My Husband Just Confessed to Cheating on Me

My husband had an affair with my sister when our sons were 5 and 7. That was 17 years ago.

I never said a word to anyone. My parents don’t know. I did the right thing by keeping quiet. Life goes on.

I stayed married for ten years after that.

It was very good for the kids. We accomplished a lot as a family, really educated the kids and traveled, raised the kids to be very independent and ambitious.

I want that for you, if possible.

You need his help to raise the kids.

I, however, never really was sexually attracted to him after. I had to try to do my duty.

The entire thing I learned from this is that the kids need you to sacrifice for them no matter what. They will hate you and blame you if you divorce. They will hate you both.

It ain’t worth the kids hating you and being a single mom, trying to trust again, the next t thing you know, you are old.

I am very sorry this happened to you. It brings up lots and lots of emotions…anger, sadness, betrayal, depression, etc.

And the question of trust.

Look, you will not really feel better until the day you think he truly understands how much he hurt you. You feel you did not have a voice on this then and also now. You need him to validate how much this took from you so that you can learn to trust him again. I would speculate that he is not your friend…because friends have each others backs.

Right now you need to feel the grief and pain of loss..loss of the relationship you thought you had. Once you start to establish yourself again then you need to do the work of forgiveness. How to forgive…well that is why he needs to understand what this did to you…he needs to validate that this was a very big deal and there is big time fallout.

I think you will need someone to talk to…not family or friends but an impartial person. Like a counselor or pastor. There are counseling services based on ability to pay…look into that as well as your church. Write a journal of your feelings as they come up…it can help.

These are steps based on the fact you want to work through this. I can understand not wanting to break up a family.

You need to find out why he did not turn to you when the going got rough…that should have happened…he turned away instead…why? That is important to understand and help the healing process. It does not matter the details of the affair or the other woman…she was not the cause…the breach was from your husband…he chose this way instead of a lot of other ways to resolution…again why?

I would also get some books on this subject to help you understand what happened here and how people go about healing…

My best to you and your children…know that whatever happens it will in the end be ok.

I agree, red, that he needs to understand just how bad it hurts. But unfortunately most people, and especially men, only understand that when it is done to them. When they are cheated on and betrayed, then they know what it feels like, they experience it, then they can understand. Otherwise, in time, they would just get annoyed at YOU and start brushing things off saying “just get over it already, I apologized, I am sorry what else do you want”. People lack empathy big time and especially if it concerns their own interests and pleasures.

That’s why I suggest a primitive yet very effective method – do to him what he did to you and let him experience it. Or at the very least reserve the right to have an affair yourself when you have a chance. He has no right for your loyalty, and forgiveness comes at a price.

And also an interesting psychological “detail”, once you sleep with someone else your husband would want you MORE. He’d appreciate you more as a woman. To us, it is the opposite, we LOSE attraction and lose love, after the initial stirring up of anger and other emotions, we lose it for good, and in time we accumulate resentment, and not because of the physical cheating but because of betrayal and lying. But men seem to want us MORE. Biology at play I think. They need to compete…we need to feel secure.

Why did he confess? Can you give us an update on that?

I’m sorry this happened to you. It appears as if there was a huge elephant in your marriage that neither of you were addressing. Its really hard when the kiddos arrive a they consume so much of your time and energy—it can seriously impact a couple if this shift is not managed or planned well.

Back in the day families were ‘units’ where raising offspring was spread out and shared among others members to reduce the stress on parents. Do you have family and good friends nearby? If so I would lean on them for babysitting; spending a night here and there plus a weekend with grandparents, family members (siblings, aunts) and/or friends so you can unwind and not be so tired and worn out all the time.

This is one thing I wish I could have changed in my marriage; having more time away from the kids so I could unwind/de-stress from all the mom duties and have more fun time with my husband—just him and I. He was in the military so I didn’t haven’t family to rely on for that support and it definitely made me crankier and less fun to be around.

At this point I would try to seek out an intensive “boot camp’ style counseling. I’ve found couple counseling does not help men. It helps the woman as she vents about how crappy her husband is, how much he’s hurt her, how he doesn’t do this or that…all he hears is blah, blah blah blah as if you had absolutely nothing to do with how you got to where you are. Your relationship was deteriorating, you both ignored it, and he stepped out.

Do not ever revenge cheat…he will divorce you and you will feel crappier about yourself. I do agree that men who’ve never experienced that level of betrayal from a woman they loved are more apt to cheat. I only say this because my (now ex) husband’s first wife cheated on him with his best friend; he filed for divorce for that reason. My Bf’s second wife wanted an “open relationship” as he was in the Navy and out to sea for 6-9 months at a time; he divorced her for that reason as he told me there was no way on earth he was going to allow his wife to have sex with other men while he was away. I’ve known many other men to do the same–it just adds another whole layer of problems on the one’s you’ve been ignoring.

I suggest buying some self help books and find a forum or chat room for those who’ve been through it so you can find support with others in your position; preferably those with male and female members who’ve been through it and their marriage is back on track. I would also seek out a marital boot camp type program that’s activity based and has a high success rate—the cost of divorce would be far more expensive and painful v. trying to salvage your marriage and family. Again, I’m very sorry your going through this.

My husband seems to really want to make the relationship work, but when I asked him why he cheated, I couldn’t really get a straight answer – even less of a straight answer when I asked him why he confessed to cheating. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear, but his responses made me uneasy. He didn’t blame himself for cheating – he kept saying his coworkers pushed him to do it while they were out drinking.

At least once a week my husband goes out drinking with his colleagues after work. He always lets me know and he only stays an hour before calling to say hes getting on the bus back home. In retrospect I never thought he would be lying about drinking with his friends and cheating on me instead…. When I was pregnant he always went straight home after work and continued to do so many months post partem. In fact I encouraged him to start hanging out with friends again and sometimes they all come over afterwards to see our girls.

But my husband is telling me that a few of his male colleagues were on tinder and they “forced” him (jokingly) to download the app and that one of them took his phone and matched with another woman on tinder without his permission…. He said when he started receiving messages from the girl, he thought it would be “rude” not to respond and that he’d never meant it to go as far as it did.

I don’t know about all of you but I found this story thoroughly ridiculous. I asked to see the messages and he told me he deleted the application…..I asked him why he confessed to me that he cheated and he said he didn’t know. He said he loved me just as I was and that he just fell into peer pressure and that he was being stupid….

The fact that he is blaming his colleagues which I met many times makes me angry, but it also makes me feel like he is lying. The story just sounds ridiculous and my head is boiling over. It’s like every day I feel worse about this situation. I can’t believe its happening to me.

I also mentioned counseling and he was completely against the idea. Our church actually offers couples counseling for newlyweds but I’m sure they would make time for us – and he was totally against that too. He said this was something we should definitely deal with on our own…

Yeah he needs help. His coworkers pushed him into cheating. Really, does he have zero backbone?

I’d be worried if this is true, because what else can he be peer-pressured into? Fraud, drug use? What kind of co-workers does he have?

You’ve gotten some great advice and horrible advice – stay for the kids or even worse, go get revenge by cheating on him? Anne’s advice is usually harsh and bitter and she stayed in her marriage only for her children and Emma advice is all over the place and she’s in an open marriage and she and her husband have multiple lovers. Want to be like them??

Unfortunately the new details you’ve provided add another dimension. He claims he was forced to do it and doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his actions and refuses counseling? Ouch. That’s a problem. So maybe he only confessed so you didn’t find out another way.

Go to counseling yourself and get some clarity on whether you can stay in this marriage. Contrary to what Anne says, there are far worse things in the world than being a single mother. Kids DO know that their parents are unhappy and it can in some cases screw them up worse if you stay. You are young enough to start again and have a happy marriage with someone else who won’t do this kind of thing to you if you want to choose that.

I’m very sorry, this is a tough position to be in.

Your husband is a lying schmuck!

Blaming HIS stuff on his co-workers…
Not taking any responsibility…
Not wanting counseling…

Again, get a shark divorce attorney & take him to the cleaners!

Bedazzle, an teenager overeating and not knowing why and a grown man married with children unable to offer any explanation as to why he got onto Tinder and slept with a woman he met there are two entirely different scenarios.

I say, you can’t let him off the hook, he needs to be willing to be introspective and then share with you as to why he did this. Because if he is this easily manipulated, you need to just divorce him now because there will definitely be more problems of this kind and maybe worse problems of other kinds later on down the line. Until both of you understand why he did this, there is no working it out, if you ask me. If he doesn’t know why and can resolve the problem within himself and/or within the marriage that rendered him powerless in the face of his colleagues’ persuasion to download a dating site and cheat, it will without a doubt happen again. A guy who loves his wife and has a backbone would have laughed and told them no way and if they pressed would have gotten up and left. He’d also be looking for another job if this is what his colleagues are like. He didn’t want to be rude to the girl so he responded and then met her and slept with her all while he is married to you is the lamest excuse ever and if he wants to clear this and be able to continue with you he will have to man up and own that.

You need the whole story from him or this is not resolvable. My two cents.

oops, I meant CAN’T resolve the problem within himself…

Bedazzle, you told her not to push him as to why he did this. You and I disagree there completely. Which is perfectly fine.

I say if she backs off and lets him off the hook for addressing why he did this, they aren’t going anywhere and this is over. Because if there aren’t enough consequences and also no resolution to the root problem, he almost surely will do this again. I’m not saying she get in his face and demand answers this minute or else. They both may need a bit of a cooling off period before they can address this rationally.

Sex addiction comes in a lot of different shapes and forms. I agree it’s a slim chance that is the issue but I laid out ALL the basic root possibilities. I don’t know these people or their whole story nor am I a shrink, so it’s not my place to rule anything out or decide what is “ridiculous” in this case or not. It’s up to Maryland and her husband to work through it. Basically, either he’s got a problem that is about him entirely that she didn’t know about or he and she have a problem in the marriage.

My opinion comes from a lot of life experience and studying psychology as well. Since neither of us is a qualified, licensed counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist, we’re on equal footing. :)

Revenge cheating is not what I meant. I said ASK for an open ticket. Discuss it and make him feel the situation, i.e. what it is like to be on the receiving end. Those of you who feel it is up to you to evaluate others’ comments, the worst, the best, who has appointed you to be judges? Stick to YOUR opinion.

Maryland is going to go through emotional HELL. It will only get worse for her, there are things that do help to feel a little better. Attention from other men is one of those things. Whatever it takes to make her feel better should be considered. And it will not make things worse. At this point not many things can make the situation worse, other than the divorce. Once you break a vase, it doesn’t matter into how many pieces. But it does matter how much you paid for the vase. The cost of emotions. If you play a saint, the cost with be very high.

If her HB doesn’t even want counselling, then I don’t see a good resolution to the situation unfortunately. He should have been the one suggesting how to fix things.

Emma, how on earth is attention from another man going to make Maryland feel better or improve this situation? How could it not make this situation any worse? Two wrongs never make a right. Is it supposed to make him so jealous that he decides to never stray again or something? Does it even the score and that will help? Seriously, I’m really interested in your reasons for saying that because what you just advised makes zero sense.