Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Need Advice! Time to Distance Myself from This Friend?
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Tammy.
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Lynn
I’ve become close with this guy whom I befriended since this summer and we’ve been hanging out 1-1 maybe every other week. I love planning and have been initiating every hangout. He usually makes time to join me. He’s not very responsive when texting which slightly bothered me but I can cope. From early on I established that I’m only comfortable with friendship for the time being and he took that well. (I just wanted to know him as a friend first without expectations). It’s obvious we enjoy spending time with each other. He’s sweet in person and can get a little touchy feely at times which sometimes made me wonder if there is something more than friendship. So two days ago I had a birthday party. He was out of the town for the day and promised to come to the second part of the party. He made it to the second part(dancing) but he showed up only hanging around on the couch playing with his phone instead of dancing with us(well, he did dance a little in the beginning). To be fair, he did say the travels exhausted him and he wasn’t drunk enough to enjoy himself. He appeared to be moody and acting a little distant.
I remember I found him in the corner he said he was people watching – “look at these two, the guy likes the girl but the girl only likes the guy as a friend.” I asked him how did he know, he said “I just know”. He also said something like “you have so many friends in your life” – which made me think he was moody because I wasn’t able to give him enough attention? But in my mind it wasn’t my job to take care of him.
After the party, I asked him to walk me back so we could have a few minutes of alone time, he agreed. I was drunk so I don’t remember much of the walk but something felt off. During the walk he cancelled the plan we had for the coming Sunday saying work stress has been piling up. Then when say goodbye he gave me a really cold buddy hug. (he usually gives a tight hug with a kiss on the cheek)
I got home, being drunk and a bit emotional so I sent him a mildly angry message calling him out on being flaky – no response yet.
I guess I just want to get a second opinion on this. Being flaky and not communicative is a serious red flag for me in close relationships and I tend to cut these people off but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt before I draw any conclusion.
Raven
Sounds like you’re wanting more than ‘friendship’ with this guy…
Raven
Also drunk, angry texts will get you no where
Tammy
Nothin you can do now since text alrdy sent. Let him revert. If he dsnt thats that.
mama
He was never a friend. He was waiting around in hopes you started liking him. I think he realized at that party that you may have actually meant you just wanted to be friends.
We are all responsible for managing our own expectations. I think he decided to do that after seeing how things are at that party and is backing away from you. Let him go.
Lynn
He’s said he’s not looking for anything serious right now. I guess he just doesn’t know if he’s ready yet in general.
My heart wants more from him but my head is like, no don’t go there it’s danger zone! I don’t know which one is my actual gut feeling and which to follow.Maddie
If he’s not looking for serious but you are, then it’s not about gut feelings. It’s about listening to what he’s said. Danger zone is right because he can’t/won’t give you what you want. At best, you’ll end up hurt in a hookup situationship. Distance yourself ASAP, and don’t get involved with emotionally unavailable men if you’re looking for something real.
AngieBaby
“He’s said he’s not looking for anything serious right now.”
That’s a polite blow-off. Believe it, especially since the actions are matching those words. If you think you’re going to get “more” from him, you’re going to be disappointed.
Lynn
Ok thanks ladies for the input! Exactly how I felt – first time we met I sensed he’s not over his last breakup yet even it was 2 years ago. Such a shame tho! We do have great connections.
AngieBaby
Lynn, the connection isn’t the type that leads to a deep romantic bond. Best thing you can do is to learn the difference between the connection that is good friend/companion or romantic partner. I’ve learned it the hard way.
Lynn
@Angiebaby, curious what’s your takeaway? I’ve never thought of it that way. I always thought every successful romantic bond needs to have a solid friendship foundation first.
AngieBaby
Yes, absolutely, I agree with you it’s important to be friends. But beyond that, there have to be shared values, goals and vision for the future with a desire to be real partners. Not just companions who are having a good time together.
Maddie
There’s also a difference between building a friendship because you’re both open to things growing as you get to know each other, and stunting a relationship from the start because you don’t want anything more or are emotionally unavailable. The latter is not the foundation for a romantic relationship with a solid friendship underneath. You can tell the difference because when the friendship is growing into a relationship (or you start with dating but simultaneously become friends as well), you won’t feel confused about their feelings or intentions. If there’s some will they / won’t they hot and cold going on, it might feel a little more exciting or thrilling, but the guy isn’t serious or isn’t ready. In this case, you don’t need to be confused anyway based on what he already told you.
Lynn
I purposefully set the expectations straight since the beginning. But when we hung out there were touches here and there and those little looks. We also discussed our visions for future, ideal partnership, and core values which mostly align. We have the same quirks also. All these made me wonder if there could be something more and I let that develop in my head.
After the party my girlfriends were asking me if we are dating as they saw us together and saw how he looked at me. So I guess it’s not just in my head? Otherwise I’d feel crazy and seriously question if I’m ready to date again.
But I guess the bottom line is he’s decided he’s not ready and I shouldn’t attempt to convince him otherwise.
Lynn
Some friends suggested me to apologise for the drunk text and admit to him that I might have more feelings than friendship – would you suggest so too?
AngieBaby
NO.
He said he’s not looking for anything serious right now. That’s game over. You’re not wanting to see the message written LARGE on the wall. Don’t believe it? Completely back off and see what he does. If he’s interested romantically, he will come forward. But don’t be surprised when he doesn’t, because he told you he’s not looking for anything serious. Translation – not interested in you that way, for whatever reason.
I mean, you can try apologizing and telling him you have feelings for him, but 99.9999% chance you will be turned down. But if that’s what you need to do for it to be real to you, then go ahead.
Lynn
I won’t confess my feelings as I’m not even sure if I’d want to pursue anything with him if he said yes, let alone all signs point to rejection. Plus my feelings were mainly just…confusions.
BUT, we were supposed to go to an event that he’s purchased tickets to so I’m not going to bail. I sent him a brief message, apologised and asked him if we are still good. He replied “we’re fine:) still on this Friday?” So we are still going to the event together(late night museum and cocktail)
He did not acknowledge anything related to how I felt about being blown off.
I am going to meet him one more time as planned then I will back off.
Maddie
If you tell him you have feelings, the best you can really expect is he’ll want to try hooking up, and things will eventually get messy. If he’s seriously interested in you, as AngieBaby said, he will approach you. You do not need to initiate it. I’m sure there is flirtatious chemistry between you two and he knows it also, that’s likely not in your head. That can be fun and validating for both people. But it doesn’t mean he wants to date you or wants a relationship (with you or anyone else). He hasn’t approached you directly yet because he isn’t going to follow through and isn’t going to initiate a mess, but he may be responsive to one if he can be passive and not take responsibility if you get hurt.
AngieBaby
Don’t have more than one drink at that cocktail party.
AngieBaby
Switch to a soft drink after one alcoholic drink or you’re at risk for another drunken outburst.
Lynn
Will do!!
Lynn
Ok so we went out on Friday night. I did not drink any alcohol as advised! :) It was mostly goofy fun but there was a disconnection. He appeared to be distancing himself as I also planned to do.
On our way back he asked me politely would you be offended if I don’t walk you home? I said why would I? I told him he’s been asking to walk me home previously and he needed to make up his mind. The choice was in his hand and he chose to NOT walk me home. He did ask me to text him when I get back and I just didn’t feel like to so I ignored that. The he double texted me asking if I’m home and “let me know or I’ll feel bad for not walking you.”He tried to explain why he cancelled on me saying he sometimes overcommits and ended up having to cancel on people and he can’t commit to certain things until last minute. And most of his friends are cool with it but I don’t seem to like it. I simply called him out saying it’s more about priorities rather than time management and that it’s good for me to know how we prioritise different things.
Just an update! I think he cares but not enough to make real effort to develop this into something more and he felt the expectation from me and decided to keep the distance which is totally fair. Sucks a little tho.
Tallspicy
I am sorry, but he is flakey? You are the flakey one. You want him, you don’t… who the heck knows… you send him angry texts instead of having strait forward conversations… you are just as much a problem here. You like this in between and drama, otherwise you would not feed it. A friend sitting in the corner looking at their phone is a inconvenience, not flakey. I am sorry it did not work out, but you have some to learn as well.
Lynn
By “flaky” I meant he cancelled on me. The outing was his idea and we’ve made a plan but he canceled a day before.
Tammy
This is not going to go anywhr. Thats obvious. So best to put this behind and move on. In case he msgs u sure do reply. But thats that!
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