Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My Revenge on the Ghost Who Broke my Heart
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Harley.
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Anna
I got my heart RIPPED out over the summer. I met my ghost at a concert in the winter, and we were pretty fast into a relationship. I spent from late February until July with him and I genuinely was falling in love with him. He made me feel so wanted and alive. I knew that his ego was bigger than other men who I had dated, as he was a pro athlete and I knew very well that he could have the pick of almost any girlfriend that he wanted. But, he wanted me, and that was perfectly fine. We spent a lot of time together and talked a lot about the future. When summer hit us and we both had busier schedules and he had games a few times a week and was out of town a lot, our connection seemed to struggle. I was willing to hang on tight to him until it passed, but something made him let go. I went to a festival one weekend with my friends, much to his dismay, as I would be missing two or three games that he was playing in locally, but I was not going to miss the festival. That Friday night we texted while I was at the first night of the festival and I just felt like something was off. We said goodnight to each other as he had an early game. The next morning I woke up to his normal “Good morning, I miss you.” text, and we chatted for a while before he had to leave for the pre-game. I went on with the weekend and did not think much about him until Sunday night. Sunday nights were ALWAYS ours; the busy weekend was over, so we would come back together every Sunday night and reconnect. This happened every single week. Well, this July weekend, he never came back. I thought he wanted space, so I never texted or called him. The week began and I still never heard anything. More of the week wore on and I knew what was happening, and I felt like the worst thing that I could have done would have been to beg for his attention. I waited and waited for that text and nothing. A week passed, and then another week passed, and my heart felt sooooo heavy and sad. But I would not lose my pride by being the one to reach out. I let him go completely. I started dating someone else but he was literally on my mind every day. I saw him through Facebook, that all he was doing was playing ball and being busy as usual. But he looked happy and I was glad that he was okay. I was so angry that he did not have the decency to tell me he was done. I let the summer pass, and one night when I was particularly salty over him, around 7 weeks after we stopped talking, this is what I did.
I sent a simple, easy text message that said, “Hey, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that I up and disappeared on you. It was not nice of me to do.” That was it. That was all that it took for me to totally turn the tables on him. At this point I was still missing him but the ache had really worn off pretty much. I knew that it would dig at his pride to think that I had had the audacity to ignore him, and that in my eyes it was not the other way around. Boy…did this bring him begging for me to take him back.
It started slow. He responded very quickly with “What? Oh…it is okay I guess? But why did you do that?” And I just said, “It was not like me to do that and I am sorry.” Simple, and no reason given. He sent a couple of more texts over the next day. Then we went a week or two where I did not talk to him at all. And then he started texting me more and more, and calling. He was trying badly to get my attention again but I played it cool. Because honestly, I did not want him back, but I also did not want to give him the pleasure of thinking HE had hurt ME. He has since tried everything to get me back. I have slowly allowed him to spend a little time with me. I will respond when he texts, he has taken me out a few times, and we have had very light-hearted interactions.
I have no intention of being really serious with him again unless he changes big time. But at this point, I like spending a little time with him here and there and I am okay even if we are just friends. I guess it is not “revenge”, but it was the way that I took my own power back. I don’t regret it at all, even if it means I was playing games.
Khadija
I don’t regret it at all, even if it means I was playing games.
The thing about this statement is you didn’t take your power back. You had to manipulate him into thinking the break up was from your end. The real power is moving forward and not coming back for revenge or game playing.
It sounds like you have not learned much from this experience and you need to mature more.How would you feel if he reached out to you with the intentions you have for him?
I’m sorry to hear he broke your heart but, playing games and not being sincere will not get you far.
Boog
I have to agree with Khadija. Initially I expected you to say that you sent the message you did just to take a hit to his ego, and that when he started chasing you didn’t reply. However, it seems like this was less about revenge and more about finding some way to get back onto his radar.
To me, it seems pretty clear that you are still not over this guy, and although you say you are okay being just friends, I don’t really believe it. I think that there is a very high likelihood that you are going to get your heart broken again, and I think you should tread very carefully.
Vanessa
Well said, Boog.
Maria
Just be ready for HIS revenge now.
Do not sleep with him. For a very long time.
And better even, just move on, all these games will backfire. The guy is a jerk, isn’t he? Don’t forget, he did ghost on you, after several months of your relationships, so why do you even bother?
kaye
“I have no intention of being really serious with him again unless he changes big time. But at this point, I like spending a little time with him here and there and I am okay even if we are just friends.”
I think this says it all. You are not over this guy. You wanted him back and now you’ve got him trying everything to get him back. But at least you realize this isn’t revenge and you had to play games to accomplish it at the end of your post.
Just be careful with this because I can see you getting hurt again if you can’t be honest with yourself about what you’re really after here.
kaye
*to get you back
Phillygirl
So you realize you hurt his ego and that is why he is back. I don’t see how this is a win, because it isn’t.
The minute you would get real with him again he’d drop you like before. This is not how you take your power back.
I will reiterate what the others said. You win by NOT playing games. You win be recognizing your own worth, valuing yourself and never accepting bad behavior (from others and yourself).
You don’t play games and allow someone like this back in your life… Period.
But you learn from it, grow, and become a better person so you can meet a guy you deserve who deserves you. That is the only real way you win.
It’s sad to me that you see this is s victory, because he had more of a hold on you than you ever had on him. Love and hate are just 2 sides of the same coin and your reaction and behavior here just prove that.
Sparkle
So you realize that this is purely his ego and whatever caused him to ghost in the first place will happen again? You still have feelings for him and the more time you spend with him the more those feelings are going to grow. Why get hurt again when it can be prevented? You don’t want this to revolve around manipulation and games because trust me it ALWAYS backfires. Really think on this.
Leigh
Anna. I think you did an amazing job. You took the high road and apologized. Men are not use to that!! He responded and continues to respond. You feel empowered and strong. You feel not as attached and you can enjoy his appreciation towards you as a beautiful strong woman. Congratulations. That is how it is done.
Enjoy!!
Dee
Leigh did you read her post correctly? She had no reason to apologize in the first place. Maybe
I’m looking at it too technically. I just feel like if he ghosted the first time for reasons STILL unknown he is prone to do it again.Maria is right, DO NOT sleep with this man for a long while
Khadija
Leigh- Really did you even read what she wrote?
I’m not one to tear down what another person says but, you tend to be really off on some of the advise you give.This is not how it’s done and congratulating that behavior isn’t okay. I have to speak up in this one too. Like what’s really going on with you these days?
Phillygirl
Umm, there was no real apology (not that you should apologize to someone who disappeared on you). But the real point is, this is all lies.
This was all a manipulative game.
No. This isn’t success. This is the opposite of how you find real true love. He is back because his ego wants a boost.
That is not a good thing because he actually values her no more than the first time.
I’d be willing to bet that the minute she becomes vulnerable and stops playing with him… He goes poof again. He is chasing the challenge- not the person.
For those that think games are the way to go, you will continue to learn the same painful lessons over and over again. Happiness and solid relationships aren’t built this way,
Phillygirl
And I second everything Khadijah just said.
It may seem like I’m attacking Leigh, but her advice was so questionable I felt the need to address it.
I’d feel responsible for not speaking up (if someone took that advice) thinking it was sensible.
Leigh
She feels empowered and strong, not feeling like a victim. If you have never experienced that you will never understand. She took a chance, changed the dynamics (she apologized) and he responded. She is not attached like before, she is in control, likes him and if he tries to do it again she will know that it is not her
It’s how dating goes ladies! We each figure out how to relate to a guy and see if it will last. It can’t always be the guys fault!
She feels good, why are you all denouncing that. Let her enjoy her empowerment.
Jessica
Anna,
I’m sorry to say that I agree with the ladies on this one. The fact is you reached out to him – it was in a game playing way that TRIED to turn the tables – but in reality, you pursued him. And he knows it. He’s playing along – but do not be fooled into thinking you fooled him. He knows he has the upper hand.You are still emotionally attached. I am sure that his attention is comforting. But you never cut the ties – and this is necessary to get your power back. If you had – and HE came back to you – it would be different (and even then you should be slow to re-engage with him). It doesn’t mean that you should cut him off now – just know this so you don’t get sucked into an unhealthy situation.
If it were me and I wanted a man who I know is truly invested in me – at the point you are at – I would completely back off. I would NOT initiate anything. And if he pursued me – I would start over and let him know what I am looking for. And let him free to decide for himself. And I wouldn’t allow any type of relationship with him to happen that was not what I wanted.
Anna
Well, after thinking about this advice for the last little bit, you guys are right. It was a game and it was stupid. I think that I am more mature than playing games and I do wish that I would have learned my lesson the first time because I definitely do not want to get hurt again. He has apologized so much and explained what happened from his perspective but I should take the lesson that even though I am somewhat in control right now, I won’t be after a little while when he reels me back in.
Olivia
I feel he will just leave you again if he feels like it. The way he did it was so cold, he could have given you an explanation. But hopefully you don’t fear he will leave, because that state of mind will cause you to become needy. So enjoy what you have with him now, and don’t expect it to lead anywhere but if it does then be pleasantly surprised.
Stefanie
You lost yourself and your integrity and peace of mind as well as any possibility of love the moment the word REVENGE entered your mind. Ever seen the film Dangerous Liaisons with Glenn Close and John Malkovich and Michelle Pfeiffer and Uma Thurman? When you start a war, which is what revenge is, no one wins clean. Everyone walks away bloody to some degree. Always.
Neither you nor Leigh have any idea what love really is nor do you understand men or dating. Bragging about the revenge you got on someone is so junior high school. You won’t find happiness with a man with a mindset like yours.
At the 3-6 month mark, it’s decision time on both sides. A lot of the time, one person doesn’t see a future and that’s the end. That’s what dating is about, to find out if you are compatible in the long term. If you can’t handle the answer being no from him, if you think dating you for 5 months means the deal is sealed always and forever, you have a lot to learn. I”m so sick of the G word on this site (ghost). I’m also sick of men being called jerks, a-holes and whatever else. We have your side of the story only so the name calling and negative labeling is not only pathetic but guarantees you’ll keep attracting more of the same. Are you sure you were having an exclusive relationship? What was your piece of this? It’s always the men’s fault it seems. Look at your own immature behavior – not using the word immature as an insult here.
You have not achieved or won anything here, and if it weren’t sad you think that you have, it would be amusing. For those on this site here to improve their relationship skills, this is not behavior that should be emulated, if you want happiness with a man.
Phillygirl
Wow Leigh, you seem to understand nothing about healthy interactions or behaviors.
And have learned nothing of value here
Leigh
Anna, you were not playing games! He triggered a response in you that took you through a great transition of figuring out how yo workthrough the pain. You chose you as the power! You will not lose that as you continue to meet new men. Things get so much better from this point on. If only everyone here knew what you went thru they wouldn’t be saying you failed.
I remain inspired.
Boog
Leigh, read what you just wrote. You’re going to argue with the OP on her own admission that it was a game???
I remain mindblown.
Phillygirl
Seriously!?!?
She just admitted she WAS playing games.
SMH
Khadija
Anna,
You’re already learning. That’s a big step to see the situation for what it is.
Continue to learn and grow.I hope you find a guy that won’t break your heart and bring forth any behavior like this again. Best wishes my dear.As for Leigh, you are so off from the reality in dating that it saddens me.
That’s my two cents and honestly, I’ll have to just ignore the outrageous things you say from here on out.Leigh
Khadija, I like that you congratulated Anna! Now we are on the same page! I agree with you, she did learn and grow. That is exactly what I said.
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