Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My boyfriend loves me but doesn’t want to make love to me.
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Bre Me.
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Amelia
My boyfriend and I live together and we are super happy in every aspect of the relationship, but he doesn’t want to have sex with me or do anything other than me giving him head. He’s not selfish in any other respect and he does so much for me and does everything he can for me but when it comes to sex I just don’t feel like I’m okay. Is he going off me I mean other than the intimacy there have been no changes. I’ve asked if he didn’t want to live together or if he thinks we rushed it but he claims that he’s happy. I’m on birth control and we’ve both been tested within the relationship for everything. So it’s not that. I get shy and embarrassed to talk to him about it because I don’t want to push him away. What do I do.
Honeypie
How long has this been going on for? How long have you been together? Has it always been like that? This is a huge problem
Amelia
It’s not been like this forever. We’ve been going out for just under a year and we did rush moving in together a lot because I was being pushed out of my home and we lived an hour away so were spending so much money on fuel to see each other. It’s been going on for a few months now not long after we moved in together. I don’t want to push him away because other than this single issue he’s perfect. He helps me with everything he makes me feel amazing and does everything he can for me. Just not in bed.
Raven
This is not ok & I’m glad you realize it!
Stop blowing him…
Ianthe
Extremely unusual situation. The reverse, though still a problem, is more often the case.
Have you two EVER had sex? What reasons has he given? How old are you both?
Bre Me
Ok I need some more clarity. I think I can help.
1. Have yall had sex before?
2. When was the last time yall had sex?
3. What’s his reason for not having sex with you?
4. Is he a virgin or never had vaginal sex before?
Amelia
Yes we have had sex and not really that long ago maybe a couple of weeks? It’s just we do stuff every night it’s just always me giving and he doesn’t way to have sex a lot. He always says he’s too tired for it but he’s like 25 and I’m 21 surely this isn’t really the problem? We cuddle all the time go out together all the time he involves me in everything like we’re going to see the new avengers with his friends and every time he meets up with his friends I’m there I get on well with his family and friends and I’m the longest relationship he’s had in a very long time. He doesn’t seem stand off ish or anything as if he’s scared.
Amelia
He’s just says he’s tired like he doesn’t have the energy. We did stuff tonight where he seemed to have more energy than usual, we didn’t have sex but he did finger me for a little while but I didn’t finish when he went straight back to wanting head. I joked about finishing me off but he just joked back as if it wasn’t a but deal? Does he not really understand? I have toys in my drawer I think he knows about does he just assume I use them and do it myself? So many things in my head I just don’t understand.
Crisula
He loves you, but he could be gay, and he’s trying to fight it?
Same thing happened to my college friend. He left her at the altar.
Amelia
I mean I don’t think he’s gay… he likes butt stuff but not penetrative. I’ve tried it with him and he said he just didn’t enjoy it but he likes doing anal with me much more than vaginal but it can be difficult because mine is very tight so can be hard to do stuff without what seems like major prep work…
Honeypie
I can’t see a way around it other than talking. When he tries to initiate head, do you try other things like getting on top for instance and taking the lead of what you want?
Amelia
I’ve tried. He finds it painful or uncomfortable when I’m on top during sex. Which is something I used to be good at. Guys used to love it and they would go crazy but he just doesn’t he doesn’t like it at all. He tried to put a brave face on but he winces because it hurts him.
Ianthe
*I mean I don’t think he’s gay… he likes butt stuff but not penetrative*
Now, this IS strange in the circumstances. Now, I’m wondering if it’s to do with a fear of getting you pregnant. I know you’ve said you’re on birth control, but all the same, he may not believe it couldn’t happen.
How long have you been seeing each other? What’s his relationship history? Exes?
Raven
This will feel harsh:
You’re too shy & embarrassed to talk with him, but you’re not too shy or embarrassed to blow him?
I’m sorry to be so blunt
The thing you fear is already evident… You already know the answer. Why are you living in fear?
Amanda
Its definitely unusual. 25 year’s old he should be pounding you relentlessly.
I have no clue as to any possible reason for it.
But you simply can’t let a man just take sexually. It can’t go on like this. Assume hes not going to change.
Hes content with the way things are.
Too bad you are so tied to him, living there.
Of course you don’t want to break up. You love him. But this will get old. Don’t get pregnant.
Make sure you are working on your own education and career. Save your money.
Eventually, you will have to leave him over this. Young and in love only lasts so long, someday you will be a mature woman and will want more.
Raven
How are his kisses?
Honeypie
What did you mean it hurt him when you were on top? His body? His penis? Are you over weight? Sorry to be blunt but I’ve never come across a man who doesn’t like a woman on top
Absolutely not
“…but he likes doing anal with me much more than vaginal…”
Honey, sorry to tell you this but the guy’s gay. I’m sure you’re fabulous friends and love each other, but physically you have nothing he is looking for.
Maybe he thought he could keep up the facade even after you moved in, but then realized he couldn’t. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the “wincing” was just an act to bolster his argument.
That said, why are you continuing to service him nightly when he he won’t return the favor? Why are you doing that to yourself?
I think you should move out and find a regular ol’ straight guy to date. At you won’t be able to keep his hands off ya!!
Amelia
He doesn’t like penetrative on him is what I meant. He says he prefers anal because it’s tighter and feels better. But when we do it he does like to look at me so it’s not like he wants me to face away. I can’t have kids without help because I have some serious medical health issues. When I’m on top it’s his penis that hurts and he says it just tugs his foreskin too much. I am overweight yes but I have never had a single guy ever complain about me being on top I tend to not rest any of my weight on the guy.
Amelia
His kisses are passionate and amazing. He likes to cuddle and he loves it when we cuddle and are looking at each other and I run me fingers through his hair. I’ve alwas lived in fear because I’ve always been in abusive relationships and this is the first one where he is kind and loving rather than demanding and manipulative. That’s why I’m scared of his reaction. I shouldn’t be but loosing this guy would really be the death of my heart. I’ve never met a man whom likes to involve me in everything. He wants us to do everything together. He’s not gay at all I know that much. He’s not at all feminine doesn’t give guys a second look or anything like that. I know plenty of gay guys I’m friends with and they even know he’s not gay. I’m not worried about that. I just don’t know how to broach it with him.
Kate
Dear amelia ! You really need to talk to him about it openly.Communication is always the key to any kind of problem.You can’t go on like this right! Otherwise you won’t have posted here.He loves you,understands you ,then he willing understand this too,You guys could seek professional help too. Best of luck! And never be afraid to leave him if he still doesn’t understand or try for you.Because no matter how much we like a person.There could be another perfect man waiting for us too.and most importantly don’t rely on someone.Be independent in every aspect and know that Only you are most important to you,And you are enough for yourself.
Kate
Willing _will *
Amelia
Thank you. All of you it’s just sort of confirmed I need to talk to him about it and it’s not me. I’ve not had good experiences with men and I’m just getting used to being with someone in a nice caring relationship and I didn’t know if I was being mean.
Bre Me
Im glad your going to talk to him. Remember ask enough questions, repeat the same questions if need be to really get a good understanding of his issue. For him to demand sexual acts from you but give little in return is selfish. Also you are still very young. 21 is for exploring learning and growing. Dont be so concerned about settling down. Cause see with more time you will learn to never hide what your needs are from any man. If you need something from him he needs to be the first person you ask, he’ll should always be willing to fulfill you in every way. And when you say, you do everything together go everywhere together ect. Im sorry but that doesnt qualify a good man. When I was in my early 20’s me and my best friends did everything together. Being loved, honered respected, appreciated, heard, cherished, secure ect are things you want to fill. Not saying that you dont feel these things by him. Not tryna pick everything you said apart, I just want you to see the beauty in the fact that your young and still have plenty of time to find that forever guy and figure things out for yourself.
obvious or no?
It could be something medical. Just saying…
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