New Relationship – Met Online – Need Advice

All of this drama over a guy you’ve never met?!

You should never, ever get this emotionally entangled and spend hours and hours talking on the phone with a guy you’ve never even met in person. It just makes both people build up a fantasy connection in their heads that is not based in reality.

If you meet now, there is a 99% chance it will fall flat because you’ve both built up this fantasy in your heads of how the other one is, which is not based in reality.

I’ll add that this guy doesn’t sound like a good candidate for a relationship because he told you (a woman he’s never met) that he’s not ready for a relationship and isn’t ready to share his space with someone right now. Even though he rescinded what he said, it’s significant he said it at all.

What do I think you should do? Meet for a coffee. Don’t overthink it. And when this falls flat (which it will), in the future, when you meet guys online do NOT spend hours and days/weeks talking and texting before you meet! Always meet soon after connecting, so that you can have an accurate idea of your chemistry, and you don’t get overly invested in a fantasy. There is no reason on earth why you should be having deep personal conversations with a stranger over the phone, when you can meet, hopefully click, and have them in person.

Hey, thanks for that really!

The only reason I wanted to delay the meeting was because of this corona thing. We’re both working from home. So for safety reasons, o thought I can meet him later when there really won’t be any reason to worry. Seeing news updates and all that is scary sorta.

If it falls flat, there really is nothing to lose. I like him as a person because not one man I’ve dated in the past has been so good in communication in spite of being a private kinda person … Zero mind games so it is comforting.

Yeah, so for the first time, it’s okay that I ask him out?

You’re overthinking it. You shouldn’t be sharing your deepest secrets with a stranger, or building things up like this. See what you’ve done? It’s been so built up and the expectations are so huge, that now you’re nervous about even meeting him for a coffee. I don’t mean to scold, sorry, but you’re making this harder than it needs to be. Just tell him, “I’ve enjoyed talking with you but we should really meet in person to see if we have chemistry. When are you free?” and leave it at that. You’re not meeting to have sex or get married, you’re meeting for an hour or two (max) to have coffee. It’s a perfectly sensible, reasonable request. Necessary, even. How will all these beautiful things you’ve talked about materialize if you never meet? If he’s “scared into his shell” (!) by such a reasonable request, then he has major issues and is not relationship material.

If you do meet, don’t get sucked into a 12 hour date or anything intense. If it starts quickly, it burns out quickly. Just meet for a couple of hours, then go home and think over about whether there was chemistry and how well you connected.

To be honest, I don’t think this guy is really available for a relationship, from what you’ve written. I think he likes the fantasy. I suspect if you push to meet, he’ll cause drama, say he’s not ready, or make excuses– but will want to continue talking and texting and receiving your attention. I doubt he wants anything real. A man who was seeking something real would have asked YOU to meet a long time ago.

Yes, it’s really not complicated. He should want to meet you. He should be eager! No need for long discussions about it. If he’s weird about it, changes his mind, gives you excuses for why he can’t meet– that’s an enormous red flag. In that case, I would recommend telling him you’re looking for a real-life relationship, not a virtual one, so can’t continue putting your energy into him if he can’t at least meet you in person. Wish him well, and move on.

It feels great as if you have found your ‘soulmate’, but agree with others that you need to meet him in real person. And guy comes intense will go away fast too – I feel that he doesn’t know what he want and it doesn’t bother him to have someone around. Texting you does not equal to investing in you; and you’d better not consider this as a relationship.

Sorry for being a bit direct, but hope you may think about this. All the best :)

Girl, get it together. This whole post is a poop show and you are the center. This is not about him.

Over investment in feelings
Over sharing about your life with a stranger
No limiting time of interaction
Thinking you have a fantasy connection with someone you have not met
Not seeing the guy for who he is…. comes on strong, backs off (gross)
You initiating instead of letting him lead
He does play games…. hot and cold game (very unhealthy)
Not agreeing to see each other

You are not acting like a high value woman to yourself that you are engaging in this malarkey, that you keep investing, and that you do not see what this dude already showed you – that he will back away if he feels it is too much, even if he created the too much. Red flag for both of you.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but there is nothing healthy here and the fact that you think there is is alarming and in you for what you accept into your life.

How can you be friends with a guy you’ve never even met? You haven’t read anything anyone here has told you.

I figured he would make some excuse not to meet. If he’s “too anxious” to have a cup of coffee with you, he is not someone who is emotionally available to date. And why would you want a friendship with him?

If he truly works that much (I question if he actually does, but whatever), he has no time for a relationship. But I don’t think that’s the issue.

This guy is a basket case. So many red flags here. This is all a fantasy for him. Can’t you see that? Write him off and move on.

You also ignore your own gut totally. You call him and you sense he lacks exitement so you cut the call short. And what do you do then? Text him if this weekend works for him. To make it even worse, you act like he is a Chinese doll adding only if he feels comfortable, no pressure. Come on. You must know better than to do this?
Sorry im harsh too but i hate women getting stuck in phantasy land

Oh boy! He IS busy working. He’d send me photos and videos of his meetings and explain to me everyday of whenever we’re talking ALL his updates, the office hierarchy, programming stuff, who is on leave, all that … He’s what you’d call a very devoted worker. He often says, “I signed up for this, so I was sorta prepared for all this, so I don’t mind. And it’s not just me. The whole team is struggling on different shifts. Even married men and women are working as much as I am. My director is also working as much as I or even more on some days”. So he IS busy.

Before we had the argument, we were connected on social media and I could see all his posts. Even these days, he shares every single thing that happens in his life – yesterday was dad’s birthday, but he’s away from his family, only his bro is there, so the bro ordered pastries and they had a small celebration.

I can call him anytime of the day. I’ve done it a few times thinking he’d be awake but he’d be asleep and still answer and say, “it’s okay, tell me” and we’d talk. He’d even tell me how many cigarettes he smokes, what food he’s had, and how he wants to change his lifestyle to smoking less, eating healthy food, and working out. He shared his location earlier with me.

Are all these things enough to trust that a guy is single, leading a bachelor life with a robot like life?

He and I really enjoy talking. Believe me, he shares almost every single update. (Now will I be told it’s too early to share every update in daily life? 🙄)

Except that the talking is not like how it used to be – earlier it was not just intimacy or something. We actually developed a very strong connection. This is the problem.

Not trusting him as a person but trusting him as relationship material.

What I like the most about what we share? Honest, direct communication – the only time I had to question myself before speaking my mind was regarding this thread. Otherwise, we are very comfortable in frankly speaking to each other. And he’s not rude in the slightest bit. Neither is baiting me for any sexual favours or otherwise.

What I like the least about this? The status quo! I don’t expect us to dive fully into a serious committed relationship right away, no. But I at least expect some kind of benefits that come with dating. Like the occasional flirting (and not just platonic daily life updates), dating, enjoying food,music, and dance, etc. And he’s acting like a robot!

Once again: in the first two weeks he was like the perfect boyfriend material – won’t smother much and won’t give me less attention either – just the right balance! Later he said he tried to bring back to life his “dormant side” (romantic side) after years of no dating but his “dominant side” is very uncomfortable and he wants to be single – but he doesn’t want to lose me, so he wants to give it a try.

I can go to his home even now. There is no reason to doubt that he’s a single, nice guy. I hope you get it. A husband or boyfriend can’t give me SO MANY life updates, please!

The problem is that he says he’s “feeling anxious” and “wants to take it slow” … And his pace puts us in what I feel is status quo.

Otherwise, if this wouldn’t work out, he and I can remain friends – not that I desperately seek his friendship or anybody’s friendship – not that these few weeks will affect me if he’d say he’s dating someone else in the future – no worries there. I’m not gonna settle for a FWB and he knows that very well – we respect each other. Even if we cut it off right here, I have no problem. Nothing to lose.

I hope this gives a better idea.

No sorry your update just shows how deep in quick sand of e-tetherland you are. You are being e-tethered. After the first two weeks or so of romantic flirting this guy has told you already in 5 different ways he doesnt want a relationship: his dormant side said do, he said he would only CASUAL date you, you can date other guys, he wants to take it slow when you have never met yet. Why cant you see a normal guy would just ask you out? And a normal girl wouldnt think of two weeks of texting he is the perfect bf. I dont know what to to say to you. I dont think you will snap out of this. So now you asked him out for weekend, when he is comfortable without pressure, Lets see what he really does.
There is also a weird detail: are you saying he blocked you from social media about the argument? Also a huge red flag

Everything you say is literally alarming.

He is not your boyfriend, you have not met him.

And all this about some random dude you have been talking to means you are just as obsessed with this as you have been in the past.

You clearly are thinking about this all the time, the fact that you can give us so many details about what you said, he said did etc.

And you should not know so many details or share so many details. You should have your own darn life and so should he.

Yikes, I am peacing out on this one.

I wish you would wake up to you and what you tolerate.

The fact that you are so obsessed you blocked a stranger when just ending it would have been fine says it all.

What everyone else says-you are starting to sound desperate and stslkerish too. This guy has little interest and is not a good bet for any kind of relationship. YOU HAVE NOT MET HIM!

When you meet people on line,meet them quickly in real life. A few messages,short ones, to pique some interest and then go for a coffee or drink. A week tops from first contact to meet up,unless you live any distance apart. Then 2 weeks max.