Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › NEED URGENT HELP. Talking to a new guy.
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
Mia.
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A
I like a guy and he likes me. It’s a mutual attraction. We have been talking for a month, hooking up for the past 3 weeks. I thought that it was going to be just a hookup but he wanted to see me again and has been pursuing me everyday since. Now I’m starting to get feelings, which I absolutely hate. I have an anxious attachment relationship style and I have insecurity/abandonment problems.
He has initiated every single conversation with me the last month and has called me everyday for the last 3 weeks, sometimes twice a day. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow night. He told me when I met him that he hates needy girls so that’s why I never reach out first. He called me yesterday morning to say hi then told me to call him “later”. I have never called him before, but because he told me to call him then I figured it would be fine. I called him at 8:30 and he didn’t answer, never called me back and I haven’t heard from him since. I can check peoples locations on bumble, and he wasn’t at home all last night. Now my anxiety is going to a million different places thinking a) why he didn’t call me back and b) if he was at a girls house all night.
Should I just leave it alone and continue to not contact him until he reaches out or send a text?
Raven
Breathe…
Worry won’t change a thing.
What are you doing to deal with your insecurity/abandonment stuff?
Rubi
He asked you to call and you did. If he didn’t pick up then that’s on him. If he was indeed at some girl’s house you can’t be upset you’re not committed to eachother.
I would leave it until he reaches back to you.
A word of caution though, you are entering a dangerous zone here. If you’re catching feelings and it’s not mutual you will end up hurt. And your anxious nature will take a blow.
Use this alone time to think clearly what you truly want out of this with him. If you’re unsure let him lead things. Don’t do more than what he’s doing. Keep calm and observe things for now.
A
Rubi – I completely agree with you that there is a high probability I will end up getting hurt but I’m willing to take that chance and go all in because I really like him, and there still IS a chance it could work.
Zoe
Stop initiating
A
Did you read my post? I said I have never initiated…
Ewa
calling twice a day and then texting in between? how often do you see each other, I feel like this guys was on a mission to love bomb you , get you addicted/attracted to him and then decided ah ok i’ve got this one I can move on.
did you talk about being exclusive at least?
when someone said stop initiating I think this was the answer to your question, you phoned him , he didn’t phone back, so don’t reach out again.Tammy
I think what raven said mks lot of sense. What r you doing abt your issues?
Sam
Hi A,
Leave it alone. You called. He will see you called. And will call you back if he wants to.
I agree with, Raven. If a missed call from someone you’ve been seeing for a very short time is already causing you so much anxiety then you need to learn how to manage your insecurity/abandonment issues.
If you don’t, then no long term relationship will work out for you. And I’m speaking from experience.. now very happily married but I had to do the work on myself first.
Tallspicy
Why are you hooking up if you are anxious attachment? If you know that about yourself, you are not setting yourself up for success by being involved casually sexually and with men who say things like they hate needy women.
Maddie
Agree with above posters. There really isn’t a chance it will work as something more than casual because you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to be with him. If you have to do that, it’s the wrong guy for you because you can’t just be who you are. He’s not someone you can trust to be emotionally safe with (for a reason!), so it’s a lost cause.
I especially agree with Sam and had that same experience myself.
Peggy
I am with Tallspicy on this. I think Eric would agree too. You should not be hooking up. Casual sex is not going to work for you. You need to work on your issues with therapy. Then you should look for a serious type guy that wants a committed type relationship with a compatible person.
Mia
They have been dating for a month and hooking up for 3 weeks. Nowhere did she say it was casual.
Op, your anxiety is totally valid and i get where you are coming from.
If you feel like you can gain control over your anxiety about this guy and really have no interest in anyone else, the best thing you can do is keep yourself busy doing other things. Be discerning though, because there are a lot of guys who date multiple women at once.
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to put youself out there and talk to a few other guys to pass the time in between what causes you anxiety?
There is no exclusivity so you’re not exactly doing anything wrong talking to other men.
Especially if this current dude is wasting your time.
Just breathe. You were ok without him before you met him.
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