Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › My ex is being petty even though he wanted to break up???
- This topic has 19 replies and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by
Alice.
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Alice
Long story short, I was with a guy exclusively for almost 8 months, somewhat long distance (about an hour and a half away). Overall, the relationship was healthy and just….good. But these last few months he lost interest. I did not lose interest, but I did have this strong sense of disconnection and I think we both played a role as after the “honeymoon” period faded, we kind of just let things settle and became complacent, and the spark was gone. We had a good talk about it and I appreciate his honesty. He was mature and respectful and honestly, I think it was a conversation we needed to have. He suggested going on a break for a couple weeks, and after that, if that didn’t help, he wanted to try from another angle and really go all in because he knew I was a great girl for him and wanted to make things right.
Of course, the break did not help and just separated us further, to the point where he lost motivation to try and fix things. At this point, I was no longer going to wait at his mercy and I told him either we meet up face to face and figure out a game plan for how we were going to fix things, or I needed to leave. He didn’t want to fix things, so I told him I could no longer be in this relationship. Basically, dumped him before he dumped me. He started getting upset/almost angry (mind you this was all over the phone due to distance) and told me he didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be his friend LOL. I told him he didn’t want to fight for our relationship so of course I wouldn’t want to be his friend. I heard him mutter “f***” as I was hanging up the phone. He did not want to lose me in his life, but he also obviously doesn’t value me enough to work on our relationship, so I was done.
It’s been two days and I feel like he’s starting to act petty, which is totally out of character for him! He’s following girls on social media and he made me “restricted” on facebook meaning I’m still friends with him but can’t see any of his posts unless they’re made public. I swear, he is trying so hard to get a reaction from me. But my question is….why? This is what he apparently wanted. He didn’t want to be with me. So I am trying to let him go. So why is he acting so immaturely all of a sudden??
Raven
Just de-friend him & be done with it…
Alice
I’m contemplating it if this is how he’s going to act. But I just do not understand why he is suddenly acting like this. I feel like he wants a reaction from me but if he doesn’t want to be with me then what is the point? There is none in my eyes.
Molly
Hi Alice
I’m sorry about the situation you’re going through. You ask why your ex is behaving this way and in my opinion, sometimes we just can’t figure out men.
I think he’s being immature, indecisive, and possibly insecure. I mean, you said that he thinks you’re a great person but maybe he feels like he’s not good enough for you.
However, I applaud you for being strong! If he continues playing around like this and if your feelings for him are diminishing, I suggest you stop contacting him and wait for a guy you deserve.
Molly
I also think he just want attention, from other women and you, since you dumped him. Maybe it hurt his ego as a man…but he doesn’t seem to be growing up
Alice
Hi Molly, thanks for your input.
So I left these details out because they’re not really necessary since we are broken up and it is what it is, but basically, he thinks I am so great and that I was such a great girlfriend to him, and he’s been beating himself up over the fact that he lost feelings. He’s also really hard on himself and puts a lot of pressure on himself, and thinks that he should be in love by a certain point and that he needs to be married at a certain point. I told him last time we talked that he can’t be putting this type of pressure on himself, and he needs to just let things be and progress naturally. But he can’t help it.
Maybe he is unsure, but I feel like if it’s meant to be, I need to walk away and let him realize that on his own. I can’t just sit and wait for him to want this. Since breaking up on Monday, I have not contacted him whatsoever and he has not contacted me. This petty behavior just started today and seriously made me go wtf???
Phillygirl
He is acting this way because he doesn’t really want you, but wants you in some way,,,on HIS terms. It’s like a toddler who doesn’t want to play with a toy and puts it down, and only wants it when someone else picks it up.
He wants to keep you on a string (tether) so he can reach out for an ego boost, casual sex, or attention when he’s bored. That’s why he’s angry. You took your ball (YOU), and went home (LEFT HIM). He doesn”t have the control any more
He’s immature.
Delete and block him. He’s a waste of time and wondering what he’s thinking and doing is an even bigger waste
Alice
Hi Phillygirl
Thanks for your advice, and you are totally right. I guess it just saddens me because this is so out of character for him, I can’t believe he’s stooping to this level.
Phillygirl
It’s not out of character sweetie. You are just now seeing who he really is. Good riddance
Phillygirl
I bet there were plenty of signs before. You just ignored or excused them
Nat
Alice, he is hurt, feels rejected, angry. He is acting like a little boy but he hasn’t done anything terrible, at least not yet. Give him a break, we are all human.
It takes around three to realize that the breakup is for real. If he is a nice man, after his anger has lessened, he’d respect your decision given how he said he feels about you.
Give him time, stay in no contact.
Alice
Phillygirl,
Surprisingly no. He’s always been open, honest, and mature. This was the healthiest and most easy going relationship I had ever been in. I am stunned if this is his true colors. I suppose he’s upset because he lost me from his life, and things are on my terms now, but this is just no excuse. I feel like he is purposefully trying to hurt/get a reaction from me and it’s like he turned into a toddler overnight.
Alice
Hi Nat,
Thank you. I WAS hoping that some time apart would help. But honestly if this is how he’s going to act…ugh. It’s just pushing me farther away. I can understand that he may feel rejected, but he didn’t want to put in the effort to make our relationship better, so how can he expect me to just settle for friendship when he knows how much I care about him? I am a little flattered he cares this much, but at the same time, he no longer wanted to be in the relationship. I am just trying to pick myself up and move forward to the best of my ability.
Lane
I don’t think he’s being petty or immature. You broke up and he’s looking at new options: Your ego is bruised and your looking for anything he does to show that he still cares, but he doesn’t or he would be fighting for you:
When you let a man go you have to be fully prepared to let him go as in good bye forever. You stalking his social media shows your not ready to let go and are holding onto hope he will com. A I, but h hasn’t, and they the sign for you to close the door, take some time to heal, and g t on with your life so you can eventually meet the man your meant to be with,
Lane
As a side note; I shouldn’t have said he doesn’t care as I’m sure he’s hurting too , but he doesn’t care enough to continue with this relationship and they the distinction you need to accept and fully move on with. I would stop stalking and looking for signs that aren’t there. Breakups suck and healing goes faster if you take the “out of sight, out of mind” approach.
Alice
Hi Lane, thank you for your input. Originally I noticed because I was still following him on social media, but have since unfollowed him because I realized it’s only upsetting me and is not productive.
He does care about me in the sense that he wants me to remain in his life, and he was definitely hurt that I do not want to stick around. But I can’t help but feel this behavior is petty of him. He definitely noticed me following other people yesterday, as it was a snow day and I was going a bit social media crazy, so I feel he is trying to respond to upset me. There’s no need to put me on restricted, because he did not delete me (which takes less effort than putting me on restricted) and all he does is share videos and political posts, so it’s not like he’s trying to hide anything from me. I just feel as though it’s out of character for him and he’s trying to get a reaction from me, but I am forcing myself to remain neutral and unresponsive.
But you are right that I should probably cut him out entirely. It’s hard because I care about him a lot and I am trying to just remain neutral, but it seems as though he truly is doing these things to get a reaction from me. I admit I do act and think from my emotions, but I am making it a point not to react in any way.
Lane
I understand…it takes time to get through the emotional tidal waves of a break up but they do end. I remember when I accidentally friended my ex husbands girlfirnd. Honestly that day I worked in 100 plus degree heat framing a house for Habitat for Humanity and when I was done posted it on FB with a picture of out crew. I had no clue I hit that friend button and when I got home and crashed (took a nap) i woke up to angry texts from my ex!
I apologized…told him I had no idea how it happened and had no desire to be her friend. Apparently he thought blocking me would fix it…but here’s he rub, I had no clue he had blocked me for almost six months! When he and his GF broke up he texted me something, we talked, and I told him I thought it was odd that he didn’t post anymore…that’s when I found out he blocked me lol.
I told him his blocking did nothing as his now ex GF still showed up on “people you may know” and we had a good laugh about it…all has been fine since then. What I’m trying to say is It takes awhile to not care but eventually you’ll get there
Crisula
I would say he likes you very much, but he wants his cake and eat it too.
Good for you for breaking it off..Go NC…now that you have made it final in his mind…he has had time to think and may realize that he screwed things up.
If you want him back, you can not break NC. He will once again take you for granted and think that you just threaten to leave, but will eventually come back, regardless of how he treats you. If he really wants you…he will not disappear or take off with somebody else.
NC will also help you put things in perspective…maybe you will realize that you can do without him after all.Alice
Hi Lane, thank you for This. It definitely helps a lot. I’ve been through heartbreak before and I know eventually, somehow, it does get easier. I guess most of my pain stems from the fact that we had a very healthy, generally happy relationship until all this started to happen. He didn’t want to fight for it, which hurts but I am doing the right thing and walking away. It just saddens me that he’s trying to push my buttons when I’m just giving him what he wants lol.
Maybe time apart is what he needs to get his head on straight and really, truly appreciate me. But how he’s acting is turning me off and in the meantime I need to focus on myself. But it’s hard when he’s trying to get a reaction from me.
Alice
Hi Crisula,
Whoops I am just seeing this! Thanks for your input. I agree with you. I feel like he’s doing these things to get a reaction from me. But I am forcing myself to fight it. Inside I just want to curse at him for everything but I try my best to keep distracted and maintain my life outside of him.
I myself was not in love with him yet either. But I wasn’t freaking out about it like he was! He did say he wanted to just be friends, and while it’s great he cares about me, I refuse to settle for something that will make me so much more miserable than cutting him off will.
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