Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Need To Walk Away…But Just Cant Seem To Do It
- This topic has 47 replies and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by
Brandi.
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redcurleysue
Dear Brandi,
I agree with the above posters – you need counsel like from Al-Anon or a therapist. You need perspective on your situation.
If this guy or any guy (or girl) is serious about getting cleaned up they will do their work. They will agree they need to change things for themselves and stop the addictive substance for at least 6 months to a year before being ready for anyone else in their life.
Usually, a person who does decide to clean up will have at least one setback – nature of the beast.
How does everyone around them get so sucked in? Because when they are good they are perfect (actually too good) and others cannot get enough of it.
This is the vortex of the problem for their loved ones. We need to understand that their good is not real but a projection of what they believe good is. In other words, you are loving a man that does not truly exist in reality. This is very addictive.
We all want love – and they promise that to us as no other….but it is not real.Once you understand that your love is based on his smoke and mirrors the question arises if there is love at all.
Al-Anon and a therapist can help you better sort all this out.
Misty
People only change when they feel it’s really beneficial to them. When an alcoholic hits his or bottom is when they change. Sadly love doesn’t conquer all. My bf is a recovering alcoholic and so am I. I stopped drinking only after a huge fight that “woke me up”. I had hit my bottom. It’s been 45 days today that I quit and haven’t had the urge to drink ethanol (alcohol). I love him but that wasn’t enough. It took him saying it was over for me to quit. We are back together now and happy but I know I can’t drink again not only because I would lose him for good but also because I am learning in college just how dangerous ethanol really is!
Lane
Hi again Brandi.
You must move on! Trust me on this, living with an alcoholic is soul destroying! They suck away at your self-esteem, worth, and respect to the point you have none left! I stayed for the same reasons, hoping the man I knew “pre-alcoholic” who was generous, kind, loving, and supportive partner would come back, but year after year he became a self-loathing narcissistic asshole who lost so many boundaries at work (was forcibly retired shortly after I left him) and at home where he was buying our 15 year old son alcohol (Bacardi Lemon) so he could become his drinking buddy!
Trust me Brandi, you dodged a HUGE BULLET here because at least you know who he is NOW, and he will not get better but it will become even worse over time…like those people on that show “Intervention”. I left mine after devoting over half my life to him (20+ years) but I got through it. To finally live in a PEACEFUL and CALM environment without having to walk on egg shells around an alcoholic was the best thing I did for myself. They live in a very INSANE WORLD that makes non-drinkers insane too—look up codependency because that’s what you would have become!
He’s the PATHETIC ONE because alcoholism is a nasty addiction that destroys people, especially those who love them. Thank your lucky stars that he revealed the true self earlier as mine turned into one around our 10th year and hung on to FALSE HOPE for another ten before I’d finally had enough. This is what a courtships about, getting to know the ‘real them’ to make sure you don’t end up with a LEMON! :-P
Brandi
You all are so wise im so glad I came here for support. Your words are all being heard and I promise you all there is no chance in hell I will go back to him ever. I’m done for good.
His friend (and someone I thought was mine) just posted a photo on Instagram not too long ago of him, his new gf, my guy and the girl he slept with Friday night. The photo was taken Friday. And instead of my guy worrying about that hurting me bc .. You know .. he “loves me so much and cares ab my feelings”, he started commenting all these inside jokes on it. For some reason, that crushed me more than anyone else. I blocked them all on social media and erased their numbers. They’re all toxic. When I said something to my guy about how much lack of consideration he has for me , his response was essentially “this isn’t my problem anymore.” I told him he’s blocked from my life and to stay away from me. His response was “seriously….?? Ummm ok”.
This guy has torn me down to almost nothing and that stops today. No more waiting around hoping he will change. No more tears. No more texts or phone calls. You guys are right when you say that it was all smoke and mirrors. I was in love with someone who’s not real. I was tricked. And im done.
Buttercup – im so sorry you’ve gone thru that. And how hard that must be. No one deserves that. We all deserve the utmost happiness and respect. I’ll never allow myself to be manipulated and treated in the way he was ever again. He by no means drank every day, more so just on weekends, but when he drank it was like a tornado. He would become vulgar and violent and psycho. Everyone thinks it’s fun but they’re not the ones that have to deal w him at the end of the night.
I know it won’t be easy, but I’m prepared to block all the toxic people out of my life. I have an amazing support system and all of you amazing and uplifting women to keep me going and I know I can do it. I’m more angry than sad now. That photo and his reaction set something off in me and im done.
jane2
Hi Brandi
So glad you realized it.
“I was in love with someone who’s not real.” You were in love with or infatuated with the idea of him. Anyone can pull what he did on FB has no compassion. It is all about him. Again. Classic alcoholic behavior. An attention seeker. That is why he is always the life of the party. It is one crazy life.
Mine broke down my self-esteem too. Nearly destroyed me. Took me 3 years to leave but I finally did. Going to al-anon helped. A lot. One night a woman in her 70s must have been married to the guy for 50 years talked about her husband going on a binge or acting out or something. Wasn’t clear to me. But she said to the room those of you who are young get out now. Start over with someone else. She had left him at one point. But he charmed her back. After I heard that story I made my decision and within a couple of weeks I told him I wanted a divorce.
When I finally separated from my husband, he wanted me back. I went NC and I didn’t go back. All I felt was relief. But I spent 10 years of marriage to him and it took a toll on me. He abused narcotics. I can’t say for sure that he relapsed but he developed a medical condition that required strong meds and everything changed after that.
He had a friend who used to tell me how lucky I was to have my husband. Never said it in reverse. Slowly over time I lost myself. I’m out nearly 2 years and I still haven’t completely found myself again.
Rehashing this made me realize why I may have unintentionally or subconsciously become needy. I didn’t even realize until I wrote all this out. Trust me. If it is like this at 8 months, it isn’t getting better.
So glad you blocked him. NC. No matter what he says or does. Don’t respond and don’t see him. The love is an illusion unless you are a masochist. You deserve better and you will find it.
Brandi
So true ! I almost texted him today but I stayed strong. A mutual friend of ours was incinuating he may now be hanging out with the girl he hooked up with friday. This girl happens to be best friends with her too. The hook up was random and it was the first time they had met. The girl that hinted towards it dates my guys best friend, so I’m sure she’s hoping it works out w my guy and the hook up bc then they can all go on their little double dates and have a great time.
Only thing is, my ex doesn’t date. He just has sex with girls until he’s tired of it and moves on. I think he dated me bc I was different and had morals. But even tho I don’t see him dating anyone for a long time and it shouldn’t matter anyway, I still so badly wanted to text him tonight and just ask if he’s seeing this girl now. I felt like knowing would just calm me. Everyone says not to give him the satisfaction but I feel like it’s going to eat away at me unless I ask.
But I refrained bc the last thing I want is for him to think im sitting at home thinking about him. I want him to think I have moved on. And I know we’re not together and never can be again so it’s irrelevant… But something about knowing would ease my mind. That’s not to say that he would be honest tho. I think if they are hanging out its probably just to fill that void. I mean it’s messed up enough he had sex w the girl the day after we broke up… But sex is nothing to him. He’s had sex w hundreds of girls. But if he genuinely liked another girl, I would be shocked.
Next time I have the inclination to contact him I will come here. I was so close today and im soooo glad I refrained. I would be regretting it big time right now I’m sure.
Harley
Yup. ..stay strong and hold it together. no contacting him. I really don’t think this situation shall improve. try to keep busy and distract yourself.
jane2
Hey Brandi
Good for you! Hang in there. Texting is like an addiction. Just stay strong and don’t text. Post here instead. You can post here what you’d like to write. Just DON”T send it to him!!
You will feel worse after you do so don’t… So proud of you. You do need to walk away. Texting will only delay the inevitable. Staying with a man like that will only bring you down and mess you up.
We’ll be here for you!
Stefanie
I had an alcoholic boyfriend who I broke up with but was able to be good friends with. He died of cirrhosis of the liver 8 years ago. He didnt answer my calls one day and I got a bad feeling, called his housekeeper… she found him dead in his bed.
‘t would have taken me down with him if I had stayed with him. He would periodically go to detox and then look into a 30 day program but would never actually go for it. He liked drinking.
If he won’t do something about the drink, you MUST move on as hard as it is. Hugs Brandi.
buttercup
Don’t text him. I know the urge becomes over whelming but don’t do it. I was reflecting only an hour ago on the way I responded to my ex when he first contacted me again. I should have ignored. His guilt at his treatment of me was bothering him. Me responding and being kind eased that guilty conscience so he could go on his merry way. He feels better and I feel worse!
I should have left him be and let that guilt bother him!
You think in the early days that knowing about his life will calm you. It won’t. Don’t text him and ask questions about his life. I stalked his fb for a month. I felt I needed to know the facts. Always left me feeling worse. Now I just don’t go there, because even catching a glimpse of him in a photo triggers some emotional reaction in me. It’s just to painful. Best not to know what he’s up to!
He’ll miss you and the good woman that you are. Well let him! They don’t know when they’ve got it good. They are selfish selfish people and the whole world revolves around them.
Like your ex, when I used to try and talk to him about my feelings regarding his behavior he’d say, “that’s your problem, I can’t control the thoughts that go around in your head!”
Brandi
Thanks ladies. I caved and called him last night. The sadness and loneliness was overwhelming me. He answered and said that talking to me makes it harder to move on. That makes me wanna reach out even more. He said this is the hardest thing he’s ever done bc he does love me and it’s gonna take a long time to go back to normal but he knew it just “wasn’t in the cards for us” and he wasn’t happy during a lot of the rltp. I just think that’s bs. We had a few big fights but i thought we were always happy.
There’s just so much more I want to keep saying and I know with each text I become more pathetic but it’s hard for me. Hearing him cry made me know he does care. Where can I find the strength to stop dwelling on this? I know it doesn’t happen over night but it almost seems to be getting worse.
Amy
its up to you Brandi
you are the only one that can stop yourself from hurting
he will not take your pain away…he will only make it worse.he’s already making it sound like its your fault by saying “he wasn’t happy in the relationship” from what you have said in your posts, you sound like a grounded girl. but he isn’t grounded. he is partying and going off with other girls. he is burying his feelings and issues and not facing them. and unfortunately you will not change him.
only he can look within himself and change the person he wants to be.if you carry on like this…you will lead a very miserable lonely life.
don’t let him take that away from you. you are only 26.
and i know you wake up wanting to meet him and try and talk, and i know you are sat there running over every little detail experienced with him, and i know you wake up asking yourself whats the point in getting out of bed today. but it will get easier.
focus on getting through a day at a time….each time you feel the urge to call or text him…don’t!! i know (trust me…i nearly did it today) that its easier said than done. but you will eventually get to 2 weeks and it will be a bit easier…after 4 weeks its better.
but if you keep looking at facebook, and lloking to see what he is doing you are causing yourself the pain. i myself have found myself nearly driving over to my ex’s house several times from work…but ive put it out of my head and told myself i deserve better and will have better.
and you have to do the same. you are better.as for him crying…thats just to pull on your heart strings. he knows you are an amazing catch and knows that he doesn’t deserve you. trust me my ex did everything the day i left him, to crying, anger, calling me a lyer, even helped me pack my car??!!
its an illusionBrandi you really need to listen to all these words and really be strong.
otherwise im sorry to say this but you only have yourself to blame!redcurleysue
Brandi,
It is very hard to let a relationship go….even one we know is bad for us. To help get perspective think about what you really want in life….what you really want in a relationship….be careful to make the list of these things without him in your mind.
Now take the list and compare it to what you have with this guy. It will help you realize while he may have some good qualities he really has some deal breakers too.
The deal breakers is what will help you not call or text him. When you feel the urge take out the list and read it…buttercup
Your ex boyfriend says the same as my did, like not been happy for ages, all loves me but can’t give me what I want.
It is Bullshit. If they wanted us
buttercup
If they wanted us they would be with us. I too don’t believe he wasn’t happy for ages. It’s bollocks. He was so loving. His body language showed no signs the week before he ended it that he was distancing. Another girl showed interest and he dropped me like trash.
I know there is so much you want to say to him. I did too. And I did for the first couple weeks. It doesn’t help though.
When we meet up at Xmas that was when I got the chance to say everything I wanted to say. But I still let myself down as I did it all with kindness. He didn’t deserve that. I was still sympathetic to his issues. He didn’t deserve that. He needs to face up to the hurt he caused. Instead now, he knows I still have feelings for him and is quite content to carry on his life in the safety of the knowledge I love him and would go back.
The only way he will ever realise your loss is for you to disappear. It took 5 weeks of silence for him to reach out. And then he had the nerve to question why I never contact him anymore and that he thought we meant more to each other than that!!! Clearly I mean loads to him. He dumped me and proposed marriage to another woman on a first date 3 weeks later!!!!
Now he says he can’t understand his irrational behavior from back then.
He just a selfish asshole.
Don’t give your guy the honour of your sympathy and concern. He has to earn it again and change himself. Only by feeling your absence can he do this. If that is truely what he wants.
lilly
i know how your feeling i have only 2 hrs ago ended my 4 year relationship,i have blocked all means of contact.
he was drinking, dated two other women in the past year, but hey got me an engagement ring after that, i liked the look of it for a week then gave it back.
your worth more, i am to, the guys we where with are not serious, in a few mths we will start to heal by next year we will e truly grateful we had the strength, or the other option be waiting for him , and go through the pain further down the line.
Dont delay the inevitable,smile and think of all the great guys out their, just waiting to have someone like you.
Tracie
I am so proud of you Brandi, but please don’t call him again and stay strong. He will use crying to try and sway you back and then do the same behavior all over again. PLEASE take all of this advice from women who have been with alcoholics and walk, NO RUN, away now and start the healing process. Each time you contact him it’s like picking the scab on the wound and it has to heal all over. Let the wound totally heal and next year this time or hopefully even sooner you will be glad you did. HUGS!!!
Brandi
Hi ladies. Just wanted to update you. Ive had no contact since the call. It’s been really hard but I’ve stayed strong. I went out with some friends last night and wasn’t even tempted to reach out. Plus it was nice not having anyone to worry about for once, but also kind of depressing but the dating scene is so weak. Things like that make me crave him and the security of him. But every weekend scared me bc I was constsntly anxious that we were going to fight and he would end it.
I’m just sick of waking up sad every morning and analyzing every little detail of the rltp in my head. I just can’t stand to hear that he wasn’t happy and I feel like he’s just trying to convince himself of that. I feel like I’m torturing myself bc I keep looking at old photos and such. I’ve deleted him on social media but I still find myself searching for things and dying to know what he did last night and what girl he hooked up with… Bc he never ever goes home alone.
I just want to know when it will get easier and this sadness will subside. I know I play a huge part in that too. I’m essentially making myself more sad. His best friend texted me yesterday bc we’ve gotten pretty close and he just wanted to apologize for any role he played in making me upset in all this. And even he said that he genuinely cares about me and my happiness and that I deserve a grown man who’s ready for a relationship and that my ex just wasn’t it. That I deserve so much more than him. And that meant a lot coming from his own best friend. he also told me I should do my best to stay away from my ex for awhile. He said “you’ve never seen him in single mode and im telling you it’s going to be bad… If you thought he was bad when he was with you, you have no idea what you’re in for” apparently he just blacks out so hard and i should expect to see him all over other girls. His friend said that my ex will not give a damn if I’m there and it hurts me or not… That he has no feelings like most ppl do and he will do whatever he wants. That’s kind of sad to me that I cared and do care so deeply about someone that could give two shits about me and my feelings, regardless of what he says.
I guess I just have to look at it like the first few months of the rltp were great but that’s the case in most rltps. It’s the infatuation phase. And once that wares off, the persons true colors show and that’s really who he is. The person he became in the end. And I have to stop blaming myself and second guessing myself. I know I was a good girlfriend to him. I cared and I supported him and I was loyal and thoughtful and everything you could want. Sometimes I may have wanted a little more attention but that’s not a crime. I just wish I would have been more appreciated. I felt very taken for granted. And now I feel I have just been tossed out and forgotten about. No matter how good of a woman I am tho, I can’t change a man who isn’t ready. He says I have changed him for the better and have made him realize he’s capable of love and capable of being in a rltp, however I don’t see how I changed him all that much when he’s already back to blacking out every wkd and banging random girls.
Sorry this is getting so long. I just have so many thoughts running through my head. I just hope someday he realizes he messed up and that he was happy. I just want him to wake up hungover next to a random girl and feel that pang in his heart that I feel every day. And just realize that he lost such a good thing in me and it was a mistake. I don’t think he will love anyone like he did me. Maybe Im biased but I really feel that way. I just wish his love was strong enough to want to make a change and im so sad its not.
jane2
Brandi
I really l feel for you…
But, you need to ask yourself:
What do you love about this man? He sounds so selfish and mean and he doesn’t care about you. It isn’t possible for an active addict to love someone else. They are in love with the high and chasing the next one.
Why do you keep going back when you know it will only bring you down? Or maybe you don’t know that?
You can’t save him. You won’t. You can’t do it for him and doesn’t sound like he’s hit rock bottom. Even when he does, no guarantee he’ll want to change. The “love of a good woman” won’t do it. It’s gotta come from within him. He needs to deal with his demons. Go to Ala-non and you will see what I’m talking about.
Post here. But stay away from him.What you risk if you keep going back is possibilty you will destroy yourself in the process.
I’m off my soap box now and done on this one. I have nothing more to say. Over and out
Andrea
You deserve better. Take some time without contact with him and fill your life with exciting new things. You will eventually be able to see yourself happy without him.
redcurleysue
You want him to feel your pain….but that is just the problem….he drinks his feelings away. If it is any consolation he is hurting. Anyone who abuses drink or drugs does so to dull the pain. The girls are just like the booze…distractions to dull the pain.
He is escaping his feelings and the more they feel the more need to escape. It is a merry-go-round. Unfortunately the people closest to him can help him the least….yes, that means you too.
You said you want him to wake up and realize he lost such a good thing in you….what he is going through is much worse and deeper than that…he has turned against himself. This is something a normal person cannot help him with.
That is why he has to reach out for help from professionals. His relationships all cause him pain so he needs help from people who are not in a relationship with him.
I hope this clarifies that he is hurting – no doubt.
Sixshenz
Hi brandi..so sorry for your situation..usualy i am just a passive reader..but for your situation..can,t help my self to give my thought…i do have many experineced when man treat me badly and i keep stay..i just can,t let go the wonderful memories..i keep searching reason to stay and sometimes ended blaming my self not trying harder or good enough..or my boyfriend didn,t mean it and love me instead..and never lose hope that maybe one day he realize..i never had alcholic boyfriend…maybe i don,t have exactly the same experienced but i do understand how you feel….i have a boyfriend who treat me the way i wanted when we are on high,l.the man i dream of..he just shower me with love..and while he treated me like a queen..he also cheated on me…but because i can,t let go how he makes me special the way he treated me…i forgive him and still with him…he said that girl means nothing and am just the only one.,.i am triying sooo very hard to stay..and drowning on losing self respect..because inside my heart i know i deserve better…and the more i forgive him..the more he losing respect on me and treat me even worse…saying hurtful things…blaming me etc etc day by day even worse..and losing my mind i keep stay..i just hold on to good memories…he also a player…can,t stay in relationship and just have fun with girl…so it somehow makes me so special..that he want relathionship with me..that i am special..that i am unique that he love me so much..that i can win his heart from so many girl…that i can make a player love me..but what is the point from that?do you think that realy a good sign?do you think it is better you can makes player love you..are you sure he love you? Or maybe he can,t found the girl who love him that much..like you…who keep stay for the worse..it must be ego boosting like a mountain..do you prefer you can makes a player love you or the man who never play with girls heart loves you..i need two years plus to walk a way..that time i already losing my self..lose my self respect..lose my pride ..my self esteem…than one day..i just stop …stop having a phone..stop contact..stop met him…i cry every night..miss him every night..and hold thight to all memories..now its been 8 month…i still not using my phone..rarely cry..still have sweet memories..miss him..but somehow..day by day..i feel better about my self..i proud bit by bit day by day about my self..that i can stand to win my logical mind than my heart…that i can win my pride that i deserve better..my self esteem got better…and after my self esteem got better..my standart that anyone have to treat me right got high…and seeing the situation more clearly…i keep searching quote to makes me strong..or book or anything…i do found a great quote…its only need one time to makes someone treat you wrong and free..and they will never stop…until now..even the relationship over..still have major damage to my self…building wall..and so many damage thing i don,t even realize…i lose the confidence girls before i met that man..so until now..i still building that girl again…sorry for my bad english..and hope my share thought and experienced makes you stronger…trust me…even when you think you can not made it…trust to your self more than you can..give a chance to your self..you are just stronger more than you can thought..no one can take your pain..so why holding responsible to your self that high to accept the wrong things….hug.
Brandi
This is why I love coming to this forum because you all make me see so clearly. I didn’t reach out to him all weekend and i am so grateful. I know if he ever wanted me back, theres no way i could do it. i would be so miserable and unhappy, especially given all hes done since we broke up. Its amazing how similar some of our stories are and I’m so thankful i have you all to knock some sense into me. Not contacting him gets easier day by day, but i do get moments where i want to just go off on him and question him, but i do know that i cant force him to feel pain or feel bad.
I came to stay with my parents for a few days just to clear my head, and a bunch of my friends went to a local bar by my house tonight and they texted me saying him and his friends were there. luckily my parents live an hour away and thankfully i wasnt there to run into him. But my one friend apparently went up to him and called him out on some stuff…i guess he started crying at the bar. of course he was in the process of ordering drinks. he just told her how he loved me and cared about me but felt like he couldnt be his true self when we were together a lot bc i was always judging him and watching him…which was the case bc he drank too much. and he was even in the process of ordering shots when my friend approached him. Apparently he also told her that he had sex with yet another girl since me (that makes it 2 in the past week) and that he keeps epecting it to feel better but hes only feeling worse about it. and when my roommate said ‘you should feel bad about it, you had a great girl that really cared for you’ he said something along the lines of ‘and i cared for her more than anything and this is hte hardest thing ive ever gone thru now please walk away so i can stop crying at the bar.”
This just makes me happy bc it shows he actually is in pain. i really thought he had just forgotten about me. i know in my heart if he EVER asked for another chance i would say no, it was just hard for me feeling like i am hte only one sad. it gives me satisfcation to know that we are both truly sad, we just deal with it differently. i was supposed to go on a date tonight but canceled on the guy bc its too soon for me. i want to get over this pain and sadness and work on myself, but right now im letting myself feel it. im letting myself cry and letting myself think and grow. while hes out numbing his pain with girls and alcohol, im facing it head on. i know the time will eventually come that he will be forced to feel the pain, and by then i will be so moved on from it. i think girls and guys differ in that way and thats why guys always end up coming back later.
i’m just so proud of myself for not contacting him at all. im sure now that he told my roommate he had sex with another girl (which, why would he tell her that, knowing she would tell me?) he thinks im going to freak out and contact him, which i think is what he wants. but im never ever giving him that satisfaction again.
when i see him at that race next week, im not even going to look his way. i am going to keep my dignity in tact, look damn good, and walk right past him. while hes blacked out and making out with girls, im going to just laugh. i know its easier said than done, but i think one more week of this no contact is all i need.
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