My boyfriend lied. Is this a red flag?

A lie is a lie, no matter what. If he wants you to trust him, he needs to be honest. The audacity of him to accuse you of not trusting, whilst lying to you. This is a major red flag, and a sign he doesn’t value you enough to be honest.

I still don’t believe he is telling you the truth 2nd time round. The fact he lied to you, indicates he feels the need to hide things.

If I was you, I’d find out who she is and contact her and ask her directly. Or ask to see the mails.

how old is this man?

He screams drama.

Has he lied before?

I think males forget that the truth may hurt short term, but a lie hurts long term and has a detrimental affect on a trusting relationship.

Hi G, we are both 29. To be honest with you he is very reasonable for the most part, and very patient when it comes to hard talks like this. However, I do have to admit we have had more of these conversations that not. I just don’t understand what’s happening and what’s going on his mind. Why does he seem distracted and why did he lie? Now a pandora box has opened and I don’t know how often he has lied to my face. And now this is what’s going to be on the back of my mind.

The fact that he lied to you about who she was initially is quite concerning. It would be for me if I was in your situation if my husband had lied about who another woman was. I’d wonder if it’s so innocent why is there a need to lie for?

I wouldn’t normally advocate an invasion of someone’s privacy but your partner is not being straight forward with you about things so if there’s a way you can see his messages between him and this woman you’ll have your answer as to the true nature of the relationship.

There is not much difference between a lie or the truth as they can both be hurtful depending on the context they are uttered (said or stated). In a nutshell, not all lies are bad and not all truths are good.

The best way to ‘counter’ it is to say, “well if you have nothing to hide, then let me read the texts.” If a man is hiding nothing, then he has nothing to hide. This is a fundamental truth, even though the truth might or will hurt far worse than the lie did.

I too believe in open and honest transparency; however I also understand men are loaded with testosterone, and think about *sex* A LOT, where just a lady standing in line at a grocery store, or an image on a billboard, will invoke all kinds of sexual fantasies on a daily basis. The underlying disconnect between men and woman is that its super easy for a woman to stay faithful as they don’t have constant sexual thoughts plaguing them all day, like it does with a man.

Sexting form men is primarily based on getting their ego needs (still attractive to the opposite sex), and attaining a sexual release (fantasy based) without any emotions (love or feelings) involved. It has nothing to do with how they *feel* about their partner as men are also capable of completely separating sex from emotion, which is why men can so easily ‘hit it and quit it’ without having any desire to talk or see that lady again.

Hi Lane, I didn’t not specifically see the texts. I don’t think it was sexting but just random talk from what I was able to observe. As shoshanah mentioned, I do as well value privacy, which is why I wanted him to be transparent. Next day when I realized he lied, that’s when I regret not going through the texts.

I woke up so sad and defeated today. I am preparing for the worst as this is not a good indication of a healthy relationship and I don’t appreciate how he disrespected me. It’s almost like I saw a different side of this guy, who is he? So sad.

UPDATE:
Ive been thinking long and hard, and how we have been fighting more often recently and how it seems that we have not had a chance to reflect at all on our relationship. When we have discussions after arguments, it seems that we never come to a conclusion. Some patterns still keep being repeated.

We talked on the phone yesterday, and it was a very hard conversation. He said he feels s h I t t y for lying and I expressed my sadness and how betrayed i felt that he lied.

I brought up the fact that it doesn’t seem that we both have had a chance to reflect on ourselves and the way we have been presenting ourselves in this relationship, and I suggested we take next couple of weekends to ourselves to think about our shortcomings and to truly think what we want. He appreciated my maturity around the situation but resisted a little bit and was taken back, but also agreed at the same time. We couldn’t agree whether we cut off all contact or still check on each other meanwhile since this is new for both of us. He said he needs to process this and get back to me and talk some more in a couple of days.

Today has been the first time in over a year that neither of us reaches out or texted. Mind you, we text everyday for most part of the day and keep each other in the loop. It is breaking my heart and i have been crying all day. I have been reflecting a lot about our relationships, the good times but also the red flags. I am trying not to let my emotions of missing him cloud the clarity regarding the relationship. Now I am a mess and full of emotions and I am worried I did a huge mistake.

Your ages, please…

All relationships are going to go through shifts, changes, twists, turns and obstacles…its how you work as *a team* will determine if you can make it or not.

Does he have an alcohol problem? If so, you are in dangerous “co-dependency” territory where you will always be ‘the mistress’ and the alcohol will be his main love. I’ve been there and if he can’t stop drinking then your relationship is going to become far more toxic and dysfunctional than it is now—this is just a blip of your bleak future if you stay. I suggest you at least read up on “co-dependency” as many have either learned it through their parents or become one unwittingly because they don’t understand how alcohol affects one’s mind (its a pathology) that will end up driving you insane the longer you stay with them.