Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Need perspective – "best friends" while he gets helps and figures it out
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 5 years ago by
Lane.
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HurtInLove
I need more perspectives on this. Ten days ago my ex of nearly 2 years (in December) demoted us to best friends while he gets his anxiety and ocd under better control. His anxiety comes out in anger and he says mean things. That is the only problem in our relationship, not kidding. We’ve been able to resolve any other conflicts. He also admitted that being in a relationship stresses him and he needs to figure out if it’s something he even wants with anyone. He doesn’t think he’s relationship material (btw, he’s VERY hard on himself). I know of two relationships before me that lasted 1-2 years each. He broke off one, she broke off the other.
I’m completely heart broken.
He moved in with me over a year ago. We’re extremely close to each other’s families, do a ton of activities together, made the house “ours”. He knows I don’t want him to go and he gets uncomfortable whenever I get sad. The past week has made it clear to me how much I love him and have fallen for him. I adore what we’ve had and I want to support him through this, but he just says that this will be best for both of us right now and we’ll take it a day at a time. He says we need to both use the time to work on ourselves, and we should both be selfish about that.
He’s getting his own place and he asked if I’d look at it with him and help him shop for a bed. The supportive “best friend” says go. The broken ex-girlfriend says, figure it out yourself. I also don’t know what to do regarding contact and activities. We’ve been gym partners since our 2nd week dating. I know that no contact whatsoever is a huge part of healing, but I can’t imagine just completely ignoring him. Should I let him lead the way there? Please help me.
Raven
He needs to experience life with out You…
Birdeegirl
How about you think of you right now. Let him go do what he needs to do. While he is doing that, you will be NO CONTACT. Do not call, text or email. Do not be the best friend. That is just hard on you and gives him a crutch. He needs to step away completely to do the work. Right now, he just figures he can have you waiting in the wings like having his cake and eating it too. Take this time for you. Reconnect with your friends, spend time with family or spend time with you. Just breathe get good sleep and eat healthy. Good luck
Hes a liar
He is lying to you and you are wasting your time.
L E T. G O.
Ames
Why do you think he’s lying to her? Either way, I wouldn’t help him shop for new stuff, etc. So you are now his “best friend,” personal shopper, etc. You don’t have to be mean but he essentially broke up with you after 2 years for a somewhat selfish reason (his issues). Is he gonna ask you to help him choose dates for him too? I don’t think you have to go no contact. But clearly he’s hurt you. So why don’t you take this time to focus on yourself (like he is). Come up with excuses as to why you can’t help him…it’s a bit ridiculous for him to expect you to do that. Maybe he’ll realize he can’t live without you. And by that time, maybe you’ll have realized you prefer life without him! Keep your chin up! I know it hurts very much. Time heals all wounds…Read the book “Attracting a specific person” by Dhiraj Kumar Raj (if you have kindle it’s free). He talks about break ups, how to deal with your ex etc and it’s very positive and enlightening…all the best
Ames
Ps not trying to advertise but unlike books that advise you to go no contact or date other people etc it talks about seeking happiness for yourself and practicing positivity and good vibes to lead a good life (for you–the most important person)
Lane
There is absolutely no way I would go along with *his* plan. If you “break up” with me, then I will treat it like a break up and remove you from my life. Why? Because their constant presence doesn’t allow you to grieve, heal or move on, will remain in a state of “unrequited love” and that is no way to live your life.
I’m not saying you have to go instant “no contact” but I would reduce the contact to a bare minimum, like if he texts “how are you doing?” it would be short and succinct “I’m doing fine” and not return a “how are you” but stop responding and not engaging in a chit chat.
I’ve had some come back within 2 to 9 months. Of those who did, I either didn’t give them a second chance (lost all feelings); broke up with them (they didn’t cut the mustard); married one (lasted over 20 years); and have been in a committed relationship with another for almost three years now. By taking the “out of sight, out of mind” approach and never expecting to be with them again by moving on with my life, it did one of two things: 1) I was perfectly fine not having them in my life; or 2) They had to prove to me they were worthy of a second chance.
It really is the best approach for those who don’t come back or you don’t want back because once you wean them from your system, you’ll be happy you didn’t hitch your wagon to the wrong man. For those who did come back and I gave a second chance to, they truly stepped up to the plate (re-earned my trust and love) in a very big way, and those have been, at least for me, the longest committed relationships.
The man truly needs to be ALL IN for it to work. If he cannot, then its best for you to be ALL OUT!
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