Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › New to Online Dating — He wants to meet up at 9pm
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kaye.
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Jen
Hey guys, I’ve recently started online dating and I’m not quite sure about the rules and stuff.
So this guy who I was talking to asked to meet up relatively early (after just a few messages), and I said Okay. So we’re supposed to meet on Friday (we started talking on Saturday) –I was hoping we would talk more online until Friday so I would get to know him more but he’s only msged me like once/day since then (even though it shows he’s online all day)
We are supposed to have a coffee date. I was thinking it’d be like 6/7pm. He said he’s free at 9pm. Isn’t that kinda late..? I’m not really comfortable with meeting a random guy at that time.
I feel like backing out of the date…what do you guys think?
Talllady
Oh sweetie this whole thing is a no no no no. If you want to get to know him better than asking better questions when he contacts you so that can help. Never agree to coffee for a date, especially at 9 p.m. so this is what you say to him: I’m so excited to meet you in person, but a 9pm start for a date is too late for me because I always hit the gym early on Saturdays. Could you meet up earlier, say 7:30 ish?
Or you could say you have later plans but look forward to connecting.
Talllady
I’m going through a phase where I don’t just agree to a date with a complete stranger, I insist upon getting to know them a little bit better through several emails, & a phone call. In addition, I never agree to coffee, that is a business meeting…
Karem
Hi..
Coffee for first date is just perfect. It is short, it gives you quick time to realize if you click with him in person or not without the awkward situation of having a meal with an stranger and also if you want to leave right away.. just drink or take the coffee and go.!!
I don’t feel coffee is only for a business meeting. Back to the question, coffee at 9am sounds like he is thinking about other stuff later. Bad idea at 9pm for first time and coffee.
In my case, I don’t even give my phone number to any stranger that asks me for it on online dating. I make that clear to them. I need to chat more or email to clear some facts before giving my number or plan a first date.
But, that’s me. I don’t have much free time and the time I use to dating should pass my filters first.Karem
*9 pm
Jen
Yah that’s why I went with coffee as well, because it’s an easy escape if the date goes bad.
@Talllady, I tried asking him more questions, but he just gave like one-word replies, and he never bothered asking questions to get to know me better.
@Karem, I agree. and Idk my gut feeling is saying this guy is up to no good. I think I”m going to tell him we have to cancel the date.
Anna
Bootycall!!!
kaye
Jen
I don’t get a good feeling about this either. If a guy doesn’t show enough interest in me from the beginning I’m not going to agree to a date. I think you jumped the gun a little by agreeing to a date after only a few messages. It usually takes me a few days of messages to get a good feeling about a guy. And like talllady I also like to have a phone call after we’ve been messaging awhile just to see if we click. I think you are right to cancel the date.
Girl_Friday37
No, 9pm would be far, far too late for me.
I try to arrange firs dates at my convenience if possible. So, an evening date would be no later than 7.30pm (but I always aim for 7pm if they guy can make it).
However, I do my best to try and arrange first dates to be during the daytime (so, yes a coffee date would be ideal for this), mainly because if a guy flakes at the last minute I don’t feel I’ve made as big an effort coming out during the day as opposed to the evening and I can always go and do something else (like shopping). Also, if I’m not interested it’s far easier to cull the date after an hour and say I’m meeting a friend, got an errand to run, etc, whereas I wouldn’t have that opportunity in the evening.
I don’t like too many long, involved emails that go on too long, some light-hearted jokey chitchat does me with the suggestion of a date coming up after about 2-3 days is what I usually prefer.
Personally, I never speak on the phone with potential dates as I find it easier to meet a stranger in person than stumble over an awkward phone conversation. I wouldn’t have met half the men I’ve had online dates with if I’d have spoken to them on the phone first, which I know seems like that would be better, but my plan was to get out there and meet people and go on dates, not judge them (and be judged) based a phone call.
Good luck.
Boog
If he is only giving you one word answers when you ask questions, and if he doesn’t ask you any questions, why would you even want to go out with him?? He sounds like a dud, and yes, 9pm is too late for a start time.
Jen
Thanks for the advice ladies.
Lol Boog well he started off nice and interested!
So how do I politely tell him I dont want to see him?
Boog
I would just send him a message saying something came up and you are not going to be able to make the date after all. You don’t owe him more than that at this point.
L
Jen,
A coffee date for me is fine even though I prefer dinner/drinks but that is me! 9PM on a Friday? could be he is working late but I do agree that is a bit late for coffee. I have met guys at 8PM for first time encounters with no problem or “booty call” initiative. However, if you feel something is not right but want to see his reaction…you can say:
“Listen 9PM this Friday is not going to work for me…..Call me and we can discuss it further over the phone! Thanks talk to you soon!”
Texting is not the greatest form of communication and some people are bad at it….it would make sense to talk on the phone and get a feel for him! Then after you have tried all of these if you still feel “something is off”…then don’t communicate with him anymore.
There was a guy I spoke to on the phone once and we texted briefly over 2 weeks no over texting but we did text short messages on a constant basis…we were scheduled to meet one day and he canceled. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and rescheduled. Texted again that week before our 2nd scheduled meeting…the day before I just wasn’t feeling it. He asked me where we were meeting and I responded by saying “I didn’t think I was going to make the date”. Never heard from him again….so guys can sense also when your not interested so giving them a few hints will also work!
Andie
Eh, I met my boyfriend back in Feb. on Match. After a few emails he asked to meet for a drink on a Tuesday night. I had a meeting until 8 so he suggested 8:30. Worked out great, we each had 2 drinks, got to know each other better and both said we’d like to see each other again. No, it wasn’t a booty call, he walked me to my car, hugged me and that was that. Don’t overthink it so much, just go! have fun!
Rhiannon
Online dating is so weird isn’t it? Realistically, there could be nothing wrong with what he’s suggesting. However, are you the “grab a cup of coffee at 9pm” kind of girl? I think not. In my experience men, especially the ones you meet on line, fall into two categories – those looking to meet someone for a real relationship and those looking for fun. Coffee at 9pm is fun, and may lead to something, but I would feel like I was being “squeezed in” at that time of night, don’t you think? If someone wants to meet me, we can share a meal. If I am interested in him, I will let him pay (providing he offers…different subject there). And if I don’t feel a romantic connection then I offer to pay my way. I don’t need a “quick getaway” — coffee is bogus and most guys who suggest it have multiple dates a week or even in a day. Say ‘next’ and give a guy a chance who is a gentleman and willing to treat you right from day one. Just my opinion :)
karem
Jen, you said you’ve texting/chatting for 5 days -only-.
If a man at that point is so lazy and respond in monosyllables only, it doesn’t worth my time. Sorry.
So, you have to get the words out of his mouth with a spoon? Imagine if starting a relationship like that.. what a pain in the a*
Khadija
I also agree that 9pm is too late and for coffee no less.
Please go with your gut on this one, if something feels off don’t go.
There are plenty of men online that have more conversation, pick better times to meet, and something a little more interesting besides coffee.Bernard
What if the person works at a job that goes from 2PM to 9PM? Like a piano teacher? Are you going to penalize him for that?
Amanda
Really old post Bernard.
kaye
Seems Bernard is a little sensitive to this topic. And I would love to know what piano teacher teaches until 9 at night!! LOL My daughter takes piano and I can’t even find someone who would teach her after 5 when I can get off work!! So I have to get someone else to pick her up from school and take her to lessons.
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