My Husband Just Confessed to Cheating on Me

You need to deep down ask yourself if you can truly forgive him and trust again.
My ex cheated on me, and I stayed, never trusted him again, lost my love for him and the relationship devolved.

Counseling is probably a good idea to figure out why he cheated, and how you as a couple can provide a solution to prevent it from happening in the future.

I would not tell family and friends as they can create a vortex of hate and negativity that can tow you under. But know you are not alone, and it wasn’t “you”. That’s why you need counseling and a neutral party.

I regret not getting counseling. In my case, I went it alone and didn’t tell anyone, because I hated the toxic nature of conversation among friends and family of people who had been betrayed. Therefore, I blamed the cheating on a shortcoming of myself.

The reality- hindsight- my ex thrives on attention and I thrive on solitude, but truly loved and respected each other. We were in the wrong relationship. It took 3 hard years post cheating to figure that out. I think counseling would have ended it much more quickly and easily.

Don’t say a word to anyone. Keep private things private for now. Try to work through this for the kids. For now. How did he happen to tell you?

If he was sorry, shouldn’t he have kept you from the pain and simply stopped?

Hmm.

Thank you for all the kind words and support. He told me in our bedroom after I’d put the twins to bed. He was very apologetic. I think he was afraid I would pack my bags and leave the minute I heard. But I couldn’t even say anything, couldn’t even move. I told him I needed to be alone and he left the house. He’d texted me that he’d slept at our mutual friends house – I am not sure our friend is aware of the situation. He’d come back the next night and I couldn’t control the anger I felt. I yelled and he just took it, apologized some more. He told me he didn’t mean to hurt me, that he loved our girls. I don’t know why but I asked details about the woman. It didn’t help me feel better to know they’d met on tinder. Which means he’d actively sought her out, it wasn’t like an accident. I’ve calmed since then but I feel such a great sadness that I can’t describe. It’s as if something has died inside me. I do want us to work out. I think counseling is a good idea and I will move forward with that. I don’t know how I could ever forgive him, but I think moving forward as husband and wife has to be the best thing for our kids, and for me, honestly.

I know you must be destroyed but take heart. He came to you and told you when you would have never been any the wiser, so he knows he messed up big and he truly wants to fix it. That’s good. I know several couples who survived affairs with stronger marriages afterward. In some cases like this it’s a cry for attention and help. Definitely get the aid of a counselor. Sorry this happened, wishing you a good outcome.

Pam if you want to be this cynical about it, it could be because he wanted to tell her himself before someone else told her.

If my SO makes a mistake and has a one-nighter or very short and I mean very short fling then I’m with you, I don’t want to know and it’s your cross to bear not mine. But in some cases like I think this one is, he needed to tell her, she needed to know so they can work together to repair what the underlying issue is in the marriage.

Jenny
I have been on both ends of the cheating card. and trust me. You don’t just confess indiscretions. Unless you want a reaction or you want to mitigate risk and the other party cheating with you threatens to expose you. We don’t know his motive. Perhaps that is what she should ask. I also find that most people who cheat only tend to admit to portions of it. Some people cheat and are perfectly happy with a spouse. I had an affair with a married man, and I was married too, for years. And he’s admitted that he had ongoing affairs through out their marriage. I don’t know if she knew or not, I didn’t care. But some people do better when they have someone on the side.
In this case I feel it was a mild indiscretion I’d love to know why anyone thinks it is I need her best interest to know. He flaunted he had sex with another woman.

I agree with Jenny. Had he not confessed they would have both lived in a marriage drifting apart. Now they can at least have a chance to see if they can address the underlying issues.

When a man is remorseful and willing to risk losing her, that shows he wants to fix things.

Selfish is when they admit it and don’t give a crap.

Hi Maryland,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can’t even imagine how you must feel.

One thing that struck me in your initial message is how you are “assuming he wants to make it work”. Was he clear that he wants to work on things with you?

Otherwise, you need to think of what is best for you. If you have a friend or family member you can confide in that would respect your decision to work on things or to leave, it may help you process your emotions. I just know I could not keep a burden like that to myself, but that’s me.

Jenny
I continue live in the US at the moment, and I fully agree there are a lot of reasons for cheating. I would never flaunt it or admit it to a husband or lover. Unless I had an ulterior motive. I don’t know this situation. Maybe the OP can share whether or not he was at risk to get caught or not, I’m of the opinion that if infidelity doesn’t mean anything and is just a release, nothing good comes from telling your significant other, I’ve sustained very committed relationships and had a few affairs on the side, it wasn’t because I was unhappy at home. It was because most people crave variety. I could never see myself marrying an affair anymore than he could me. Land posed the other day about a big lunch she went to and that all the couples, including those with SO’s didn’t think relationship oils sustain more than 10years of bliss. So what I am
saying isn’t outside of what your own American woman did a poll and validated me. Apparently American relationships fail because you try too hard to avoid the fact that both men and women get off on having extra relationships that usually don’t mean anything but proved a nice buffer that makes us appreciate and stay with a spouse. Of course, if the spouse confessed to cheating I question the real motive.

Pam, I agree with what you said. There must be a motive behind this confession, but not necessarily a bad one. In OP’s case, her husband might think he is done with cheating and he has put an end to it. Case closed. That’s why he confessed. If it is still going on, he wouldn’t.

C
I disagree. It’s called deflection. If I confess to one discretion I can bury all the others. I don’t know these people, but I do know human nature. And I have lived in these situations. Many times people’ confess to the lesser charge to get off. This is a common tactic outside of dating and in the courtroom or law system. Fess up to lesser charge and the big charges will get dropped.

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I too would like to know WHY he confessed. How long ago was the affair? He did go actively looking for it, so it is not a moment of temptation, it is a decision that he has made.

If he TRULY REGRETS what he’s done and told you because he is trying to get rid of his feelin of guilt then he it is a very cruel thing to do to you. Now it is your problem, and a big one. After cheating things will never be the same.

If he is afraid that more things would come out, for example that he’s been doing it several times and this time that women threatened him or someone saw them or something of this type, and then decided that it is better to tell you about ONE affair.

Either way it is a horrible situation for you to be in. You will never trust him again, the integrity of your marriage is broken. That’s why my HB and I decided that we will not do it to each other. We decided that it is not the physical infidelity that breaks people but the fact that you cheated, betrayed your partner. For example, them sleeping with someone else and YOU, without you knowing, you are being put in a very humiliating position. In open marriages people decide whether they would continue to sleep together during this time or not. We decided that we won’t. While we are with someone else we won’t sleep with each other. But it is still very difficult and I am still quite nervous about potential blow back.

Most women can’t forgive cheating. It strikes too deep on too many levels. But you can still salvage your marriage. For example, why don’t you negotiate an open ticket for yourself. You might not use it but you’d have it and knowing this would liberate yourself from feeling humiliated.

I read somewhere that on average it takes 3 years to get over cheating PROVIDED that the partners who cheated is very patient and takes the full responsibility for what they did.

Counselling might help in this situation. You need a third party who’d tell your HB that he needs to take full responsibility. It should not be you.

But I also have bad news. Once you cheat, it is easier to do it again. So this beings me to the question of why he confessed in the first place.

However, if there is true friendship underneath your marital relationship, this can and will make your marriage stronger. You will never love him the same way again, he has lost your love, you will understand it later, but you can still have a very strong unbreakable bond after this, if you manage things carefully.

The bottom line, he needs to drive things. I’d ask all sorts of questions, I would want to know all the details, to analyse things properly, he might be lying, do not exclude this possibility, but then I’d tell him to show you how he can think he can fix this. Put it on HIM and observe him. If he fails to do anything, fails to apologize and express remorse, fails to suggest counselling, then you’d have to do all this yourself.

I am very sorry for what happened. Very sorry.