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- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Maddie.
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Wren
I’ve been seeing a guy. It’s still early, but we established we are not seeing anyone else and he took down his bumble account. However, despite all of this and him being thoughtful, sweet and respectful, I am still feeling anxious.
Everytime I’ve made an excuse for a guy in the past, or chose to think positively, or started to feel secure, I was blindsided and the guy chose to end things with me. I feel there is no room to relax in dating. I need to always be alert and looking out for red flags, to prepare myself for him to leave. I need someone to talk me down from this.
Raven
Are you anxious generally speaking?
Wren
Yes I’m definitely an anxious person overall
Raven
What things do you do to ease your overall anxiety?
Maddie
Your feelings that you should stay vigilant may be valid, but they may be because you’re choosing emotionally unavailable guys. Not every guy is deserving of distrust, but if you typically go for an unavailable type (avoidant, has issues with commitment and being vulnerable), then it will seem like it’s every person you date rather than you’re choosing to date similar people over and over.
Don’t project your past experience onto new guys unless they’ve shown you they deserve it. Take time to get to know each other and build trust before you jump in to emotionally investing. Observe him and make him prove he deserves your trust through his consistency. This means all his words and actions always matching, you not feeling confused or like you should make excuses. People do show your true colors, good or bad, over time. And it’s most important to remember that even if things don’t work out with this guy, or the next or the next if there are any more, you will be OKAY! You are there for yourself.
So wait and see, and you may also want to look up attachment theory while you’re giving him some time to get to know him, because you may have either an anxious preoccupied or a fearful avoidant insecure attachment style. And that would help explain why you’ve had challenges in your dating history.
Wren
I try to manage my anxiety overall by journaling and finding other hobbies.
And yes, I do think that I have dated emotionally unavailable guys in the past. So far, this new guy seems to be open and willing to be vulnerable. But I am still super distrustful (I read Attached and I identify with the preoccupied anxious attachment style). A past fling started pulling away from me out of the blue after we had spent a romantic weekend together. It’s been a reason why I feel unsafe when dating.
Maddie
If he has not given you any reason to feel confused or to make excuses for him yet, then the area to focus on is your own self-esteem. Find ways to take your mind off him between dates, and doing things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself and more confident, whatever that is. Part of your fear is that you don’t feel like you’ll be okay no matter what, and you are basing your feelings on reacting to his feelings instead of being grounded within yourself no matter what he does. It’s easier said than done, but a shift towards connecting to yourself and being true to your own needs no matter what the guy is doing really helps in dating with less anxiety. So does observing his consistency, as I mentioned in my last reply.
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