Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › New boyfriend and ex know each other…
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 8 months, 1 week ago by
Maddie.
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Sadie
My ex and I broke up 9 months ago, after 3 years together. He was physically abusive towards me. We had a flat together which we rented for the last 2 years of our relationship. I never involved the police nor family or friends, but I’m safe and away from him now. I went to therapy and fell back in love with my life.
The problem is my new boyfriend. He plays on the same soccer team as my ex and I met him through my ex. He sent me something on social media and we got chatting from there. We get on so well, we have made longer term plans and I feel he’s the one.
My ex and current boyfriend aren’t friends as such, they play together but don’t socialise outside of the sport. It’s more the mutual friends that are involved we worry about. I don’t want to lose him over my ex kicking off, and getting people involved (he spun the break up as my fault) so we are keeping things on the quiet for now.
We’ve said it’s not the ideal way to meet, but there was no overlap and we don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong.
Does this have any chance of working out? It just feels it could get messy quite quickly, but I’ve never been so sure of what I want :(
Raven
Depending on how mature your new BF is, there shouldn’t be any problems…
How long have you been together?
Sadie
We’ve been together 6 months. We were both honest from the start that we weren’t dating anybody else and quickly became official. We don’t see each other much (which is hard) as we all live near each other and we don’t want my ex finding out yet. He rings/whatsapp video chats me and when we do have dates, it’s at our apartments, or we drive out of town! I feel my boyfriend is mature and he’s prepared to face everyone, but it’s the fear we have of my ex and then the reaction of everyone else
Ewa
why are you hiding ? seriously? what is the point of this relationship? what do you think your ex is going to do ?
is it your decision to hide it or your new bf? because it all seems bit weird to me.
One of you is single but the other one doesn’t know it about it yet.Sadie
Hi Ewa, it was the reaction of everyone else really and the fear of what my ex would do, as he was physically abusive. We both agreed to keep it between us (and immediate family) for the time being while the dust settles. My ex has spun the break up on me to a lot of mutual friends that new boyfriend sees at games
Raven
What do you think your ex would do in a public space?
Sadie
Hi Raven
I do think he’d physically attack my boyfriend. His anger and aggression is known on the team and is frequently disciplined about it
Maddie
I know it isn’t ideal to change your life around for a significant other, but does your bf need to play on this soccer team and hang out with the mutuals? Frankly, if they’re willing to stay friends with someone abusive (or believe the ex’s lies), why would he want to be around people like that anyway? Wouldn’t it solve the problems to find a different league and drop the trashy mutuals, as then there’s no connection anymore? He doesn’t work with them, they’re not family, your bf isn’t stuck needing to see these people and I wouldn’t want to be hanging around a situation where an unstable and explosive person might assault me for no good reason. Your bf doesn’t need to make things harder for himself and keep you a secret when there’s more than one soccer team in the world he can play on. If he can’t give up mutuals (or an entire soccer team?!) who are all loyal to an abuser, he may not have great judgement either. The team is enabling your ex since their discipline attempts are doing nothing but allowing him to keep playing.
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