Need support…

Continued

I asked him to talk to me first before making any perm decisions. He agreed. We talked. We decided he’d take some time to think, and that he would get back to me when he was ready. I said, “If you’re not in a hurry to date someone else, that’d be great, it makes me at least feel this was worth it to think about, that you cared. But honestly no pressure either way, I just want you to know my side of it before making a decision.” I left his place expecting to hear from him…in maybe a week or two. Although a couple of days later, I sent him a follow up email very clearly outlining what we had talked about, for the sake of good communication/clarity, and we decided via email to take some time away from talking while he did think. I didn’t hear anything for a month and a half. This seems like a long time, but I also know he works really long days so only really has weekends to himself, so time probably moves differently for him, or at least I rationalized it that way. He didn’t seem the type to ghost after such a conversation.

Continued (there’s some part of this not getting past the filter so I have to post it line by line to figure out which part!!!)

I ripped him an absolute new one. I said, “We both agreed that we weren’t going to date anyone else until talking. And you couldn’t even send me a courtesy text to let me know what you had decided? That’s called cheating,” called him a liar and a coward for leaving me on the hook while he f***ed off and did whatever without consideration that I was just left waiting to hear back from him. I mean, I really ripped into him. This is the most mad and pointedly upset I’d ever been at ANYONE. Then I let him know there’s no need to continue any conversation as he is a proven liar, and that I have him blocked everywhere and on everything.

He did write some email that went to my spam box, but I instantly deleted it. What? Now that I ask you to not talk to me you have something to say? No dice.

Anyway, I need support. It’s okay to tell someone off who breaks and violates your trust and agreement. It’s okay to get mad. Right? Because there’s a part of me that feels guilty or wrong or bad for blowing up about it, but it’s what I had to do in the moment to protect myself. To me when someone shows you who they are and how little they value you and your feelings, or disrespects you, you have to RUN. And burn the bridge on the way out!

A little voice (his voice, I’m sure) is going, “SEE? I told you you’re TOO OVER EMOTIONAL!!!”

I hate it.

Please help!

I am sorry it went down the way it did but unfortunately, you allowed it to go on, too long, and this was the result of doing so.

The difference between men and women is men don’t date to get into a relationship, they date to decide WHO they want to get into a relationship with. If a man isn’t bringing up or the one pushing you into a relationship, then they aren’t even thinking about it, with you or anyone else for that matter. These men are called “time keepers” or “time wasters.”

Men today don’t need a GF/wife. They are fully capable of being single today, and in most cases prefer it that way, so the MOMENT you start “the talk” before they do, they know the FWB/NSA gig is up, and that’s when they bolt! Sadly, the girl he replaced you with will experience the same situation you did, as have many others—its his MO.

How do you fix this? Stop acting like a GF when you are not a GF! What does that mean? It means you are still SINGLE and should still be dating and meeting other men until you meet the one who is so smitten with you, he is the one bringing the topic up while you remain silent. Now it doesn’t mean it will work out for a variety of reasons even if you do become a GF but at least you know where you stand. So next time, do not give full access, exclusivity or act like a GF until you’re officially a GF.

Just know “going off on him” only proved you were “too emotional” (his excuse/lame reason) so you essentially handed him the bullet to end it, even before the last convo, which is why he blanked you because men HATE having those types of conversations as will avoid them at all cost as they never end well.

In the future, try not to give men ammo to use against you, let him go when they go, and try to learn something from it or you’ll keep making the same mistakes. I know your pissed but you really need to understand how men operate. In most cases today they aren’t looking for a relationship but some temporary fun. If a man isn’t naturally bringing it up on his own without any prompting from you within a month or two, then 10-1 he’s not even thinking about it. This is the best mindset for you to have when dating today, whereas if you have to bring it up first, then you need to be fully prepared that you’re dating a “time waster.”

wow, thanks for the support.

so what I’m learning is:

1. It’s my fault he lied. Although we talked and he cited reasons that had nothing to do with us (though I didn’t list here), and I offered to give him space and we both agreed to talk later, he doesn’t have to take responsibility for standing by his words. He clearly, between the lines, “did the honest and good thing,” if only I had read his mind. It’s my fault for not reading his mind.

2. Though I was going to end things with him, we both agreed we wouldn’t see anyone until we talked again. I’m the one at fault for thinking he would stand by his word.

3. Being angry and having emotions when someone lies to you is wrong and bad, no matter how someone treats you. We should be robots and beep boop boop beep. We are in control at all times of how we feel and therefore should feel nothing.

Thanks for the support. It’s all clear to me now. I should have known. This site is full of Pick Mes.

I lied and was trying to be the cool girl? And yet I going to end things with him at lunch? So much projecting.

The email I sent to him was a suggestion made by my therapist to make sure we understood each other clearly.

The last time someone cheated on me, I was very calm about it and do you know what that got me? We ended up back together, and I was mistreated more and more. Because I had loose boundaries.

This time I wanted to burn a bridge and tell this someone how I feel on the way out. I don’t want them coming back.

You were not a couple, so I don’t understand why you were trying to enforce a BF/GF rule when you were not BF/BG? He is a single unmarried man who is freely allowed to date anyone he wants to, without yours or anyone’s permission.

Did popping off to him make you feel better? Probably not, and still in the same mental place. The problem with it, is it just keeps feeding the emotional flame and keeping you stuck. Using your emotions in a much healthier way by ACCEPTING it didn’t work, owning YOUR part or role in it, and then taking that energy and using it on yourself is a much better way of dealing with things outside of your control.

I’m sorry but he’s allowed to be a liar. There is no law that holds a man criminally or civilly liable if they lie to someone they are dating. Do you really want to be with a liar? If anything, you should be grateful you found out early as they make horrible partners! I know you are trying to understand what happened but all you are going to get is a headache by continually banging your head against a wall.

This is very common in dating, whereas majority of the time it doesn’t pan out for a variety of reasons. If you can’t accept its the highest risk in dating, then you will be in for a whole lot more hurt because even long-term married couples fall apart, such as mine did after 20+ years, so its something you are going to need to accept if you want to engage in it.

I felt like you did, emotions were naturally high, and I so wanted to “pop off” because he was being an a hole but I refrained from doing so. Instead I wrote it out (what I call “venting through writing”) but I didn’t send it and I’m so glad I didn’t because it would have only kept feeding the emotional fire. I decided to do the OPPOSITE by disengaging (not responding to him) and filling my time with all kinds of FUN things to do. I did puzzles, worked out, joined a softball and golf league, joined Meetup and started doing social events, meeting new people, and focusing on my career. Within a few months I started to feel true “happiness” and “joy” for the first time in YEARS!

Just accept its over, he’s a douche, and use your energy to find some happiness as I’m sure your brain and body could use it :o)

“Being proud of yourself and feeling empowered should be more than enough satisfaction and reward for your choices”

well, if it helps, you guys helped me see that. so we’re good.

“I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist.”

i am regularly and consistently told how good i am at mature reasoning, communication, and unblending from my emotions so i am not reactive to every little thing that happens. i have studied buddhism and decided, pointedly, there is wisdom in anger. i made a choice to “pop off,” and i don’t regret it. i don’t want to be shamed for my choices.

“I hope that person can help you mature.”

are you seeing a therapist? because it seems to me you’re “popping off” right now on this thread. funny how you guys can “spit the mean truth” my way, but when i do it, in response to an actual hurtful life event, it’s seen as immature. don’t you think it’s popping off to tell someone “you’re throwing a hissy fit because things aren’t going your way”? your tone is no different than my tone to my ex.

i’m just gonna leave that sit right there.

OP what do you actually want? You’ve been given clear advice and feedback which you clearly don’t like. I’m at a loss as to what you think should happen now? The people on here offer advice and support because they want to be helpful. Sometimes that includes saying things posters don’t want to hear. Instead of wasting your time posting snarky replies try actually reading the advice you’ve been given and taking it in the spirit that was intended. No one on this forum takes pleasure in upsetting anyone but some times hard truths are needed.

Your ex is a liar so you’ve dodged a bullet. Be grateful for that and if you don’t like the advice on here then don’t post. Certainly don’t post being aggressive and rude.

No one has “popped off” at you here. Frankly, if you are this argumentative and determined to be right with strangers on the internet, I can only imagine how challenging it must be to be in a relationship with you.

Too. Much. Drama.

You are all way more worked about MY grief and reactions to being lied to than I was about being lied to. Seriously. If you couldn’t be supportive to someone who is hurting, maybe don’t bother responding?

“Anyway, I need support. It’s okay to tell someone off who breaks and violates your trust and agreement. It’s okay to get mad. Right?”

the answer is YES! and anyone who has ever gone to therapy should know the answer is YES!

but now I’m too busy laughing at a bunch of people telling me “mean hard truths” about how I shouldn’t have told him mean hard truths.

like I said, the only thing I would take back is being *insulting* about it, which was unnecessary, but I wouldn’t take back anything I stated about how I felt, which needed to be said, for me, to feel like I said what I should have.

I know what it’s like to NOT say those things, to hold them in, to “rise above,” and “be the bigger person,” and honestly, it feels much worse. you just ruminate on what you should have said, and what you left unspoken.