wow, this is ridiculous, incredibly hurtful, offensive and totally wrong. He is putting the blame on you for something that is very very wrong with him.
First of all, it does not matter if you have a great body, good boy, average body or not so hot body, it should not matter at all to someone that loves you, they will love you the way you are if they do! This man does not love you at all. You have been like this the whole time and if he was not attracted to your body, he should not have started with you at all!
Your body type is thin based on what you are saying. Like you I too have boobs and no butt but now I have a belly as this is a body type and I have gained weight. And you know what? Men love me this way. I used to be thin but that was not me. I have boobs, a belly, still a smaller butt though now I have a butt and fine bones, thin long legs. Come on it should not be about this, no one is perfect! I know beautiful women that are heavier than me.
I think this guy has committment issues, he is either cheating or thinking about other women all the time and this is just the type of sorry but rotten person he is and then he takes it out on you.
Please do yourself a favor and dump this guy as fast as you can, sorry. I do not like to be this harsh but this is sickening.
It has been done to me by my own father who said that I will never have a nice body and I believe him, it has affected my self esteem my whole life. Now I like myself the way I am an accept myself this way.
Please do that too. You can exercise, it is good for us all but a person that will love you will love you regardless of how perfect your body is.
Amber
I think as soon as a man starts saying these things in such a way and unsolicited from the woman asking for comments then it is time to go.
The op could go to 154lbs and still be medically within the correct weight range for height.I would have to think seriously of a good reason to stay although I would fins it hard to leave but being older and wiser I would go.
Maria
5″6 and 116 pounds? You are skinny right?
First of all, flat stomach is not that hard to get with the right type of exercises, bigger butt too – this is for you for the future if you decide to transform yourself from a very sexy lady (big BOOBS !!!…this is what all women and most men want lol..and this is not possible to get no matter what exercise you do).
Your guy says he is not attracted to you because of your body.
Two options I see, 1) ask him if is it ok for you to date other guys who would find you attractive? and there will be many, trust me. 2) stop being upset and dump him. No contact and all rules. He will come crawling back, guaranteed. And lets see how his attraction issues change then. Make sure he knows you started dating someone else, when you do.
Whatever you do, do not let it slide unnoticed. You may feel belittled and humiliated and it can have a huge blow to any woman’s self esteem. Do not let it. One not-very-smart guy said some stupid things to you about your body..(are you really 116 pounds and 5’6? this is skinny..! an big boobs!! I can’t believe it)
If he is not attracted now, this will only get worse and you will end up with self esteem issues. You need to act.
Bunny
I think I would have left him, but about a yr ago a really great guy did the same thing thses guys are doing. My coworker/friend had dated Bill for 8 years, she had always been a big girl. In the last few years she became obese. He started seeing a therapist and I asked him why, he said problems with Jill. Do i probed and probed, he didnt want to tell me bat first. Finally I dragged it out of him, he wasnt attracted to her physically. I was shocked, especially since Jack is a great guy that any girl would be lucky to have. So, my boyfriend got lucky you could say, I didnt leave because I thought of Jack n Jill. It just baffles me tho, if you love someone it shouldn’t matter, but I cant get into a guy’s mind.
Bunny
***Jill not Bill
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