My husband is talking to his ex

Thanks TallSpice. I trust him, but also I was the girl he cheated on her with, I always liked to think that I won. From everything his friends say about her, he was in the wrong to break up with her and it was rough on her. I just wish he wouldn’t respond back to her and let it end. I know I should trust him and I do, it just annoys me.

Well you won a cheater. Its amazing to me she texts him after he married but who knows what she is thinking. She problem with cheaters is that they are prone to cheat

Of course you should be concerned. You have first hand knowledge that he lies and has been deceptive in the past. Also – healthy relationships don’t normally start with deeply selfish choices BUT – if you’re relationship is what it should be now – you should be able to talk to him about anything. Do y’all readily admit how f-ed it was that your whole relationship began with lies and deeply selfish choices? Watch and wait. If it remains concerning or his behavior seems off – sit him down and communicate.

But he cheated on her to be with you? Emotionally or physically? Or he ended it with her to be with you? Before anything started except some interest?

Working together is actually irrelevant.

And how unhealthy to start a relationship where you think you won. Literally sad and gross. Healthy people dont think this way. When you start a relationship that way, you can always unwin. And it sets you up as always competing.

Jeez! Why are people always so harsh to the “other woman”? The OP didn’t come here to be criticised for how her relationship started. She is feeling uncomfortable with her husband talking to his ex. Yes i guess it’s relevant that their relationship started as an affair and thats why the OP gave us that information, but i don’t think its fair to be so off because of this.

OP – you are anxious over this because you still have some feelings about how you got together- maybe guilt? The fact that he left you for her means you are anxious that she might “steal” him back. I get why. I get why people have commented as they have one because the adage goes once a cheater always a cheater … if he cheats with you, he can cheat on you. That may be true of some men that have cheated but if he hasn’t given you cause to doubt him in 5 years and he isn’t hiding their messaging then you are going to need to decide you trust him and leave it alone or that you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him then you two have some work to do because a marriage without trust is just no good at all.

So, its decision time. You need to honestly reflect on whether this was a different ex, one he had not left to be with you, would you feel so anxious?

Best of luck xx

No we don’t know.

Something to think about: you, by definition show yourself to be untrustworthy as a person when you engage in cheating (either as the cheater or the person they are cheating with). And then you wonder why there is no trust. Good relationships need trust which is usually not on the table by definition.

That is because there is a choice. End the other relationship – even quickly and harshly should you need to before engaging in something new.

I would be concerned. Why is she reaching out to him? I would put my cards on the table and find out why he did not share that with you to begin with?

Sorry. Meant to put @K and anyone else that may feel the replies are harsh. To the OP of course we hope the best for you for fidelity and peace. But a dose of possible realism is always a healthy thing as well.

He’s probably just replying to her because he feels badly about how things ended. They clearly meant a lot to each other at one point, then at the end knew they were over, but struggled to let go without a “reason” (ie meeting someone else).

But I’m sure he wishes there had been a cleaner and less hurtful break.

If you trust him, then go ahead and trust him now. He’s most likely just trying to be kind.

@K “It would be very unusual at this point for him to regret the divorce and seriously want her back. I don’t think you have a whole lot to worry about.” How can you possibly know that? You’re making as many assumptions about the OP’s situation as anyone else here.

It trips me out to see people willingly spend time reading and posting on a message board only to complain about how $hitty it is, or how crappy the other posters are. If you don’t like it, don’t post. Easy. There are lots of other boards out there that may be more to your liking.

I mean, it’s an anonymous internet message board, so it’s just people giving their opinions. None of us are trained, licensed therapists (to my knowledge anyway). So of course it’s people projecting their “stuff”. It’s ridiculous to somehow expect it to be otherwise. People base their opinions on their personal experience.

The OP has actually given very little information. We don’t know the context of how she discovered the messages (whether he told her upfront or if she saw them and confronted him), the content (if she was able to read them), whether or not there have been other issues, and if she feels her husband is trustworthy…if you felt you trusted your man 100%, would you come ask a bunch of strangers on an online message board their opinions? Probably not. So it’s natural for people who respond to reach certain conclusions.

K, You may be cracking up at T’s advice, but I’m cracking up at yours! You just made the most judgmental post about how this site is  “largely the same group of people saying the same things over and over. And it tends to be their stuff projected onto an OP.” If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black! I just know what the Bible says…”Judge not, that you be not judged.” And of course the best part of this verse, Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.  I strive to be a better person every day but every day I fall short of the glory of God. 

I think there is a fine line between giving your opinion and judging someone. What’s so hard about the format of this forum is because we are all anonymous and don’t know each other, we know nothing about this person’s character or positive attributes except for what they tell us and how they come across to us. Because we have such limited information from Karen, we focus on what she’s told us,  “I was the girl he cheated on her with, I always liked to think that I won.” For all we know Karen could be knitting blankets for the homeless, serving them in a soup kitchen, going on mission trips giving vaccinations to sick children, etc. But we don’t know any of that. So instead we look at the situation and make up our mind, judge her as you say, based on the fact she had a relationship with a man she knew was with another woman and when he broke up with her it really hurt her. We then sympathize with the person who was hurt in all of this and judge Karen for her part in it. It’s like some of you are wanting Karen to get the Karma she deserves, and the ex messaging her husband is a little bit of that. 

The fact is we must use our judgment about situations every single day. Are we always right? No. Should we practice more forgiveness and love in our daily lives? Yes. Should we realize we’ve all made mistakes and bad judgment and be more kind to others? Yes.

Karen, I think you were very brave to come on here and admit to the affair knowing how people were going to react. You were young, 25, when you met and you’ve been together for 5 years. I don’t think it’s unreasonable given the circumstances that you tell him how you feel and ask he not be in contact with her. I think it’s reasonable if he feels bad and wants to apologize for the way things ended and his part in it he should. But after his apology he needs to tell her he can’t be friends. If they haven’t spoken in 5 years and the two of you are happily married, I see no reason for them to rekindle a friendship now. 

@Kaye… Big difference between an opinion and a judgment. ;) I have an opinion about what goes on here. I observe what some people say and knowing their back story, it’s my opinion they’re projecting some of their stuff sometimes. It’s my opinion we could use some fresh perspectives here at times. I don’t have a judgment about it. I didn’t say that karma’s going to get them, etc. I don’t think they’re bad or wrong. And I’m not looking for them to show remorse for what they’ve done, LOL. That’s the difference between opinion or judgment. You’re also confusing judgment with discernment and choice, but I don’t see any point in spending my time writing more here.

And with that… I’m off this thread.