Newly engaged w/a soon to be step daughter

Agree with Maddie that you should discuss this with him. I also think you should prepare for some pushback from him if you criticize his parenting style. Most parents (including myself) aren’t too receptive to criticism of how we parent our kids, especially if it comes from someone who doesn’t have kids themselves. And especially if we are not objectively doing anything wrong, which this man isn’t. He’s comfortable parenting his daughter in a certain way and I honestly don’t think that will change.

If you’re uncomfortable having her involved in the purchase of the house, you should tell him so. I think having a conversation about this specific topic is a good idea since you feel strongly about it.

But making a general statement about how he involves her too much in “adult topics” is vague, and will probably only make him defensive. I’m just putting myself in his shoes– I wouldn’t respond well to something like that. I doubt he’ll change anything about his general parenting style to accommodate a partner. So you’ll have to accept that this is the way he’s going to parent her.

Why is it wrong to ask you if you are staying? You are engaged to her dad. Seems like a very reasonable question.

Honestly, I dont know you, but you seem very rigid. Nothing wrong with it, just not my style. I am glad you found a partner who can roll with that. There is a lid for every pot.

Thanks Liz. I get some people are okay with that; however, growing up I would’ve been in a lot of trouble questioning an adult with the example I gave and an 8 year old should not ask an adult their plans next when they aren’t around. As he brought to light when I mentioned it, “it is t any of her business”. That’s what wrong, it poses as no respect for adults. He told me the next time she asks me a question out of line to tell her to as her dad and he will let her know it is out of line. That works for me so we are good. Also, it is never okay for a child to ask an adult their age. That is disrespectful and I grew up with my fiancé and he is well aware of that based on the fact I know the way his mother raised him. In our culture particularly it is startling. I think this is more of acceptable in a non-African American culture particularly Caucasian. That sounds like who is commenting as this being acceptable.

Got it…but just to clarify her asking me how old I was occurred in the first meeting between me and his daughter. At that time, I was pretty much a stranger to her being introduced. I’m not sure whether that makes a difference in your eyes. I can see if I’d already established a relationship and it came up. I think that would be a little different or more understanding.

I believe you are crossing some boundaries here. His daughter is asking a simple question regarding your age, probably out of curiosity, and I don’t see anything wrong or outside the lines if you are going to be a part of the family. She is going to find out anyway, and it really is up to her parents to decide how she is to be raised, not you. If they are OK with it, then you need to hold your tongue.

A step-parent is allowed to correct if the child is breaking a rule but the child needs to know what those rules are. A simple, “It isn’t inappropriate to ask someone’s age” is fine but the problem with it today is that its no longer a ‘taboo’ type of topic as age is simply a number that relays how long someone has been on this earth. Society is now more open and accepting of it, so you are going to have a difficult time enforcing your beliefs on those who have so much access to the world today.

I also disagree that she shouldn’t not be able to see the house before you purchase it. Her input is just as important, as she will be living there too. We were military and moved around a lot whereas our kids came with us to look at houses. We ultimately made the decision as adults but there’s no reason to not include children in decisions that could affect them, such as schooling, neighborhood, other kids her age to play with, whereas it seems like you aren’t taking her into consideration at all to be honest. My parental two cents.

This so much Padmini. We’ve had further discussion on the overall concern I have and I think we’ve come to a good and mutual agreement. Overall, it seems if I didn’t bring these things up I could end up in a marriage where I feel just along for the ride. Where my future husband is allowing his woman to be on the same playing field as his child. To give further clarity, aside from the house situation and the adult questioning….while we were out eating his daughter asked why I have an ring if I’m not even married. I told her because it’s an engagement ring. She He said, remember I told you were getting married. Later I told she doesn’t understand and you need to explain what an engagement means although you say she does understand it’s clear she doesn’t. She needs to understand the significance of an engagement ring that it is something sacred and there is significance behind it. His response to her when she asked if she can have one answer being yes is setting it up like his daughter and I are competing. I get one so she gets one sends her the wrong message. She needs to understand that an engagement ring is something you receive as a gift from a man that proposes to you when that time comes when you are an adult. He agreed to buying her a ring and it shouldn’t be something she believes he’s giving her because he gave me one. Again, no woman wants to feel like their on the same playing field as their man’s child. It can lead a woman to feel there is no space/room for you to fit into the equation. In other words, no space for a woman to be in your life.
Security in my role, distinction and significance of who I am in your life now and in the future is distorted.

Okay. I’m going to stop posting on here. There is no way in heck I’m jealous of his daughter and no way he should let her believe dads give daughters an engagement ring. That is totally off base and out of line. No one who has children I’ve spoken with as friends nor strangers believe that. It’s ridiculous…And so me and his daughter now should have matching engagement rings. That is definitely teaching her the wrong message. Not sure what culture you are from but It is ridiculous. What’s the point of him marrying me. I’m starting to now believe any advice I received in the past on this site is flawed or either a joke. This has nothing to do with him choosing me over his daughter. Thanks but no Thanks!

“no woman wants to feel like their on the same playing field as their man’s child.”

This is where people are picking up on jealousy/resentment in your posts. It’s not a competition with his daughter, but you’re making it one. You ARE on the same playing field as his child! She is not his wife, but she is the most important person in his life. There is room in his life for both of you.

It’s not about placing her above you. If I thought for a moment that my bf was resentful of my relationship with my son in any way, our relationship would be over. And vice versa, I’m sure.

I actually have to agree that you have a tone of resentment against his daughter. While I didn’t necessarily agree with your approach earlier in the thread, I could be on board with your wanting to teach her not to ask adults their ages when they first meet, and stuff like that. But I think you are way, way off base about the ring. From what you’re saying about the ring, he is trying to make her feel excited and included about forming a family with you. He sounds like a good father. He is not buying her a ring to put her in competition with you, but that’s how you’re interpreting it.

And I call BS on the “cultural issues”. This is who your fiance is, culture or not. Cultures are not monoliths. And assuming that all people of a certain culture behave the exact same way is offensive. I am white, my bf is not white, but that doesn’t mean we fit all the stereotypes of our races. Your fiance is an individual, and this is who he is and how he treats his daughter, it doesn’t matter the culture he’s from. So you have to accept it, or you will have an unhappy marriage.

I’m not sure what advice you expected when you came here. If you’ve spoken to so many “friends and strangers” about it and received advice that fits your worldview, then I guess there’s no need to post here. I do question your strong, knee-jerk reaction to comments here about your jealousy. You’re not even willing to consider that may be a factor when multiple people have expressed it. That’s telling, to me.

if you are dating someone who has a child then the child will always be more important than you so if she wants a ring she is getting one , so you either accept it or marry someone who doesn’t have children.

I’ll repeat what I said earlier in the thread. This is the way he parents his daughter. He’s not going to change. You can talk to him about certain issues, like the house or telling her not ask your age, and he may accommodate you; but he is not going to drastically change his parenting style. So situations like this will come up again and again. What if his daughter wants to be in your wedding, and he says yes? You should think hard about whether a marriage with this man will make you happy.

You are really a piece of work. Please step back and re-read the way you write things. I’m not sure if you mean to have the tone that you do or if you are actually this way. You accepting that he had a prior relationship and has a child does not mean that he has to accommodate you at all. You sound like you can’t even be flexible in trying to see the other side. It’s your way or nothing. Your opinion is the engagement ring is out of bounds, others see it differently. Your opinion is his daughter shouldn’t know your age, others see it differently. Your opinion is that she shouldn’t be involved in seeing houses she will be living in for approx the next 10 yrs because your name will be on it, others see it differently. Your opinion is that her father shouldn’t tell his 9 year old his salary, others see it differently. You think she shouldn’t ask if you are staying over, others think differently. How much do you want this guy to bend to your will? That isn’t a marriage or a relationship that will last long term especially with a child involved. And seriously, this child has at least another 10 years with her father. You’ve only been in his life as a significant other for a year. Knowing each other when you were younger doesn’t count. He was with another woman then and making this child.

There are a ton of other things that you should address before the wedding bells go off or you will be finding a thousand things to complain/comment about when it comes to his parenting style with his daughter. Do you live together yet? You may see a whole different dynamic than just his daughter’s natural curiosity when you go out to dinner.

The thing about boundaries is that they are fluid. Every couple decides their own boundaries. No one here is saying he should not have boundaries with his daughter. It’s obvious that your boundaries are much stricter than his.

You honestly come off as petty and punitive for the things you get worked up about. Asking your age, asking if you will stay over, even the ring– he doesn’t have to buy her an “engagement” ring. Why can’t it be a celebratory ring, to celebrate your new family? You paint any attempt of his to accommodate or include his child as a lack of boundaries, when really it’s just his lack of his totally bending to *your* strict standards.

I don’t see an ex-wife and child as baggage. You’re not doing him some huge favor by dating him when he has an ex and a child. I’m sorry he feels that way. You don’t have previous relationships? You say he’s said you’ve handled the situation with “grace” (whatever that means) but your attitude towards his relationship with his child is far from gracious.

There’s a lot of back an forth here, some of which I think the OP can learn from. But honestly, an “engagement ring” for the kid sounds weird and overly placating a child. I would look at that as a red flag before marrying the guy.

Yes, his daughter will always come first, everyone knows that. I used to date a man with a daughter and I never would say anything about how he parented her. (But also, I had a kid as well and knew he came first for me too.)

I think it’s more about the perspective that you both have, regarding different levels of respect towards adults that is causing you issues maybe. Yes you may be a little jealous and want to set up some rules of behavior of the child to make you happy. Maybe you are testing him.

But that engagement ring issue is just plan creepy in my opinion. It reminds me of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka wanting everything — the oompa loompa, the trained squirrel. This guy’s daughter is starting with a ring. What’s next?