Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › New Problem on Top of Old Issue
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
mell.
-
AuthorPosts
-
leelee
I wrote a few days back about my bf maybe sending a false text to me that was meant for someone else. Well I never really spoke about the underlying issue which is this:
One Sunday morning 2 months ago I was in my car having after stayed at bf house. He was sitting w me while the car warmed up and I set up my GPS. A text came in, the alert onhis phone was on, and I ignored it. He has kids and who knows, right? He answers them, they answer back, and so on until he makes a face and says, “what?” So I ask,”whats going on?” He says it’s his friend M. (background she’s a female whom he met 4 years ago in a grocery store. He swears nothing has gone on with them. But she’s incredibly attractive and that bothers me, I”ll be honest. Also the fact that she convinced him I was cheating months ago which led to our first breakup. I later proved I wasn’t but that’s been resolved.)
So he tells me it’s M and shows me the texts. It looks like shes but looking to see what he’s doing. I told him ask what she wants. When he does, she is nasty and tells him to relax. He then leaves his phone on the car seat, and goes into the store. WHile in there I see the phone and she’s asking “is F there” (I’m F ) I saw this as a good sign that she knows I’m around. He comes back to the car, and before he could answer she says “Is she driving you to the store? if so I can lend you money, but it’ll be hard for me”
He doesn’t answer her, because I grabbed the phone and was gonna answer. But he begged me not to. I drove away and on the way home he and I spoke about what that looked like and he agreed it was suspicious that had the shoes been on the other foot he’d be furious.
Since then I can’t get it outta my head. He told me the other day that hes been thinking and feels he’s going to pull away from her. That I’m in his life and he has no need for her. I asked if he’s ever been to her house, he took a while to finally say no. He says she has a man of 8 years now, but that the man doesn’t understand her. That she’s charasmatic and has been there for him when he and I were apart. He had first said he won’t drop her, even though I told him that’s not what I wanted. Now he’s saying hes pulling away and she’s going to feel the distance. I just don’t know what to believe and my friends have different opinions on the subject.
This is just eating away at me. Today he said I have nothing to worry about. But then said, “even if we split up maybe years down the road..” and he got quiet. I asked him “what would happen even if I wasn’t around” And he said nothing just friendship. He told me she wanted to meet me and had invited me to breakfast w them one saturday I didn’t go. What do I do?
Anon
Let it go- he’s with you. This would get old to keep worrying over nothing.
Raven
Why didn’t you go?
leelee
why didn’t I go? Because we were on a break. He mentioned going to meet her for breakfast while we were talking about things. Then he goes “wanna come?” I was an afterthought. And i find it funny they were going to have breakfast now that I wasn’t in the picture for those 3 weeks.
He expressed being confused over her and asking my opinion. He said she encouraged him to reach out to me, because he was always talking about me. And that if he told me his true feelings that I’d go back. I did go back. Heres the problem – he is wondering why she’d encourage him to return to me, after convincing him I was cheating which caused the initial breakup.
So he’s asking me, “as a woman” for help because he’s confused. He also mentioned how none of her friends know about him. That she rushes him off the phone befroe she goes in to see her man. Meanwhile she didn’t respect his privacy that morning by offering to give him money. I reminded him he didn’t exactly defend me either.
When we argued before I left that initial time, he yelled at me saying he wasn’t going to give up his friend over something innocent. NOw, he’s saying he sees it’s not innocent.
I’m confused over HIS confusion.
Newbie
I find her making him believe you were cheating and him believing it the biggest problem here. That means she is butting in and in a way that is beyond normal. But you say that part is resolved. I wouldn not have accepted that so easy. A part of getting back would have been my demand he is no longer on contact with her. I can accept a lot of friendships but not one where there is trashing me. So now he is saying he is letting go (good sign right?) and the texts tje other day were not for sure her as i recall.
How old is this guy anyway? And how old are you? And how is he treating you in other aspects? I get a manipulative vibe from him when he makes statements like: maybe down the road. This woman will always be a red flag to you because:
1 you are insecure and maybe that insecurity gets fed by your bf
2 she acts intrusive
3 you bf seems somewhat smitten. Not in a way he would cheat but he put her on a pedestal. (The quote about her husband not understanding this).If i were you i would take a closer look On your relationship and stop making it all about this woman. Maybe this man is not a good man
leelee
Hi he’s 46, i’m 43. I am insecure, Ive been cheated on in the past and I have to admit her being his friend is just suspicious. He tries to throw my male friends in my face, however none of them are texting me and offering money at 8am on a Sunday, while they know I’m with my man. Also, I met them 20 years ago in college. He met her in a grocery store.
Maybe this is my insecurity, maybe not. I don’t know. But I do feel he’s not letting go of her. The other day he mentioned how she won’t give him a book she just finished reading. I asked why does she have to give you anything? He didn’t answer. Now he ordered it on amazon.
He says when they met she was involved with someone and is stil with that person. But I know too many women who are happy with being a side piece. Yesterday he mentioned having had a cock ring, then said he was joking. I laughed it off, said a friend of mine had one. He got quiet and said “that’s personal information to share with a friend of the opposite sex.” I just brushed off his jealousy and tried to change the subject. He comes back with “Oh, wait, M had sex with her boss and another woman” I said “oh, okay and howd that conversation come up??” He said he didn’t remember. Little things like that which stay with me and i’m struggling with…
Newbie
There are a lot of things i dont understand. First why could she convince him you were cheating when you never met her? Why did he believe her? And instead of being royally p!ssed at him and saying goodbye you went out of your way to prove you were not cheating and so it got resolved. That to me shows your relationship is unbalanced and he has the upper hand.
Then who would say to friend at sunday 8am when youre buying groceries if he needs to lend money. Thats so weird. Is he jobless? There must be some history of him having no money or it makes zero sense. To add: i can loan you but it will be hard for me is even weirder. Then the latest convo’s you shared in your post that it looks like both of you are playing blame or power games. All i can say it that having all those weird convo’s together plus his weird relationship woth M would be enough for me to be totally turned off by him. There is something totally off here and you staying wont help you. Are their people in your life who you can talk to and are better judges when it comes to you and him? Because all o get is a funky vibe but thats not very conclusive. Take care, at least consider this guy may not be right for youLiz Lemon
I can’t get over that they met in a grocery store. Was she trying to pick him up? They exchanged phone numbers? Who makes friends on a grocery run? I hope they were both single at the time. I’d be very upset if my boyfriend “befriended” a woman at the grocery store and gave her his number!
I agree with what’s been said already. This situation is too weird & confusing. I would be extremely turned off by this guy. It’s fine to have fenale friends, but she’s interfering in his relationship & he’s letting her. She convinced him you were cheating, how exactly?! And he believed her over you? And she’s calling him & asks if he’s with you (as if he’s accountable to her in some way?), and offers him money?
There are too many boundaries being crossed here & he seems totally fine with her intruding. There’s no way i’d put up with this kind of crap from a boyfriend. It would be her or me. Not because guys can’t have female friends, but because she’s extremely intrusive & told lies about you to break up your relationship with him. And he’s totally fine with it.
leelee
SO he agrees and apologized about allowing her to convince him. He had just cause. I was starting to be secretive and distant. And I did walk away after that. As for how they met, he had seen her a couple times at the store. Another thing is he’s not working now, he’s on workers comp. She had encouraged he go to school and when he started he didn’t have school supplies. I wasn’t lending him anything because I had already lent and decided he needed to start moving forward.
She didn’t ask if he was with me, she assumed I was when he didn’t answer her, which I took as a good sign. My friends agree it’s weird but see he’s a great guy with me. He’s given me his codes to social media, has included me on all future plans, is responsive, answers all texts and still initiates everything. He is quick to apologize and then change whatever bothers me. He listens and explains when something bothers him. Our physical, mental, emotional, intellectual connection is on point. He is jealous and so am I. I just hide it better.
He cleaned up his social media so that any woman he dated or had anything with is now gone. He is starting new. Getting a good job, recently got the settlement and wants me to move in with him. He’s looking for apartments in my neighborhood so that I’m close to my family.
Yes, her presence and the possibility of her presence bothers me and that’s why I posted before about this text:
him – I finished my task
me – yay!
him – of course not
me – I saved some cars
him – I share everything with youTo me, he’s talking to someone. He had told me he was pulling back from her. And that she was starting to notice the difference and the distance. He also told me she was always complaining about work and home and that her life was always in turmoil.
Look I don’t know what to believe and I don’t know how much of what I’m feeling is gut or insecurity. But one thing he knows is I’m not afraid to walk away. And because we are stuck quarantined he could be doing anything.
Last night we were getting ready to watch a movie on tv using facetime. The tone for a text came through loud. He has a PC not a mac so I’m not sure if his messages are synced. He said it was me on IG sending him a message. However i had already sent one 20 minutes earlier. That is bothering me. Do I leave it alone? I’m not ready to have a big full on fight and split up…i have enough going on without this causing trouble…
Liz Lemon
I honestly don’t know what to tell you. On the one hand you make a long list of all the reasons he’s great for you and how your physical, mental, emotional etc connection is perfect. Then you write that you are on the verge of having a big fight because a text notification came in and you are suspicious about who the text might be from. And, you’re suspicious because you re-read an old text from him and are convinced it was meant for her. You don’t trust him on the most basic level, but then you write paragraphs about how great he is for you. See the disconnect there? Something is very off.
I don’t think you’re being totally honest with yourself. This is my impression from reading both your posts on this topic. I feel like you’re making excuses for him and trying to convince yourself that he’s so great for you. But at the end of the day a guy who is really great for you would not be swayed by a female friend into thinking you were cheating on him. Even though you try to justify it with your behavior (again, making excuses for him)– saying you were starting to be secretive and distant– it doesn’t change the fact that this woman manipulated him into believing lies about you and he chose to believe her. If you were acting distant, he should have come to you to talk about it. This woman should not be in the middle of your relationship.
At the end of the day we’re all strangers on the internet. We can’t tell you whether to trust and believe him or not. We can’t tell you whether his friendship with this woman should bother you or not. You have to decide that. All I we can do is give you our opinions based on the info you give us, and we’ve done that.
Newbie
I had the exact same feeling as liz lemon plus the text convo you showed here is totally different from your other threat so i figured i wouldnt bother anymore. He is either great and you trust him and can get passed the past or its not. Last post shows you are a good fit so then proceed. I would say you have sufficiënt cause to demand he stops seeing her. Im really never into saying those things but a woman (and i think he doesnt even know her that well if he doesnt even know for sure she has a partner) that is being destructive towards you and your relationship doesnt fit in your lives.
I have the same doubts as liz but i can only go by what you wrote and some subtext so in the end its your gut and callkaye
This grocery store incident happened 2 months ago and you’re still letting it get to you. The thing I find particularly strange is you didn’t mention the fact this woman was the reason you broke up and got back together in your original post. As a matter of fact I don’t ever remember you saying you had broken up and gotten back together. Apparently he asked her to borrow money and it was going to be hard for her but she was going to make it work. This woman is meddling in your relationship, convincing him you cheated, then encouraging him to reach out to you and go back to you. Of course he’s confused as to why she would do this….I’m confused as to why she would do this and you probably are too!!
BEFORE the two of you got back together would have been the perfect time to tell him things needed to end with M. That you weren’t going to be with a guy who allowed another woman to interfere with your relationship and cause you to break up when you did nothing wrong. The fact when he gets jealous of something you say he throws out a threesome M told him about to make you jealous is incredibly childish. Both of you are insecure.
If you are seriously considering moving in with him and he’s starting fresh cleaning up his social media of exes then this is the time you need to make it clear, BEFORE you two move in together this issue needs to be resolved. You seriously can’t be worried about every single text he receives and whether or not it’s her. That’s crazy. And the fact you don’t believe his answer means you don’t trust him. I just don’t see a future for this relationship unless you believe him. Answer me this…if she were to break up with her guy and be leaning on your man for support because she was upset, wanting to meet with him, having him over to her place to console her…what would you do?
leelee
You’re all right. There’s insecurities here, confusion. Truth is I met up with an ex while he and I was apart. Like immediately afterwards. When he came back to reconcile, saying he was in love with me, he asked what I had done. Said he had a feeling. I told him I met up with an ex. No we were not intimate. But this is an ex i’ve been friends with now for years, and he’s terribly insecure about it, so I understand. I told him the truth so that he could make a sound decision. Even if that meant leaving me for good. He stayed, said he loves me and sees a future and is starting to get things in order for us. I asked him if he met up with anyone he said no. But I remember him disappearing off whatsapp between the hours of 8pm-10am for a week while we were apart. I though the had finally found work that was acceptable to his lawyers (he’s on workers comp) He swears he only turned it off and that was it.
I let that go. AFterall he was willing to come back after I saw an ex for dinner. Then he told me that because I was being so incredibly honest with him, he decided to look at M’s actions. He ended up telling her that what she did was intrusive and wrong and she almost ruined a good thing. That he never bothers her when she’s home w her man. He told me it upset him and I told him Id stand behind anything he decides.
Fast forward to last week and he’s asking about an old friend of mine on facebook who put a heart emoji under my pic. I told him he’s a friend of over 20 years. He finds out the guy attends the same church as M. He proceeds to ask M what she knows about him. She tells him something that is true, that he was engaged. When i asked him if M knew the girl by E, he laughed mentioning something she said which was a play on words. That upset me.
Look. Here’s the situation: we are both insecure. I gave him reason, he gave me reason. We are working this out because we are aware of these short comings. We argue but then make up quickly and understand whats going on. I just am wondering if I’m taking it too far..
Newbie
Im sorry but the more you say about him, the more i see red flags. Like who in their right mind goes to ask a friend of you, who put a heart emoiji under a pic of you? And goes on with snooping and finds out he and M go to the same church. All promises he was done with M are overboard so it looks since he contacts her about him. Thats totally crazy and controlling behaviour. You seem to feel so lucky he took you back, you are willing to overlook everything. What do you know of hos previous relationships like his ex where he has 3 kids with. How is their relationship? And as a dad?
I really dont want to rain on your parade, but i wouldnt be in any rush to live with this man. And then there are also financial issues, work restrictions, settlements. This could all be without his fault but to me its doesnt sound reassuring. Well i really wish you all the best and hope you can guide yourself with whats best for youmell
1. Female friends are fine. They can be great. The problem here is not that she’s female, its’ that she’s over involved. A friend shouldn’t be persuading your partner that you cheated on them – unless there’s literally so much evidence n front of them that they really have no choice. I find it hard to believe that she’s not posessive in some way – whether platonically or sexually. Because friends with appropriate boundaries don’t get that involved. You have every right to dislike her – she went out of her way to spread lies about your relaitonship that nearly ended everything. Though it sounds liek your behaviour wasn’t perfect – presuming you didn’t cheat then there really can’t have been enough evidence for her to get that involved. Why did he believe her – he sounds like he barely knows her but he decided to believe with no real evidence? It’s just sad.
2. It’s *not* reassuring that she asked if you were there – if she had nothing to hide, she wouldn’t need to ask. People ask who’s around when they want a private chat. I’m not saying it’s sexual – maybe she just feels like you get in the way. But a friend who is neutral messages jsut the same whether you’re there or not. I only tell friends I’m at the guy’s (or he messages his friends to say he’s with me) to explain why we might not be texting them back very quickly or aren’t free that evening. But my ‘friends’ dont start every convo by asking if my boyfriend is around. That’s not normal.
3. A sane partner doesn’t go all PI just cos someone put a heart emoji on your wall. To get her to dig up his personal life because she goes to the same church seems like a lot of effort – that’s far worse than just clicking on his profile out of curiosity. If he’s engaged, it’s probably on facebook, anyway. Some people just use lots of emojis. at worst, maybe that guy has a mild crush on you – but as long as he doesn’t cross the line and you don’t cheat, it doesn’t matter. Out of interest, i wonder if M uses a lot of emojis with him? How would he feel if you reacted similarly.
4. maybe he just disappeared off whatsapp to sleep. Or it could have een a woman, but you were broken up so you shouldn’t have bee stalking when he was online. Why did you see the ex for dinner? If you wanted to get back with him, hanging out with an ex you know he felt insecure about wasn’t going to help the situation.
5. my emails frequently notify on my comp at a different time than they do on my phone, so it’s not impossible. But he shouldn’t have to explain every message to you. In most relationships you almost never have to care who a message is from (unless you’re waiting to hear if that friend is joining you) – it shouldn’t be necesary to ask what his notificaitons are. Giving each other passwords should be unnecessary if there’s trust – I bet most people here don’t know their partner’s passwords. Hell, We barely check each other’s social media, unless our phones aren’t working so we need another means of communication. It’s good that he’s taking steps to make you feel comfortable ad long as he agrees getting rid of exes may be reasonable if he cheated with them – but that wasn’t the problem here. The problem is that there’s much more than the usual insecurity here on both sides.
-
AuthorPosts
