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- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
ANM Staff.
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Laura
I was casually hooking up with this guy in 2019 and things seem to have taken a turn for a serious route… this year he flew me out to see him and after that trip he asked me to be more open with him, but I’m struggling with this and I don’t want to tell him I don’t feel comfortable sharing with him because he does things that aren’t very encouraging…I’ve started pulling away and figure if he truly wants to know about me he’ll ask and if not silence is an answer too
Am I wrong to think like this?
Lala
What do you mean he does things that aren’t very encouraging? We need more info
Laura
For instance he never answers any questions I ask that require a lot of thought or he answers with a question. He always answers me if we’re having a boring general conversation that goes nowhere. However, if I ask him a question he just laughs and when I call him on it and tell him, he’s ignoring my question he just laughs and says he prefers to ask the questions.
Even though he’s doing all that, he’ll say that I’m not being open or sharing my thoughts or trying to have meaningful conversations with him which hurts his feelings never mind the fact that he’s not engaging me in conversation when I’m trying to have one with him.
IDK I’m just tired trying to talk to someone who thinks they want to talk, but in reality they don’t
Newbie
It seems both of you struggle with the same issues. Its a two street. If neither of you wants to answer but ask, it goes no where. Also you have to ask why you have to know all this now by asking. You could have gave it some time.
I think your solution is not very constructive or clear. You are pulling away but you hope he will ask why. People are not mindreaders. What do you want to acomplish? And is this really going towards serious like you said and what are you basing that on? If he has to fly out to so see you, that means its ldr. Have you two talked about what that means?Lane
I too am questioning as to how you think this is getting serious when you can’t even converse with each like normal people do, such as ask and answer questions? If he’s unwilling to open up and get deeper with you then he is not trying to progress this in the way a man who has fallen in love with a woman wants to not only learn everything about her but naturally starts integrating her into his world. That’s how a man bonds emotionally, and if he’s not doing that then he’s not in love with you and you need to remain aloof, unattached and unemotional too.
kaye
I do think you’re wrong in acting this way. I’ve learned in life that being passive aggressive and expecting someone to be able to read your mind is never a good solution to an issue. And neither is pouting and pulling away until they ask what’s wrong. Even my husband who is incredibly in tune with me and can tell if something is wrong just by how I answer the phone or the look on my face can sometimes miss when I’m irritated with him for something. I will say trying to turn a casual hookup into a serious relationship can have it’s issues and you are experiencing one here.
First you need to make sure he is actually telling you he wants a serious relationship with you before you feel comfortable sharing with him. This would be my conversation with him: If you are sure you want to progress this relationship to a more serious level with me then you need to communicate with me on more than a superficial level. I want to know your hopes, your dreams, your plans for the future. I want to know about your childhood, your family and the things that made you who you are today. And I want to share the same with you. But if you can’t even open up and share and have meaningful conversations with me how do you expect our relationship to progress? It can’t be one sided. You can’t expect me to open up and you to stay closed off.
Laura
I’m not pulling away for a response. I’m pulling away because I’m over our situation, why should I put myself out there if he’s not willing to do the same?
Jo
Initially you said you’re pulling away and waiting to see if he asks about you, silence being an answer, and asking if you’re right to think that. Now you’re saying you’re “over” the situation anyway. Which is it?
kaye
That’s funny because whenever I’ve been “over” a relationship I wasn’t posting on a relationship forum saying I “need outside advice”. I was just over it and I moved on. You’re playing games.
ANM StaffKeymasterHi Laura, I’m sorry that you didn’t find clarity here. I’m deleting your most recent post because it’s unconstructive. Best wishes.
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