No contact for 3 weeks

Hi Shelly,

I think you did the right thing—you need to be direct and to the point with a man, that’s the best way to get through to them :-)

You were at a critical stage where by now a guy KNOWS if its love, lust or a sexual friendship. The fact he didn’t respond, and hasn’t by now is a resounding YES, he was NOT considering a relationship with you and it was best to end it if that’s not what you’re looking for. I do think you missed an opportunity though, whereas you shouldn’t be forced to avoid him just because it didn’t work out—you’re adults and should try to be amicable with each other.

However in the future I would suss this out in the beginning, by the 3rd date if he hasn’t opened up this line of questioning. Do it in the form of a general inquiry such as “when dating, are you looking for something long-term or casual?” and then carefully LISTEN to what he says. If its “I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now” then I would be very cautious and definitely keep sex off the table. If he says “if I meet the right woman I would be open to it”, although it may not be with YOU (still keep sex off the table), at least he’s OPEN to it. I would say by the 2nd month if he’s not giving out CLEAR SIGNALS, then its most likely not with you.

Men actually do fall in love rather quickly, so if they aren’t integrating or talking about future plans with you by the 3rd month, then its more than likely he’s not envisioning a committed relationship with you. Hope this helps! :-)

Carrie, you just made me laugh out loud. I’m a very independent person and whenever I’d tell Bill I was doing some “manly” task (replacing the leaky faucet, taking the lawnmower apart to try to figure out why it wouldn’t start) he’d reply, in all caps just like you did, “THAT’S SO SEXY”. Lol

I’m not sure I’m sexy enough to make the phone call after such a long period of not talking to him but I will definitely attend the next event with our mutual friends and will just greet him in a friendly way, let him know it’s nice to see him and that I hope he’s well… Then move on and enjoy the party. I think that will be the most natural way to handle this.

Lane. Thanks for your candor. I do tend to agree with you that his silence indicates he was not envisioning a serious relationship. It’s just so weird because everything he did seemed to indicate otherwise. I know he wasn’t seeing anyone else, if he wasn’t at work we were together. He didn’t text a lot, only to make plans. Any hing longer than a sentence or two and he’d call me. We were even to the point where others referred to us as a couple and if plans were made they included the two of us. We never really had a “first date” which is why I think we skipped a lot of the normal getting to know each other steps. When we first met it was through friends and we were just friends. He flirted a lot but I had just ended a relationship so it took a few months before I was ready to start seeing anyone. It was over the summer so lots of cookouts and such. We just slowly started being together more and more with friends, then we’d go out on our own or Id stay over after the cookout to help clean up and before you knew it we were a couple. I think he was a little taken back when I asked about his intentions because I really do feel like he thought everything was just fine. I should also mention that he is 47 and has never been married nor had what I would consider a long-term relationship (longest was 3 or 4 years, once). He works a lot, has a lot of longtime friends and is very comfortable and set in his ways. I think he was perfectly happy with having someone he enjoyed hanging out with in his spare time and that’s all he’ll ever really want.

How long do you suggest keeping sex off the table in a new relationship? I was married for a long time in a pretty much sexless marriage and must say I’m loving my newfound sex life!! I can’t separate emotions from sex (so no FWB for me) but… I’ve only got so many good years left. ;)

Carrie, can you explain your conversation?

Great advice from Carrie and Lane. I am going to use that when I plunge back into the dating pool in the new year. Carrie, that timing suits me too. Sex before the 4th date/one month just isn’t for me, I want to know who I’m dealing with before I drop my knickers, LOL. This is the perfect, light way to bring it up. I see so many ladies getting the fade or flat out being ghosted by month 3 or 4 – myself included on this last round – and I really feel it’s down to not sorting out what they were up for. I think some of this could be eliminated by using your method.

Stephanie…every single man that I have been in a relationship with has told me how much he respected and appreciated me saying what I wanted to rather than waiting and having expectations about things unsaid. Also, every single man that turned into a friendship is still a friend. They too, respected what I had to say and hold me in their highest esteems.

When I set out to have this conversation, it is not a long one. 2-5 mins max and I move on. Most men are direct and simple and when they get that in regards to this tricky conversation, they really appreciate it.

Hi Sherri! Yes, by date 4 we have kissed…In fact I would prefer that on the 1st or latest, the 2nd date so I can confirm chemistry. How do I go back to platonic if he wants friendship? Easy…I give a couple weeks time and if he wants to continue a friendship and I do as well then we go down that route. To be honest, I don’t put all my eggs in one basket and do not become overly emotionally invested in a man until we are on the same page in terms of wanting a relationship. For me, kissing is to determine attraction and chemistry and sex is to determine meaning and substance. I don’t get emotionally invested in attraction only so moving it to a platonic friendship is not difficult.

When I go into it with this mindset, it becomes rather easy to separate things so they don’t get messy. Hope that helps!

Oh, ok. If the man says he doesn’t want what I want but continues to pursue me in a romantic way, I tell him to contact me only when he can handle a purely platonic friendship. I say it that directly. If they can’t respect that, I discontinue all contact.