No contact is killing me. Doesn't it hurt him?

What good would it do to you if you knew he was hurting? Would that bring you two back together? I don’t think so. It would maybe be an ego boost for you to know that you are not the only one hurt in this relationship. But it wouldn’t change the facts. And those are that he broke up with you. Remember that guys don’t go through a break up as we do. Yes, he might be hurting, but for now he won’t admit it. Especially not to you. Yes, he might still love you, he might be hurt and cry when alone at home. He might think about you everyday. But the fact remains that he broke up with you. From whatever reasons, he couldn’t find the power to work through the tough times and stick with the relationship. And you cannot change that, only he can, by working on himself.
He might even come back after a while. He might realize what he lost and want to try again. But that doesn’t mean you should wait for him. Move on, take care of yourself, do things that make you happy. It is a tough time and I feel for you. I’ve been in your shoes and I know it is hard. But try, take it day by day and you’ll see it gets easier. Cry as much as you want, but then pick yourself up and go pamper yourself. Go shopping, get a manicure, take a vacation if you can, even if it is just for a weekend. Find new people to hang out with, make new friends.
As for the friends you lost, were they really your friends? If they bailed out on you in these hard times and chose to meet only with him? They could hang out with you when he is not around and vice versa. If they are just plainly avoiding you, they are merely acquaintances, not real friends. At least that’s how I see it

Thank you that helps a lot – do you mean though that they don’t want to hurt me because they know he doesn’t care or is pursuing someone else? The one person that might know said that she didn’t think he was doing anything untoward. The rest are just busy with their lives and I must be a pain in the arse debbie downer.

I guess I will give it some time and try to make new friends and maybe we can get together when I’m a little happier. They probably think if we got together I would talk about him or ask about him, even little things like how he’s doing in his work or his hobbies. And I probably would.

My mind is playing tricks on me, that is true. I want to stop all the noise and really just be quiet and understand reality and move forward that way. I want to stop my brain.

Also I feel that these friends and coworkers, despite being fond of me, would not discourage and possibly encourage him and this new girl getting together, because they like her too. And they keep arranging outings for them, him, and her, and that can only tempt him. So it’s like I’ve lost my boyfriend my best friend and my friends – meanwhile he confidently has someone cute right there in his face that he crushes on every day to help him forget me, and my friends are orchestrating further get together where they can all hang out and I can’t come – do you see how excluded and trapped and torturous this is?

Also all of this – the place of employment, my friends, and now this new girl are all within a block of me. To add to the torture she moved around the corner from me and is renting from his landlord couple who are also very good friends with our mutual couple friends – so where the six of us used to hang out now it will be the six of them, ever so innocently throwing these two together all the time.

He is going to sleep with her and get over me I know it. And I’m just here a block away watching it happen, unable to stop it or even be w my friends for support through it.

Maybe this is my mind playing tricks on me, but this is why I feel he isn’t sad or hurting, why would he be when he has our friends to have fun with and distract him and a cute coworker he wants to sleep with in his face and hanging out with them.

Gosh this really hurts me. I feel like the universe is torturing me. Like really universe, my replacement at work (almost totally a male workplace) is a cute female he is attracted to, and she not only moves right near me but gets his landlord connection? And our friends love her. Everyone loves her because she’s cute and sweet and cheerful and energetic. Meanwhile I’m increasingly sad and draining and depressing and clingy to all these people.

Just seems like a series of twisted fates that are trying to tear me apart. If I hadn’t lost my house, I wouldn’t have spiraled into depression and stress. He and I would still have our beautiful hangout instead of the crowded depressing place I live now. If he had gotten a new job earlier his crush wouldn’t have developed and I wouldn’t have been so insecure. And we could just have had time to enjoy the honeymoon stage and build romance and attraction. Instead it was immediately plunged into major life changes and anxiety for both of us. And a series of fates that seem designed to make him fall out of feeling with me by this infatuation.

Such a bummer. Sad timing.

After all these years waiting and hoping and building intimacy and real friendship…

It’s so humiliating that we all used to go to parties and I was the one there holding his hand and now she might be. Or that they’ll all be there having fun until my name comes up and then they all feel bad for me and change the topic and go back to having so much fun.

I guess I need to find my own new world. Maybe move away. Although I don’t want to leave my family.

I’m humiliated by him giving up on me, dumping me so soon, all our coworkers had just found out we were together and congratulated us.

But yes putting aside my mind, I do know he is a good person with a warm heart and at the very least he feels sorry for me but maybe misses me on occasion too. Doubt he hurts like me though. I guess I wouldn’t want him to.

I just miss him and being his girl and our moments together. I like being around him.

I am sorry to your loss.

I believe you need continuous therapy.

The way you described is as if you have been mentally victimized.

It is actually Scary to read your post. That may be the reason your co-workers are not around.

Be m mindful – – – – very negative energy no one wants to be around

I know how you feel. And yes, of course, knowing that he misses you would have helped you. I ran into my ex recently and I saw in his eyes that he is not over me completely and this did help me. It was like a shot of morpheme to someone in pain. he did date others too. Your guys might be infatuated by someone but a breakup created a wound and this wound needs to heal before we can truly enjoy a new relationship, so this new girl is sort of a rebound.

And of course he misses you too, he is human. It is probably easier on him but still hard. But if you are NOT there, vanished completely erased as you said, it is also harder on him this way not only on you. But what will be easier on him and harder on you if you correspond or meet occasionally, this will give him a chance to gradually ween himself off you whereas you will be going through the breakup pain each time ANEW. So as hard as the no contact is, it is better for you.

If you truly love him, this will not go away in a few months, and maybe he and this girl will break up by then. I am not saying it will be the case, but I am saying it is a possibility. In any case, if he is hurting (and he will be hurting if you are vanished) then it will be harder for him to fall deep for the new girl. The initial attraction will fade away but the friendship, the connection – all this takes time, and this is what he would miss with you.

he has not forgotten you, he is not demented, men take LONGER to get over someone than women do. But they cope better. They multitask better. That’s the only difference, so try to learn from that and stay busy. As busy as you can. Plan your day so that you do not spend more than an hour at home alone after work. Go to the gym twice a day. You need to do that for the first 3 months. For me it is almost 5 months, the pain is gone, but the feelings are still there. But I am very grateful for the pain not to be there anymore, it was HORRIBLE.

So stay strong. No contact is for your benefit right now more than for his.

Why are you putting yourself through this torture? You can see it coming. I can see it coming. Reading all the signs you describe, I too think they will end up together.

You can’t stop it from happening. What you can do is not have to know about it. Find another job ASAP. Move. I guess this is why they tell you not to date at work, because if you break up, you can’t get away from the fact that the other person has moved on (which they have a right to do). You can’t control his feelings or his actions. But you can control yours. Get to it!

Incidentally, this is why I have decided to not date the cute guy across the hall who has been wiggling his eye brows at me. I can hear every time he comes in and out that door, and if a relationship was started and goes bad, guaranteed, it would be torture on one of us. So I have declared him a no-go zone.

The only peace you can take out of this situation is if he does date the other girl from work, he will have a reputation as a serial work dater, which is generally frowned upon as unprofessional behavior. But that is no longer your business. Put blinders on and fix your own situation.

I understand why you would want that validation. You feel erased, and you want reassurance that you really did have value to him and weren’t being played. I’ve been there too, recently. However, let me play devil’s advocate here. How awful would it be if you found out that he wasn’t missing you at all? It would be devastating, and set you back so so far in your healing, and do so much more damage to your self esteem. Don’t give him that power. Watch what you wish for.
The other scenario is, what if he did text you and say how much he misses you? That would be a temptation to you both to fall back into the relationship. And what if you did? Then you’d have to wonder if he only took you back because it didn’t work out with her. (Which is a real possibility.) Then you would wonder if it was going to happen again if he met someone else interesting. (Again, a real possibility.) Do you want to risk more months and years of your life hung up on a guy who may be using you as a “back pocket girl”? It happened to me.

I’d say it’s a better use of your time to erase HIM.

Anyway I will not contact him although it is so hard. And I understand why. But it is so painful, intolerable sometimes, not to talk. It would make it easier on him but also on me to ween off. Feels like it would help me and be more respectful for him to at least send a check in text like hey I’m thinking of you this sucks hope you’re ok.

But wishing won’t make it so.

This really does suck.

Losing our conversation and connection is the most painful part of this, that closeness, for years always knowing him better and being closer to him then all these people, now I’m a ghost.

I know we will talk in time and it’s probably better if he doesn’t see or pick up on all this hurt.

But god it’s so painful not to connect together. What I wouldn’t give just to share a laugh with him for a moment.

Too often we focus/obsess over another to keep from focusing on ourselves…you aren’t putting your best foot forward so to speak…you aren’t your best self right now…that’s why no contact is important…you have to look inward to heal your hurts, your damage…you can’t live vicariously through another…no amount of taking care of another human being or being nice to another fulfills what you have to focus on…let this situation go…if he comes back then he comes back…if he doesn’t then he doesn’t…his actions cannot define you…that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone and there’s no point in doing it…

Look inward…heal you and date yourself…take bubble baths, hit the gym, watch a show from beginning to end…let go of the need to be entertained by another, validated by another…you have an obligation to this world to present your best self and that occurs with self care, self love and spending time with yourself…then you fulfill your best self to the world and that’s amazing…

The focus isn’t on him anymore…Look to yourself for happiness..=)

I’ve been where you are before and I know it sucks but obsessing about the new girl and being “replaced” is only going to make this 10x worse, trust me. This isn’t about him or her or your past relationship anymore. That relationship is dead and over. Use this time wisely, focus on yourself instead of on him and who he’s dating.

I’m sure he misses you on some level, although not like you miss him. He will miss you more as time goes on, especially once he notices the differences between this new girl (or others) and you. He will reach out eventually but I strongly encourage you to not give in until you are truly ready to be friends, if that’s even what you want in the future. And if you do, if will take a LONG time to get to that point because it needs to be when you no longer have feelings for him and have 100% moved on. It took me about three years before I could be platonic friends with my ex. So just get comfortable with the idea that he may never be a significant part of your life again and if he is it won’t be for a long long time.

You need to try as hard as you can to redirect your thoughts. It is hard but not impossible. Do not plot to get him back or fantasize about a future in which the time is right and you both have changed, because it is very unlikely that you will get back together and actually stay together, so thinking about it is a waste of time.

Get some new friends. Mutual friends is nice when you’re dating but never put yourself in a position where the mutual friends are your only friends, because they will choose sides in the break up and if you’re on the losing side then it sucks for you. You should have your own friends separate from your relationship and the good news is, now you have time to work on finding and cultivating those friendships. Lean on family, definitely keep busy with hobbies, especially something new because it’s a great way to meet others.

You will get past this, especially if you’ve survived a break up before. You have a long road ahead of you so try not treat each day like its the end of the world because time will move very slowly with that attitude in mind. It helps to force yourself to be optimistic about your single status, because there really is so much opportunity for change and growth that you otherwise wouldn’t be forced or inspired to make had it not been for this break up. So think of it as a blessing in disguise. There have been men and relationships that ended for me in the past that I was certain I’d NEVER get over and yet here I am living the best time of my life so far, in a relationship with a man I absolutely adore and love, and those past relationships aren’t even on my radar at all anymore. Sometimes I even laugh at how devastated I was back then, thinking my whole world was over, when little did I know I had some great things coming to me in the future.

You will be fine.

Please stop acting like s victim.

No one can make you a victim unless you choose to.

Call you family if you have no friends left please

So I’m overreacting by my friends cutting me out, lying to me, and setting up my ex of (at that point) ONE WEEK with this girl who had always hurt me – and shocked that my best friend of years and only recent ex who promised not to go out with this girl is actually not crying or hurt like me but out getting wasted multiple times in one week with this girl? That’s shitty of all of them – and I disagree I’m acting like the victim. I have given my ex space and I have tried to be positive and caring to my friend even though she’s totally doing this and not being here for me through a rough time. I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself.

I have other friends, but these are the ones here, close to me. I can’t get away from them. I went for a walk just now and ran into this girl who is the one who let it slip how wasted she got with my ex and my supposed friend last night. I can’t even leave the house without running into them. That’s not me playing a victim, that is super shitty all around. I do have other friends and family and I have gotten together with them – but these are the friends I was close to for years and it is just plain lousy. It’s backstabbing and dishonest and inconsiderate and hurts me tremendously. I would never do this to her or to him.

This shit, after only a week or two broken up is really devastating. Our relationship and friendship meant a lot to me. I could never do this to him. His boss is a former crush of mine and I’m working with him on a project – I could easily hurt him or make him jealous or distract myself with little drinks with his boss. But I know that would hurt him so I’m not doing it. I would NEVER do this to him.