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Hmmm.
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Hmmm
I have been dating a 39 yr old divorced man for 2 months. He’s been divorced over a year. I’ve been divorced over 5 years. He treats me like a queen! He communicates very often and literally when we’re together he waits on me hand and foot! I am very grateful to have known him. He struggles emoting much emotion (he admits that) but we’ve deleted the dating app we met on and are exclusive. His personality is kind of the dry, little bit boring type but I’m super chatty so it works. We don’t so much flirting over text or on phone – but he’s very passionate and affectionate on our dates.
We live down the street from each other, work from home so have been taking extra precautions to isolate so we could still see each other during this crazy time. We’ve worked out a schedule of every Wednesday and Saturday.
My question is – as our relationship progresses I just see he has so many things on his plate (which I don’t necessarily mind) He’s taken certification classes for boating and hunting. He’s currently cleaning out a rental property and making repairs to it. He always a bunch of goals. It’s endearing.
But my (very small) concern is -since we made it official about 3 weeks ago that we are definitely “in a relationship” he just seems pretty blasé about getting together. He no longer says I’m excited to see you, or can’t wait to see you, etc. We spend less than 24 hours together when we do see each other. (Wednesday from 5pm to Thursday 8am, and on Saturday-Sunday like 3pm to noon). He’s not asked me to spend the weekend yet, although we are talking about a road trip after quarantine lifts.
Im just wondering if it’s a flag he seems to be really relaxed about the amount of time we spend together? I’m 42, but still super excited to see him and feel like we’re definitely still in the honeymoon stage. He however sorta acts like we’ve been together forever. Should a new relationship be more … can’t get enough of seeing each other type of thing? (Sex is amazing and we have plenty of it when we see each other) NOT trying to find problems. Just wondering opinions of this. I want a man crazy for me. He’s steady and sweet. Just wondering if fire to see me isn’t here now – will we burn out quick?
Ss
It sounds like he is relaxing into being exclusive in a relationship with you and thats ok! You can’t have excited fireworks forever … but the way you describe him makes it sound a bit like you are settling. Like he is Mr Good enough rather than Mr OMG. Steady, boring, unemotional… they are not exactly positive descriptors and if i had a partner describe me like that I’d feel quite crap!
Its good he is lovely to you but just be mindful of settling
Raven
How long was his marriage?
Hmmm
I am still deciding, obviously how I feel. I don’t feel I can make a decision that I’m settling yet. I’m super interested in him and didn’t mean to make him sound like a dud. He’s not when we’re together in person. But yes, in between on text and phone he’s a bit … not playful or vibrant. Haha! But I’ve had a bad history of picking charismatic men who haven’t been good to me. I love the way this guy treats me! And I’m madly physically attracted to him. And we can talk about anything! It’s nice to feel we also have a friendship.
Raven he was married 5 years. With his ex for 6.
I just get the feeling he wanted to lock me down, but also enjoy his life being single maybe? I don’t mind having him ease into something because after my divorce I was really avoidant of a serious relationship but I was married a lot longer. I don’t mind going slow. He texts me everyday. And we talk on the phone all the time. I just guess I hope he sees something with me and isnt just enjoying my attention and companionship. I guess this site says to wait for 3-4 months right?! So I have a couple to go to see how I feel and what he does. Dating is great but also makes me a bit anxious.
Phoebe
I sometimes wonder if whether the man I’m seeing stopped taking me out to dinner and trying to woo me all the time I’d still be as into him… Into him for “him” without all the extras
Newbie
The pace seems fine to me. I guess he likes to compartementalize and if he is not big on expressing emotions it makes sense he wouldnt express miss you’s etc. So Yeah its up to the coming months to a year to see if you both are a good match. Good luck
mell
As long as he keeps seeing you and showing an effort, things will naturally relax a bit as the honeymoon stage fades. As we get less insecure in our relationships, we relax into being ourselves and aren’t worried about arbitrary dating rules and impressing each other.
What matters is that he keeps making an effort and keeps seeing you. With time that should ramp up – if you find yourselves spending a lot less time talking or seeing each other, that’s a red flag he’s growing bored. But if things hold steady or increase, that’s a good sign.
Addison
OP- this is a really interesting one to me. Most of these you read, its so obvious to everyone else whats going on (which is sadly, that the girl is settling or putting up with a guy who doesn’t want her in the hopes he’ll change) but just not obvious to the reader. but “whats going on here” didn’t just jump out to me – here it’s almost like i need a bit more info.
my thoughts, definitely take it or leave it:
1 love what Ss said. It’s almost like you feel “meh” towards him (definitely not like GAGA or “want to rip your clothes off” hot for him) – but you’re settling bc he’s “nice” and you’re brain’s telling you its so good to not be with someone who’s a drama queen or abusive. that is so true and SO GOOD that you’re learning to be with only good fellas – but that doesnt mean you need to stay with someone who only makes you feel meh.
2 i feel your dating timeline seems wayyyyy to early to be all “relaxed relationshippy and past the honeymoon phase.” I’ve seen the honeymoon phases last for 3 years, 1 year and 18months or so. (This is exactly why i never tell people to get engaged unless its been a while- the rest of the relationship can be very different than the first year). Do you *want* heart-pumping gaga? Ultimately, if this is not what you want, you don’t need to stay and settle. Take some time to center yourself and listen to your inner voice. See what she says.
3 overall- i see no red flags here, but I would just say always make sure you’re not on a compleeeeetly different page than him – as in, definitely don’t treat him like a priority when you’re just an option. does he just want a steady hookup? do you? does he want a real relationship while maybe you just want to have someone for now? or vice versa? see what i mean?
good luck and keep your chin up. thanks for all of your context!
-a
Liz Lemon
I’m with Addison. You’ve been dating 2 months, you should be in the throes of the honeymoon period. It surprises me that he’s blase about getting together or that things feel so “settled” this early on.
You mention he’s only been divorced about a year but was married for 5. Here’s the thing. Men who are married get used to having female companionship. I wonder if this guy misses the comfort level of a long term partner and has fast tracked things a bit mentally to get to the “settled” stage. I’m not saying his feelings for you aren’t genuine. I just think being only 1 year divorced is a bit soon to enter a serious relationship. So i wonder if that’s at play here.
I’m not saying it’s impossible for him to successfully have a relationship at this point. And again, i’m not criticizing your relationship at all. He sounds like a nice guy who is attentive & into you. But it did strike me as very odd that at only 2 months in, things sound so “meh”. I agree with what’s been said, just keep dating and see where things go, and make sure you’re not settling for less than you want.
Hmmm
Thank you everyone for the kind advice! I’m considering all of it. I don’t feel at all like I’m settling (just now) because I do want to rip his clothes off regularly. But his lack of flirting and being playful with me make me wonder about him just wanting a relationship because that’s what he’s used to – or if this is just how he IS. I’ve just never spent this much time with someone and can’t tell if this is who he is, or if it’s who he is with ME. If I knew this was just his personality but he was crazy about me- I think I would feel pretty damn lucky because I feel so cared for when we are together. Either way the trick now is too be patient and let him show me, as well as check in with myself. And see if our time increases or fizzles out.
Thanks again -
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