Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › New guy asked for my body count
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 2 years, 11 months ago by
Kim.
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Chloe
A new guy I’ve recently started dating is asking how many people I’ve been with before. We have not been intimate yet. He is pressuring me to tell him. He says that he just wants to know in case I change the number in the future.
I declined to tell him and we haven’t talked in a few hours. I know he is not going to let it go until I have told him.To be honest, I’m not telling him because:
1) I will not be entirely honest and I don’t want to be put in a position to lie. There was a time I was at the lowest point in my life after losing all my savings and I had spontaneous sex to just feel something different from the distress I was feeling.
2) I no longer sleep around. I’ve changed. So I don’t feel like my past should follow me.
3) I read somewhere that asking for body count is a sign of manipulation. I’ve greatly been manipulated by men before. By narcissistic men. And I’ll be damned if I ever tolerate one again. So I don’t know if I’ll be falling for a manipulative man if I give up the body count answer.I’ve never had a guy ask me how many people I’ve had sex with and I’ve never asked a guy.
This guy is really good. We vibe. We connect. We really have feelings for each other. It’s like I just met my guy. Yet, the request of my body count could be a hindrance???
I have two choices… lie with a low number or stick to not telling him.
He will probably assume that I’m a slut if I don’t tell him and he will not forget it or let it slide.
So, my dear sisters, I’m seeking your advice on whether I should lie with a number like 3…and we move on. Or should I stick to not telling him at all and be dumped? If he doesn’t dump me, he will be disturbed by it.
Raven
It’s. None. Of. His. Business.
He is telling you LOUD & CLEAR who he is…
You are correct about point #3You dump him.
There is no shame in having sex.ps: If you lie, lie HIGH, like 3,000
Maddie
I generally agree with Raven and with point #3 when 1. he is PRESSURING you about it and 2. if he’s a new, recent guy, you do not know him well yet and it’s very personal information and 3. he wants to make sure you don’t change the number later?? What a gross thing to say. Plus it means he already doesn’t trust you!!
It’s okay for you not to want to share it right now. This seems like a red flag either because he seems to be asking you in judgment, and/or because he feels entitled to know and thinks you are slighting him when he hasn’t earned knowing something so intimate about you yet. So that is disrespectful of you and your boundaries. It is not okay if he wants to know more than he cares that you are uncomfortable. While everything else may seem good so far, you barely know him yet, and he may be showing you some true colors here.
This is a conversation I’ve actually had before with some guys I’ve dated (mostly out of curiosity and maybe for some safer sex information), so I don’t think it’s totally unheard of. But the difference is it wasn’t uncomfortable or accusing – it was mutual sharing, which made it fine. Listen to your instinct that you don’t feel right about this.
Liz Lemon
I agree with the other posters. This is kinda twisted. Why does the number of people you’ve slept with affect your relationship? I’ve never asked my bf that and he’s never asked me.
It’s one thing to casually ask, or if you’re having a comfortable conversation and it comes up and you feel comfortable discussing. The red flag here is the fact that he’s pressuring you! And that he thinks you might “change” the number later, which means he is putting a moral judgment/value on the number (and also shows he doesn’t trust you and think you’ll lie). And it’s the kind of thing that can be thrown in your face later. I totally agree with your point about it being manipulative. There’s no need for him to have that information unless he plans to use it for some reason later (and by that I mean use it to throw in your face).
I know you feel like you vibe/connect, but this is a new guy you’re dating and you don’t know him- he’s showing you who he is, unfortunately. A decent, respectful guy would not pressure you about something like this and make you feel guilty for not sharing.
T from NY
If he brings it up again, I would be like – “Ya know I thought about it, and that’s not something I want to ever talk about. Or, if we do, I want to be the one to share. If that’s a deal breaker for you – thanks for letting me know.” Then try to change the subject.
Because it’s definitely intrusive. And a giant flag for me when a guy asks that. Barf
tammy
i think raven said it. if you guys discuss and both are comfy sharing this info then that’s great. but if your not, then he needs to respect that and not force you to share. why shld you share if you do not want to share?? you dont have to share your past if you dont want to.
Chloe
We have talked but he hasn’t brought it up again.
But I know he is not the kind of person to let something go, so if he brings it up again, I will tell him that I can’t deal with a man who is intrusive like that.
Anyway, I just hope that he isn’t a narcissist.
Thanks guys.Kim
Hi Chloe. You said in your original post that this guy is good because you vibe. I’ve got some advice for you. A guy that asks how many people you’ve slept with is not good and I’m saying that from my own experience.
I have been with my husband for almost 5 years now and I have never told him how many people I’d slept with before him and he has never told me how many people he’s been with either. There is no reason to bring up past relationships, unless it’s going to affect the new one like in the case of if the other person has cheated before or if they are abusive in some way. They are things you’d obviously need to know when dating someone.
Why does it matter to him how many people you’ve been with? If he’s going to make or break his decision about you based on that make it easy for him and walk. You don’t want to be dating someone like this. It smells of trouble.
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