Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My boyfriend thinks i'm boring in bed??
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Kim.
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Wanda
Me (20F) and my boyfriend (19M) have been in a relationship for around 5 months now. Today he seemes a bit off and after insisting that he told me what bothered him he told me that i was getting boring in bed. When we met i was a virgin (he was my first time) while he had dated around with other girls (never had serious relationships with them) and i am his first serious and committed girlfriend (which is fine, there is a first to everything). Him telling me that sent me spiraling into panic immediately because i am not that experienced and him telling me that he is doing all the work upset me quite a bit even though it’s true. I am not much of an initiator and i am more of a “pillow princess”, plus I’m not knowledgeable in bed almost at all which makes me a bit insecure. What can i do/what can i try with him that will be new and fun for both of us/where should i learn from? Should i try watching porn or something?
Raven
@Wanda, your BF is a jack@ss!
Maddie
While this may be a reasonable concern for him if things aren’t feeling compatible in the bedroom, the way he brought it up is indeed solid jack@ss territory. The caring way to broach this issue is for him to tell you what he’s into, ask if you want to try something different like starting with switching positions, and communicate with you about exploration and what you *both* may enjoy and feel comfortable trying out (and maybe that does involve watching porn together for inspiration, but that’s a little tricky and not always the best idea if the impossible porn standards will make you feel insecure).
I don’t care that he’s slept with a few other people before you, you’re not them and we’re always still learning, especially at your age! So him not telling you what was wrong and then BLAMING YOU is immature and not caring.
Now, he is 19, you’re both very young, he may not be experienced enough in a relationship to realize you don’t treat your SO like that. So, is he open to learning that there are far more respectful ways to solve this problem that will bring you closer instead of hurt your trust and connection (which is what he’s done)? Or is he super into porn and fantasy rather than into you and who you actually are?
Also, the bedroom problems often reflect difficulty with emotional connection or communication happening outside of the bedroom. Is this the first disagreement you’re having, or does the relationship usually feel tense? Disagreements in relationships are normal and good because they give you an opportunity to observe if you two can fight fair and resolve problems together. A relationship that’s only good in good times and totally crumbles at the first sign of disagreement (or worse, there’s never disagreement because someone’s bottling up resentment) isn’t going to last.
The only reason I’m suggesting you talk to him more to figure out as a team what’s going on and how you can improve things in the bedroom instead of writing him off as a jerk is because young and inexperienced people make dumb decisions in relationships and need the experience to learn. But if you talk to him about this and he doesn’t want to put in any effort on his end or keeps blaming you or you feel pressured to do anything you don’t actually want to do because you think it’ll keep him happy, then it’s time for you to LEAVE his disrespectful @$$!
M
Yes, everything Maddie said. Bolded and highlighted.
You’re young and have the whole of your beautiful life ahead of you! You don’t need this crap. If he doesn’t step up or can’t step up and be kinder, more respectful and more resourceful, don’t waste your time (and regret years of your life like I did). There are literally thousands (if not millions!) of amazing guys out there right in your vicinity, who will show you a much better time in life and more kindness and respect.
More than that even, there’s a whole beautiful world out there that is yours for the taking and enjoying. Sex is only one small part of it. A fun part, and important ultimately, I’ll give you that! But so so limited in terms of how loved and fulfilled you can be that this brilliant age you’re at!
He’s got you obsessing about something in an unhelpful way. I get why you’re thinking the way you are, I’ve been there too.
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s just immature because of his age. But in general his comment reeks of selfishness and unkindness and being an idiot in general. Again, maybe because he’s young.
But still doesn’t bode well. Not a great representation of his character.
What happens when you become super-skilled in bed? Will that be enough to keep him from being bored in the long run?
What’s troubling about his attitude is his comment suggests he’s not part of the equation in his being bored.
Wanda, my wish for you is to see what a small role this guy is playing in the wider stage of your whole beautiful life, now and ahead of you.
Did he actually call you a “pillow princess” and tell you he was “doing all the work”? I’m praying that these weren’t his words! Especially the labelling!
Sweetie, you gave him such a beautiful and precious compliment by allowing him to be your first. Be secure and happy with yourself. There are many aspects to sex, but great sex never happens with the kind of energy and mentality he’s bringing to the table (or bed)!
Again, maybe because he’s young and immature. But I can tell you right away he’s not nearly as experienced and skilled as he thinks he is. And he has ALOT of learning to do himself – I’d venture to guess, it’s way more than you.
If anyones got a solid reason to feel insecure, it’s him.
Anyway, read what Maddie said, she says it perfectly and succinctly. And if he doesn’t respond well, repeat read what Raven says until you feel sick to call him your boyfriend.
You might want to think carefully about whether he deserves the title of boyfriend in your life.
You have so much ahead of you! So much to be excited and happy and thrilled about it. This is just the beginning of your fantastic life ahead! And you need fantastic friends to help you along the way!
Hope he steps up. If not, you know what to do….
Sending you love! 😘❤️💖🌟
Be amazing! And not because of what you do or don’t do in bed. Just simply because of who you already are Wanda! I don’t know you personally, but I know you have that potential inside of you because we all do. And you’re the kind of person who seeks out answers and tries to better herself and grow, so I know when you apply this to all areas of your life, you’re going to fly!Choose a guy who has what it takes to soar alongside with you. You’ll know he’s the one when he supports you and helps you fly higher so you can enjoy the amazing beauty of the skies together… 🌟💖✨
Rubi
He approached this in an imature way. He was your first, of course you wouldn’t know anymore than you have with him.
His job here is to teach you. You can start on top slowly and if he has some experience he can guide you on how to do it. If you’ve never given him oral sex before you can try that first. Nobody is born knowing. Everybody started off somewhere. Do not watch porn, not yet anyway as it is extremely exaggerated.
You should be learning from one another, I can assure you that he hasn’t touched the right spot on you yet either that has blown your mind. With time you will know what excites YOU and you’d be teaching HIM. I don’t think he’s a jerk he just doesn’t have the correct communication skills and it’s hurting your confidence. Instead he should have said to you, that he wants to try something and ask you to trust him. From then he can guide you into things. Way more fun.
You’re young yes and the relationship is fairly new but that’s a good thing for there’s so much things you guys can do together. Sex is vast, you can have the make love nights where he’s on top most times and things are slowed down, then you can have the adventurous nights, where there’s different positions, and different pace and different locations, futher down the line toys can be introduced. So many things.
If you want to develop a wonderful relationship my advice is to have communication on EVERYTHING. Just talk to him openly.
M
PS Also, it’s worth bearing in mind that the pre-frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until the age of 25 (if what I’ve read is correct).
This means it’s a lot you’re asking of each other at your ages. Maybe because you caught him off guard in explaining when you pushed for an answer that day, he handled it so poorly. It’s great that he’s honest but there’s honesty and there’s just plain bad manners, cruelty and idiocy.
So, think carefully about his tendencies and character in general. You might be able to overcome the bedroom situation, but you can’t escape a persons inherent character traits. Even at the very young age of 19 you’ll be able to see if he’s a kind person in general or not.
Cassy
He’s such a jerk! if he is unhappy let him teach you something. but you shouldn’t worry about it, there will be another guy with whom you want to open up
Kim
You guys are both very young. His concern about spicing things up in the bedroom are valid, even at my age in my mid 30’s my husband has expressed things about this in the past to me. Your boyfriend did it in a very immature way though.
Instead of saying that you are boring he should tell you what he’s into sexually and he can teach you if you are comfortable with it. You guys are in a fairly new relationship as well so you have plenty of time to work on those things, but your boyfriend needs to do it in a respectful way if not show him the door and you can find someone who is respectful towards you.
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