My Husband Just Confessed to Cheating on Me

Half of a fresh apple is better than a whole rotten one.

You’re better off taking the kids and starting over than you are trying to make this work.

As a woman whose husband of 20 years tossed the marriage for a gal with a bigger bank account, I can tell you that I tried to trust him. I wanted to believe when he said it was “just a mistake”, that he “felt terrible” about it, that he “wanted things to work out”. And I believe he meant it at least at the beginning. But while I could forgive, I couldn’t forget. And neither could he. Even worse, he KNEW I couldn’t forget.

I know you feel bad. You feel like you’re giving up.

But here’s something you might not have considered:

Let’s say he genuinely feels bad for what he’s done. I don’t think that’s the case, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. He knows he’s been an arsehole.

He will continue to feel bad, EVERY time he sees you. EVERY time he looks at your kids. He will feel guilt and remorse. And it is going to make him feel like a failure.

What happens when men feel like failures? They reach out for validation elsewhere.

In other words, this isn’t going to be the only time he cheats, most likely. He will flirt with other women to prove to himself that he can make a woman feel good, not sad. And it will turn into an “oops!” again. And after a few times, he won’t even feel bad about it any more, because it will have become his coping mechanism.

So you’re not giving up here. You’re just being honest about the fact that what he has done is truly irreversible, and you’re better off leaving that pain behind and starting over than trying to “fix” something he has NO intention of fixing.

Dear All,

My husband and I will be getting a divorce. I now know the truth of what really happened, and there is no possible future wherein I can forgive or allow myself to work through this with a man who could do this to his family. I spoke to my pastor who was not very helpful. He tried to be supportive but overall stated he couldn’t be of much help without the both of us there together. He also told me that more than anything, I had to stay strong and stay with my husband for the benefit of our girls’ future. I was willing to go along with this, but now the situation is truly unsalvageable.

Our mutual friend cracked and told me the story of what really happened. For the sake of making this easier I will call him John. He called me Friday (my husband still has not been responding to my texts by the way) and asked if I was free for him to come over for a bit in the evening. When he came over he sat me down and told me that my husband did meet a girl on tinder about 7 months ago. That would be a few months after our girls were born. John told me he didn’t find out about the girl until a few months ago. She had become pregnant and my husband came to him and told him everything.

Apparently it was a casual encounter that turned into more than he bargained for. John told me that he had only had sex with the woman a few times before she claimed to be pregnant. My husband essentially cut the woman off after this, but not before urging her to terminate the pregnancy. The woman asked for 2,000$ to terminate the pregnancy. It became clear to my husband that he was being scammed. He refused to pay her the full amount and told her to take $500 or leave. I believe my husband assumed the woman was never really pregnant, because she took the money and was never heard from again, until about 4 weeks ago.

She messaged my husband on Facebook claiming she needed more money, that she had never terminated the pregnancy and was going to tell me, his wife everything if he did not pay her. Apparently when they were seeing each other, she did not know that I existed, but when she did research and found him on Facebook with details of his life, children, marriage, she began contacting him.

John showed me the screenshots that my husband sent to him when this was all happening. The woman sent my husband photos of her alleged pregnant belly, claiming she is 6 months along. Her face is in all the pictures so either it is an elaborate photoshop, a prosthetic stomach, or she is actually pregnant. Whether the child is my husband’s remains a mystery. In the messages my husband is an entirely different person, calling the woman the most foul and racist things, demanding a paternity test be done — to which the woman responded that the paternity test would cost “at lease 1,000$” and that my husband should give her cash for it. The messages are sporadic and at one point my husband says, “why didn’t you kill that baby” and “I better not see you because I will push you down the stairs”. I have never known my husband to be this type of person, this monster honestly.

The messages that were not screenshotted, John simply filled me in and told me that last weekend my husband met with her and paid her off in person. She was indeed pregnant and my husband told her that he never wanted to see her again and he never wanted her to contact her again or else he will file charges against her. Apparently he has not heard from her since then and he did not tell John exactly how much money he gave her.

If this story couldn’t get worse, John told me that he is stepping up and telling me the truth because my husband told him that he was deeply sorry and just wanted to fix his marriage, but John has just found out that my husband has been talking to yet another woman, this time via Facebook and sending her sext messages. When he found out about it he confronted my husband, and my husband told him it was nothing and that he would stop “today” but John said he knew better. John told me that he values our friendship and is sorry he kept this from me for so long, and that he thought it was in the best interest of the marriage if my husband just cut the other woman off and tried his best to mend things with me. But it became clear to John that my husband has not at all been putting an effort to mend our situation and even has the gall to speak with another woman.

I am truly over and done with this man. I am so shocked that I feel nothing. I can say though, that I am thinking clearly. There is no doubt in my mind that I rather suffer through a divorce while my children are still infants and will hopefully not have to go through the psychological strain of watching their parent’s marriage fall apart. This man does not love me. He has no respect for his wife, and for his family. I have no doubt that he loves our girls, but he does not respect this family and I truly want nothing to do with him. I cannot forgive John either, for keeping me in the dark so long, but I am happy to know now, who my husband really is. I am ashamed this was happening right under my nose – I am sad for my daughters that this is their father.

I am not stable financially because I have leaned on my husband for the past two years, and for that I am truly regretful. I do not know where to begin and cannot imagine the expenses of having a divorce, but I will tell you this — my husband WILL give me my divorce and he will take care of those divorce fees. Whatever happens after that I do not care at this point. I want our marriage ties to be severed as soon as possible. I do not know what roads lie ahead, but I know it will be hard. John is a tax lawyer, but he has connections to divorce lawyers and has promised to help me along this process. John told me he will tell my husband the news since he is still not answering my calls or text messages. We are assuming that he knows the jig is up.

More than anything, I feel sorry for our girls. I have no doubt that my husband loves them, and I do not know what lies ahead in terms of custody, but I do know that as their mother who has tended to them from the day they were conceived should receive the better end of any custody ordeal.

This is the most painful, most heartbreaking thing I have ever gone through in myself. I feel stupid for letting this happen, but I know I am not the bad guy. The only thing that matters is that our girls are happy, and they can’t be happy if their parents are living in a false and unloving marriage. No I do not love my husband anymore. I just can’t. He is not the man I married, and I truly truly never want to see him again.

I am a legal assistant and have filed many divorce cases. He will owe you child support beginning on the date the complaint for divorce is filed with the Court. So do it asap.

Also, the lawyer will file for your exclusive use of the marital residence, if you own a home. Are you renting, or own?

You are going to need a thousand dollars or more to retain the lawyer. Start getting that. I would even ask his parents for a loan, to be paid back by him as a final entry in the judgement of divorce which won’t happen until the very end, at least six months or more.

You need a couple thousand dollars now. Wish I could help you.

Any money you have in a joint bank account, you may spend now. After you file the complaint for divorce, that money will not really be available. So go to the bank today. Take out what you can.

Get a lawyer stat.

I am so very sorry. You cannot hide getting a divorce from people, you will need something to say to them. “We do not love each other anymore” should do it.

Get as much money as possible. Do not be mad at John…he did not know what to do.

Best of luck Maryland. Don’t be mad at John, he’s just the messenger and did you a huge favor by telling you the info you needed to know. He was caught in a tough spot being friends to both of you and your husband staying with him but yet he was on your side and stuck up for you vs your husband when it mattered. Honorable.

You will get thru this and be way better off. Divorce is not a bad thing but an answer to things gone wrong. Your girls will be in a better place than being subject to a daily unhappy household. You too will recover, grow and smile again. Take care.

Know that ppl are here to support you. GL