Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Need objective look and advice please
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Lane.
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Rebecca
I am 35, and the man in question is also 35 as a start. I have been seeing this guy for 2.5 months but we aren’t official. In that time due to his work schedule we usually see each other once or twice per week. Our communication is usually checking and in chatting at least every other day minimum, with both putting in effort, to touch base in between actually seeing each other. Beginning on Halloween I had invited to come out since then to 3 social events to see if he was ready to join me and have fun in my social settings. (We have had dinner as a couple with his friends, and I’ve met another friend as well). He declined all 3 and I did wonder if he is not feeling ready for that yet. He is a sort of short-term, solo thinker I think and at times seems indifferent. When I saw him the Sunday before last (the 17th) I casually and very non-threateningly asked him if he wasn’t ready to be “like that” or felt uncomfortable with the invitations. His response immediately was that “No, we are headed down that path. I can try more and make more of an effort. That’s been an issue in past relationships, so I can put more of an effort. Next time there is something, give me a little heads up and i’ll come.” I reiterated, it’s ok to be honest and isn’t about the events, just wanted to know if he was comfortable or uncomfortable with doing those kinds of things yet. He responded, “No, I’m not uncomfortable.” It was a very calm, easy-going conversation and I felt he responded well and was being genuine. The night went on like our usual selves, he asked me to stay the night, were our normal selves all week, then starting that Saturday he had 5 days off work. He didn’t ask to make plans with me for those days, even though our usual days are Sundays. I texted him Saturday to see how his first day off was, and he was going out for a friends birthday. Brief chat, but I didn’t hear from him then at all until Tuesday night, when I decided to reach out to him. This is bizarre, we have not gone that long without either of us checking in. He responded quickly like nothing was wrong, giving me an update on some things and asking how I was. Remember he still had Tuesday and Wednesday night off, but no asking to see me. It was a brief polite exchange and he hasn’t said anything further.
The initial question of course is, what the heck has happened? How do we have such a good day/night, a normal week (he wasn’t pulling away or acting weird), then he got time off and suddenly just goes MIA. Every woman’s fear is that he went out and met some new girl or has been spending time with someone else instead. I haven’t texted again, haven’t reacted, or asked what’s up or accused him of anything. I’m sitting back. But it’s really upsetting when I think about our time together and his effort, to suddenly disappear. How can we have been in a good place, and suddenly I’m out of mind? It does hurt. He wasn’t weird after our convo at all, and we hadn’t had any DTR’s before that conversation, which wasn’t even a DTR because there was no talk of a title. To me my gut says something drew his attention, that he did go otu and have a good time and his mind is now that quickly on someone else. Or that he was never actually interested or genuine the whole time, which also sucks and is hurtful. Is it worth saying anything? And if so when or how is a way to say it without being attacking or putting my hurt on it. Or should I just take a hint and move on?
Better off single
My guess is he isn’t that interested.
Vera
2.5 months and not official = he’s not that interested
Raven
Take 1 Giant Step back…
Sylvia
He seemed respectful, I wouldn’t say nothing would happened but he went MIA on off days.. very strange. Good for you that you’re not blowing up his phone.. We have no idea what went in his head but.. give him time. When he comes back I’d gauge his response and be upfront that you’re chill but want to see if you’re on the same page..
Tallspicy
This is why no equal contact until you are exclusive. If he is not your boyfriend by 10 weeks, most likely he won’t be. And his actions said it was too early, even if his words did not.
Do not contact him again. You have initiated twice. His not doing that should tell you he is losing interest, sadly. Next time only initiate once under these circumstances, and very rarely before exclusivity.
He is showing you who he is, a man who backs away, is not honest about where he is (can’t communicate through challenges). You sound lovely. Find someone who has what it takes.
tammy
he had 5 days off. but dint make plans to meet you even once. unless he took off to take care of some personal/or urgent stuff due to which hes very busy, this really doesn’t look too gud does it? and from your post it comes across that your the only one making the efforts presently to keep in touch. u do have to take a giant step back and see what happens. whether he steps up and starts contacting you again. don’t chase him.
Kalyn
The conversation may have set him to thinking about your long term compatibility (2.5 months is pretty close to the usual “three month rule” where a man decides if he wants to continue). He may be taking this time away from work distractions to think about that. He may also be thinking that his failure to be more active with a past girlfriend’s social circle caused problems (he mentioned that) and is concerned that this may be a repeat of that. Or, he may have met someone else who is taking his focus.
Don’t reach out again (as difficult as it will be). If he comes back and communicates as before, IF you want to be exclusive, you really need to have a conversation that goes something like this:
“I want to let you know how much I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and and how much I’ve enjoyed our time together. Over time, my feelings for you have grown to the point where I feel ready to date only you. I’d love to keep seeing you and I’m not looking to get too serious too fast but in order for us to really see what this might be, I feel that I should date you without the distraction of other people. What do you think?”
If he agrees, great! If not, you need to be prepared to say that you understand and appreciate his honesty, but you feel that you need to focus on finding someone who wants the same things that you want. Then wish him well and move on.
Rebecca
Thanks everybody for your feedback. Kalyn I loved the way you worded that. I did not attempt to reach him, and he ended up texting me on Thanksgiving. He made no attempt to bring attention to the fact he’d been MIA but local for days. I was having a great day with family and did not wish to get into that headspace, so I just responded normally and it was a brief chat. It’s now Sunday and he hasn’t stepped it back up or made plans with me. My phone had issues yesterday and I wasn’t receiving texts from anyone and had some concerned friends call as we had plans, so I posted a note to my story on instagram that if anyone had tried to reach me via text my phone was not working but it had been resolved. He responded to it with that closed-eye emoji face. I asked him, Did you try to text me? and he responded “I was waiting for your text.” Now before we were in a rhythm that If we weren’t talking daily we’d only go one day between and if he was the last person to initiate then I would reach out and vice versa. It felt equal effort, and if it were before it would be me texting him Saturday. But the reality now is that in the past now 10 days today, he has reached out to me once. I don’t think men necessarily keep track like that (days) but it should be noticeable he hasn’t bothered to make an effort. I am just disappointed and confused, and don’t understand how someone doesn’t have the decency to address that it’s changed. He didn’t pull away that night or the week we had that convo so it came in my opinion with his time off. Regardless you guys are right and I need to find someone who “has what it takes.” Thanks!
K
SMH… No no no. Never ask a man to be exclusive. That’s the speech a man should be making to a woman. Don’t ever say that to a man. He needs to step up and lock you down, not the other way around.
Kalyn
K…no offense, but I disagree. Are you saying that a woman should either wait indefinitely for a man to “lock her down” or simply walk away without discussing it if it doesn’t happen when she thinks it should?
If a woman says something like what I wrote without actually giving an ultimatum, and she is prepared to move on if he’s not ready/willing, she is communicating her standards and making it clear that she will not lower them. I personally believe this raises your value in the eyes of a man. Waiting around when you’re unhappy with the situation communicates that he doesn’t have to do anything different, and he gets to keep you anyway.
I said something very similar to a man who I’d been seeing for a few months who was not “locking me down”, when I felt I couldn’t continue without exclusivity. He said he cared deeply, hoped I wouldn’t walk away because he would miss me, but still wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship. I told him I wasn’t upset with him, I understood and appreciated both him and his honesty but felt I owed it to myself to seek out the kind of relationship I truly wanted. I walked away, didn’t contact him, went about my life and went on a couple of dates. A week and a half later he asked if we could meet and talk. He’s now been my boyfriend for nine months and I’ve never had cause to question his commitment during that time. If he HADN’T come back and asked for the relationship, that would have been ok too because it would have given me the opportunity to find a man who was ready. Point is, women can ask for what they want and need, provided they do it in a high value way and are prepared to be at peace with whatever outcome occurs.
Kalyn
And incidentally, he told me after the fact that my vulnerability that day, calm and clear communication and the fact that I was willing to remain true to myself even if it meant losing him caused him to see me in a different light.
Rebecca
K, I agree a man should pursue but I didn’t ask him to exclusive. Our conversation was whether he felt comfortable coming to things I invited him to, essentially if he felt comfortable or uncomfortable coming with me to things as the person I have been seeing. He’s the one who responded right away with “we’re headed down that path.” He could have given any answer he wanted and I would decide from there.
Kalyn, I agree with all you said. For my situation your words would have been perfect when we were still good and seeing each other. Since he’s now/still acting distant I am not in a position where I want to be exclusive either based on his behavior but do like him. I like the way you word things, do you have a suggestion on how to ask about the shift while respecting him and me as I’d like to understand, even though it means this is not what I’m looking for. I don’t want to end on fade out or negative terms. I don’t even know why it feels negative because I don’t know what happened. I’m still saddened by it, even though it’s clear it’s time to walk away. I’m glad your man came around!
Kalyn
Rebecca…that’s tough. I don’t have a lot of good advice on how to ask a man why they faded out. I think a lot of them see those questions as neediness, even though the fade is a crappy way for them to break things off. It drives us crazy but often they can’t adequately describe their reasons anyway, so they just withdraw and hope we take the hint.
I’m not a big fan of strictly adhering to “rules” as if they are gospel. IMO, they are only a helpful guide. However, I have found that the “three month rule” rings true much of the time. It seems to be the average length of time the average man needs to determine if he wants something more long term and permanent with a woman he’s dating…it seems to be when they start asking themselves, “Can I see this woman as a real part of my life, my family, my household? Do I see potential for marriage/partnership with her?” They process these questions differently and on different timelines than we do and we often don’t really understand their reasons for answering these questions with a “no”. But if it’s no, and they aren’t a jerk who is comfortable string along a women who’s invested in him just for sex, this is the point where they will break it off in some way.
My bf could have just as easily answered those questions to himself with a “no” and he wouldn’t have come back and asked for commitment (it was what I was expecting, actually). And true, things were going well for us when I had the exclusivity conversation with him which I believe is an important point you made. I’m so sorry this is happening but I think your only good option is to step back and begin to move on with your life and let any further communication come from him.
Ianthe
I also think that conversation prompted him to think and evaluate your relationship.
I agree with K above about letting him come back to you, if that’s what he decides. I wouldn’t contact him again and in the meantime start living your own life. I would, in fact, begin the process of movinh on!
Dangerouse
Rebecca’s, if you are still following this post…
I’m like your man. I might want a boyfriend, but it’s not that I’m “not ready ” to hang with your friends, I’m just happy doing my things. I don’t want to be constantly invited to stuff I don’t care about.
K
Kalyn… no offense but of course I didn’t mean wait indefinitely or walk away without discussing, and I don’t know how you think I was implying that. I meant I would never give the speech you gave asking him directly to be exclusive. It’s too much masculine – that’s his job to say those things not mine. Glad it worked out for you but in most cases here the speech you gave backfires. You get sexual exclusivity only.
First of all men who are that interested are generally clear about saying I don’t want us to see other people, would you be my GF, whatever words they feel comfortable with. I’ve only had one situation where after a few months I wasn’t sure, so BEFORE sex I just said, how do you think things are going here and shut up and let him talk and watched his body language. If I’m not sure where I stand with someone, I ask a few simple questions, I don’t try to corner them.
Let the guys do the work they’re meant to do. Then you know they have stepped up and at that point it’s your place to be the chooser.
Lane
When a man pulls back like this its his way of feeling how he really feels about you. Believe it or not but men fall in love in a woman’s absence! He is trying to gauge his feelings to see if you are someone he seriously misses or doesn’t miss when not in your presence. The best thing to do when a man pulls back like this is to pull back too and gift him the space room to sort his feelings out.
Listen, he knows you like him, so poking or prodding him to remind him you exist isn’t going to help your case, if anything, he may start getting feeling that you will want to consume all his time, whereas, the one thing men fear the most in a relationship is losing their freedom, their ability to have other things going on in their life that isn’t always centered around an SO If you can show him that you don’t want to consume him or all his time he may feel more at ease taking the next step to see how you mesh and fit in with each others worlds.
I a nutshell, let him fully feel what his life without you in will look or feel like. If after giving him a few days he steps back in and picks up where he left off then it means he’s ready to take it further with you and you can feel more assured of his feeling for him if he takes that step. However, he could very well be fading out and trust me, there is nothing you can say or do to *make him* feel a different way if he’s not interested in taking it past the time you’ve spent together.
Remind yourself that dating/courting isn’t just about getting into a relationship; its about getting into a relationship with a man who wants to [key words] be in a relationship with you and you want to be in a relationship with him! It must be mutual or you are never going to feel safe or secure and that’s never a good position to get yourself into.
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